DISNEY LAB (SHOOTING)
Script: Joe Wengert Idea: Dan Mirk
This Draft: 12-12-07 (CLK)
Alternates: ideas about the older models, meaner lines.
INT. TODAY NOW STUDIO
TRACY
Thanks for spending your morning
with Today Now! Stick around
because later on in the show, we'll
show you how to sublimate your rage
and loneliness into pointless
hobbies.
JIM
Everything from woodworking to
candle making!
TRACY
But first, if you have kids at
home, this next story is for you:
This Friday the newest batch of
Disney Channel stars grown in the
Disney Genetic Engineering Lab will
be unveiled to the public.
FOOTAGE/PHOTOS: Disney Channel stars.
PHOTO: Photoshopped photo of the compound. It is a gigantic,
imposing building with the Disney Logo displayed prominently.
JIM
Most viewers are familiar with some
of the Disney Compound's products
already, but how exactly does
growing a Hillary Duff or Miley
Cyrus from scratch work? Well,
today we're lucky enough to get a
first hand look.
INT. DISNEY LAB
B-ROLL: Scientists dressed in lab coats with the Mickey Mouse
logo on the back work with test tubes.
B-ROLL: Glass jars filled with liquid have babies and fetuses
floating in them. Many tubes run out of the bottles.
B-ROLL: Close on one of the fetus jars. We see it's labeled
"Cody."
JIM
Joining us now live from the Disney
Lab to tell us all about the
process is one of their lead
geneticists, Dr. Andrew Rourke.
Welcome, Dr. Rourke.
SPLIT-SCREEN: DR. ROURKE appears in a box. He is in what
appears to be a laboratory.
JIM (CONT'D)
This really is an incredible
operation. How long has Disney
been growing its stars like this?
DR. ROURKE
Well, we had been actively
developing a humane alternative to
taking new child stars away from
their birth mothers for years, but
we didn't complete the lab until
1988. Since then, we've worked
extremely hard to produce child
stars that are as lifelike as
possible.
TRACY
So the stars we see on tv are grown
right here?
B-ROLL: A girl and a boy each being tested separately on
their innate ability to "mug" different emotions/reactions
perfectly: scientists compare the engineered kids'
performances on things like "surprise" "coyness" "impatience"
etc. against the stills of actual disney kids doing the same
DR. ROURKE
Yes, and their brains are hard
wired with the all the data they'll
ever need -- singing, dance
routines, how to pose for photos.
By the time they reach desired
size, they're fully ready for the
cameras and concert tours.
B-ROLL: The same lab as before. The pre-teen girl smiles and
waves. The pre-teen girl makes a sassy face and puts her hand
on a cocked hip. The scientist looks on as if testing the
results of the therapy.
DR. ROURKE (CONT'D)
It's only a matter of months before
they're ready for the spotlight.
JIM
Amazing. Does it take long to come
up with each star from scratch?
B-ROLL: A reference area -- a bulletin board or just a wall.
Close-up photos of eyes, ears, and other body parts and the
specific genome sequencing codes that produce that
characteristic.
DR. ROURKE
Actually, no. We use the same DNA
structure for all of our stars, and
just tweak small details like hair
color or skin tone.
JIM
We're seeing some footage here of a
few of your creations.
FOOTAGE: Mitchell Musso (Oliver from "Hannah Montana.")
DR. ROURKE
Yes, that's Model 6831-A right
there, publicly known as "Mitchell
Musso." He's just a standard male
base with a brown hair variant and
Type 3 skin pigmentation.
FOOTAGE: Ryne Sanborn (Jason from "High School Musical.")
DR. ROURKE (CONT'D)
And here's 6831-B, or "Ryne
Sanborn." Exactly the same base
model, but we gave him slightly
thicker eyebrows and Type 5 skin.
JIM
Sorta like putting together a
puzzle.
DR. ROURKE
Absolutely. And since they all
share the same basic programs and
emotions, we can replace them
without anyone noticing. In fact,
the current Raven Symone is
actually the third version of her.
The first was electrocuted during a
rehearsal and the second
accidentally drowned.
JIM
We've got some images here of your
newest models. I'm sure we'll soon
be seeing a lot of these kids.
GRAPHICS: Photos of a diverse group of future "Disney stars."
We see a athletic-looking young African American boy doing a
split in mid-air named T.J. We see smiling, identical twin
blue-eyed, blonde younger boys. Their names are Bryan & Benn.
We see a wholesome looking young Asian girl singing into a
microphone with the name Haley super-imposed over the image.
We see another shot of Haley snow-boarding.
TRACY
It really looks like you've got
someone for every kid in America to
love here!
DR. ROURKE
That's the idea, Tracy. Our writers
have found it very liberating. They
created the character of Haley as a
singing, snowboarding, half
Japanese, half Indian girl. Finding
her in reality would have been
impossible.
JIM
How have your scientists been able
to get around the classic child
star problem of having them get too
old?
DR. ROURKE
We engineer them so they
automatically die on their 20th
birthday.
TRACY
Oh that's a shame!
DR. ROURKE
Don't feel too sad. They don't
have souls.
FOOTAGE: We see footage of Zac Efron in High School Musical.
JIM
Now this one's Zac Efron. I've seen
him before.
DR. ROURKE
Yes, he was one of our first
models.
TRACY
You and your scientists did great
job with him. My daughters simply
love him. And he looks so real.
DR. ROURKE
Actually, I feel we could have done
better... he could show more human
tendencies. If you look closely,
you'll notice there is a real
deadness in his eyes.
FOOTAGE: We see another clip of Zac Efron performing in High
School Musical.
DR. ROURKE (CONT'D)
Sometimes it's hard watching this
because I can see all of my
mistakes!
TRACY
He seems flawless to me!
DR. ROURKE
He's holding up better than
expected, but he doesn't have long.
The first batch was engineered
without a specific enzyme that
regulates the flow of nutrients to
cells, so Zac's skin will show
signs of dissolving soon.
TRACY
Oh no, poor Zac Efron!
JIM
So your newer models are even
better?
DR. ROURKE
Oh yes. They've been upgraded to
have five different types of facial
expressions, including two entirely
new types of smiles. They will
also be able to speak words of up
to three syllables.
TRACY
That should really open up a lot of
new possibilities for your
songwriting teams.
DR. ROURKE
That's the idea.
JIM
Sounds great. Dr. Rourke, thanks
so much for your time. I can't wait
to see some of their new creations
in action. When we come back, we'll
give you seven secrets for
childproofing your marriage.
ALTERNATE:
TRACY (CONT'D)
When we come back, urban chickens.
The fashionable trend that gives
you eggs.
END.
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