Onion News Network

The Onion

East Timor has a troubled history, but tonight, it is a place of inspiration and progress for women. Amivi Gama seized control of the nation's capital today, becoming East Timor's first ever female dictator. Reporter Mark Ward has the story. It's been a long, hard journey for Amivi Gama but it was worth it. After a bloody, six day long coup, a triumphant Gama declared herself president for life, commander in chief of the armed forces, and high court chief justice today, proving that a woman can rule with an iron fist, just as well as any man. For years we were terrified and oppressed by men. It will be wonderful to now be terrified and oppressed by one of our own. Doctor Sandra Sujana, the author of the book, "Amivi Gama: A Woman to Fear" says Gama's success is a sign of the country's progress. Twenty, or even ten years ago, nobody could have even considered a woman would behead her political rivals in the town square. It's a truly great day for women. Dr. Sujana says that in addition to a ruthless pursuit for ultimate power, Gama has a feminine side, even while leading a campaign of terror through the countryside rooting out intellectuals, and killing religious leaders, Gama made time to be a mother to her children. It's this down to earth relate-ability that has made her an icon to many East Timor women. She didn't just order her militia to destroy our crops, she got right in there with a torch. She looked good doing it. Many expect that, as a woman, Gama will bring a more level headed and sensitive approach to the massive slaughtering. Even members of the older generation, like former cabinet member Uriko Alkitiri, have learned to look past Gama's gender, and respect her as a political force. Some people have doubts, but now they're all dead. When she plunged a knife into my crying son's throat, as I lay helplessly by, I realized that she could do anything. She's a real dynamo. The size of Gama's army is all we need as proof to know it's a woman's world now in East Timor. We congratulate you President Gama. From Delhi, I'm Mark Ward, for the Onion News Network. Thank you, Mark. That's one feisty lady. When we come back, Gatorade scientists have discovered four new kinds of thirst. STILL AHEAD THIS HOUR: Supreme Court Overturns Judicial Review