Onion News Network

The Onion

Gay marriage is still illegal in most states but could some homosexuals have found a way around the law? With us now is Missouri congressman Gerald Iscoe, co-author of HR-328, a bill that would close the so-called gay marriage loophole. - It's good to be here Theresa, thanks for having me. Hi congressman, you say that a quick, simple, gender re-assignment surgery is all it takes for gays to be married under current law. That's right Theresa. Right now anywhere across this country a homosexual can just waltz in to a hospital, have their genitals removed or augmented, and waltz out after just a few months of physical therapy, and then get married just like a heterosexual. Now, yesterday in Alabama Governor Robert Riley said that he would sign legislation requiring full-body physicals for all couples before they are married to verify that - quote - "Their parts are the real deal." I heard him say that, yes. And you know, the bible says very clearly that marriage is the union between a man and a woman, not a man and a man-woman, or a woman with a penis sewn in-between her legs. - That's right, but since the number of people getting this surgery is still fairly small That's only because the word hasn't spread yet, Theresa. Right now we're on the lookout to make sure lesbians and these gays don't get together and enact some sort of penis-vagina exchange program, there's no limit to what they'll do. So how would your bill actually put a stop to this? Well, first, we have to make the existing law clear. OK. - When the constitution was written they didn't know that there would be a machine some day that can just twist off your Johnson and make you a female just like that. And secondly, we'd suspend the medical licenses of surgeons that recruit gay clients, whether through ads in gay periodicals, or on gay busses. So, we need to draw a clear legal line here. - Absolutely we do, we need to put a mark on the men-women so that we can identify them. Your bill does propose getting this image tattooed on the arms of anyone who receives the surgery. - That's right, homosexuals will do anything to get this wedding certificate, and we've got to stop them. Or before we know it there will be stores where penises and breasts are sold like pencils. People trading vaginas in the classified ads, Rooms full of garish, half-human ghouls wearing skin-like masks. We're gonna have to leave it there, thank you&for being here with us congressman Iscoe. Thanks for having me on today. - Watch Raw Justice tonight for a related story on how gay men are killing straight women, assuming their identities and stealing their husbands. Coming up - an ordinary fat man eats an extraordinary number of hotdogs. Stay tuned.