Good morning.
Throughout my lifetime in public service
as a representative of
the state of New Hampshire,
I have tried to live up
to a code of moral values.
Therefore, it pains me to
stand before you today
and tell you that later this afternoon
I will be engaging in an
extramarital affair.
My actions at the Washington Plaza Hotel
beginning an hour and a half from now,
depending on traffic
on Massachusetts Avenue,
will be reprehensible
and indefensible.
Of course I will wish
that I had never made
the horrible mistake
I'm about to spend several hours making.
But sadly, I'm currently
too blinded by greed and lust
to care about, or consider
the consequences of my actions.
First and foremost,
I want to humbly apologize
to the citizens
of New Hampshire.
The liaison I will be
taking part in shortly
with two poor, deaf,
teenage runaways,
is indirect opposition to the values
you elected me to uphold.
I also wish to apologize
to my wife Linda.
Linda, I'm about to betray
your trust.
I wish I could spare you
the incredible pain and anguish
I'm about to
inflict on you.
If only I were a stronger man
right now,
I would not be planning
to soon fall prey to temptation
over and over again
until the early hours
of tomorrow morning,
when the hotel kicks me out
due to all the noise
the whips and teenagers
are making.
To my two beautiful children,
Allison and Christopher,
my deepest apologies to you.
It hurts me more
than you will ever know
that this scandal
I'm running late to
will impact your life so terribly.
I can only pray that the revelations
you will soon hear
concerning my fetishes,
physical flexibility, and penis,
will not scar you
to the point of dementia.
Lastly, I apologize to the makers
of Pillsbury Refrigerated Buttermilk Biscuits.
That your fine product
will be associated in the minds
of so many customers,
with what I'm about to use them for,
is highly unfortunate
and unforgivable.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to get to the hotel immediately,
so I will not be taking questions.
Thank you.
STILL AHEAD:
Novelty Chattering Teeth Still Fillibustering
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