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The Onion

DNA evidence has freed a Panola, Georgia man today, after 12 years in Federal Prison. James Marshall was sentenced to life without parole in 1996 for the mauling death of a state park hiker, Janet Kelly. I took one look at him and I knew he was the man that mauled and ate my daughter. Now that he's locked up, I pray to God that people can camp in that bear preserve without fearing for their safety. Throughout his time in prison Mr. Marshall maintained his innocence claiming his jaws were not powerful enough to have inflicted the six inch deep bites covering Ms. Kelly's body, and that he did not eat Ms. Kelly's entire left leg and lower torso, as charged. Panola police expressed shock at the news, as the evidence against Mr. Marshall had been overwhelmingly strong. Marshall worked as a guide at the Panola State Park Visitor's Center, And was definitively placed within a mile of the crime scene the day after the murder. Even though employees had been warned against entering the park due to a rash of bear attacks at the time. The jury took just 2 to reach a verdict which most attributed to the perverse nature of the murder's details, which included a half eaten fish found at the crime scene, leading Mr. Marshall to be known as "The Salmon Killer". The killer also scattered huge piles of feces around the campsite. They say after he killed Janet, he spent five minutes rubbing his hairy back up against a tree to scratch it. This man is sick. The mauling was so vicious that Janet's funeral was closed casket. Buried with her was the last photograph she took before she died. A self portrait of her and two bear cubs. However, the DNA evidence has not exonerated Mr. Marshall of a larceny charge for tearing off the trunk of Ms. Kelly's car in order to get to the food inside. Mr. Marshall faces a $5, for that crime. The Panola Police Department today apologized for the inconvenience they caused him, and say they plan to reopen the case and "find the black man who did this". Moving on, the Bob Dole foundation is awarding scholarships to students who show potential to know who Bob Dole is. Still Ahead This Hour: BREAST MILK RECALL AFFECTS ALL OF 4 YAKIMA, WA