ANTI-BUSH ECONOMY (SHOOTING)
Script: West. Idea: Blechman
This Draft: 4/7/08 (CLK)
INT. NEWSROOM
ANCHOR
Some economists warn we could be
facing a financial crisis even
bigger than the mortgage fallout:
The collapse of the anti-Bush
merchandise based economy.
According to Commerce Department
figures, almost a third of the U.S.
GDP last year came from the sale of
items like "Buck Fush" t-shirts and
Bushism-Of-The-Day Calendars.
B-ROLL or FOOTAGE: A T-Shirt stand where Anti-Bush shirts,
bumper stickers, mugs, and dolls are being sold; Close ups on
some of these products.
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
Joining us now from the Onion News
Network's Money Room is our
Economics Expert Joshua Russell.
Joshua, what's the situation here?
GRAPHIC: "The Anti-Bush Economy:" A pie graph split up into
several sections, largest to smallest in size as follows: T
Shirts, Hats, Bumper Stickers, Mugs, Bobble-Head Dolls,
Various Ceramics, Dog Clothing, Magnets, Calendars, Cast-Iron
Cookware, Shovels and Hardware.
RUSSELL
Well, ANCHOR, for the past eight
years anti-Bush merchandise has
been the most stable sector of our
economy. Even in the slumping
manufacturing and publishing
industries, sales of "Impeach Bush"
coffee mugs and Bush's First
Coloring Books have been doubling
every year.
ANCHOR
According to the Economist
Magazine, anti-Bush novelties were
a one hundred seventy five billion
dollar industry last year.
Graphic: A chart that shows the place of the industry third
on a list of the real top industries.
RUSSELL
That's right, a lot of people have
made a lot of money, but some
analysts are predicting that the
moment Bush leaves office, demand
for "Somewhere In Texas, A Village
Is Missing Its Idiot" products is
going to evaporate and the American
economy is going to take a major
hit.
GRAPHICS: Line graph shows current high demand for anti-Bush
novelties suddenly plunging to almost zero after 1/20/09
(date Bush leaves office).
FOOTAGE: Crowd of stock brokers yelling in the pits.
GRAPHICS: Along the bottom of that Footage is a business
ticker scrolling: "Only Bush I Trust Is My Own" Shirt +0.92 ,
"Jail To The Chief" Sticker +0.12 , Bush Dress Up Magnet Kit
+0.28 , "Draft Jenna" Sticker +0.08 , "W - Wrong" Hat +0.78
RUSSELL (CONT'D)
Let's look at what [TK expert] said
earlier this week.
FOOTAGE: An economist says "It's going to be very bad. A
depression is coming, etc."
RUSSELL (CONT'D)
And that's from someone who tends
to be cautious in his estimates.
ANCHOR
Just how bad could it be?
RUSSELL
Worse than the dot com crash. Just
think about it. Last quarter, major
anti-Bush industry player Cafe
Press derived 54 percent of its
revenue from anti-Bush T-shirts and
baby bibs.
Graphic: Cafe Press site.
RUSSELL (CONT'D)
Companies like these, and there are
thousands of them, will go under.
There are whole towns that have
been built up around Bush-With
Hitler-Moustache key chain
factories and those communities
will be devastated.
FOOTAGE: Huge, anonymous factories. Factory workers.
ANCHOR
So unemployment will rise.
RUSSELL
All across the board... everyone
from the design firms who create
the Smoosh Bush stress balls to the
legions of truckers who haul them
across the country, to the
Spencer's Gift cashiers who sell
them. Unemployment rates could jump
as much as 11 or 12 percent.
B-ROLL: More dumb anti-Bush merchandise.
ANCHOR
12 percent? That's massive.
GRAPHICS: A line chart showing the rising growth of anti-bush
Merch in China, India, and Mexico (all seperate lines) since
2000.
RUSSELL
Yes, and it won't stop at our
shores. Anti-Bush plastics and
textiles were responsible for much
of the recent growth in China,
India, and Mexico's manufacturing
sector. Taiwan's economy, for
example, has become totally
dependent on America's consumption
of "54 reasons to Impeach Bush"
playing cards.
ANCHOR
If what you're saying is true, that
there's a crisis looming, why are
banks continuing to finance loans
to these Anti-Bush Startups?
Just last week, [a major hedge
fund,] the Blackstone group paid 6
million dollars for a company that
makes "Stick it to Bush" pin
cushions. Why would they do that?
RUSSELL
(interrupting)
Because for years anti-bush pin
cushion companies have experienced
nothing but growth -- so they
assume this new pin cushion will be
as big a cash cow as the Bush
making-stupid-face-next-to-monkey
making-similar-face mousepad. But
people need to wake up to the fact
that the market is overinflated.
Look, I get it -- I put a lot of my
own money into Bush-Dressed-In-Old
Fashioned-Jailbird-Outfit bobble
head dolls. But the end is near and
now it's time to get out.
ANCHOR
But can't the anti-Bush market
evolve? In a Wall Street Journal
interview yesterday James "Jay
Dog" Burkhart, CEO of Presi
Dunce.com, said that the anti-Bush
industry would, quote, "Adapt as
necessary."
GRAPHICS: Cover of the Wall Street Journal showing large
photo of shlubby, bearded late-20s dude behind an oak desk in
a fancy office. He wears a "Impeach The Shrub" shirt showing
a picture of a shrub with a null sign over it.
RUSSELL
But if you look at the details of
the plan he's proposing, it's
simply to transition into novelties
that deride the next president.
GRAPHICS: "McCain: Insane In The Brain!" t-shirt shows a
picture of McCain with swirly cartoon "crazy" eyes and a
nuclear explosion (and other McCain novelties.) "Welfare
Mamas Love Barak Obama" bumper sticker (and other Obama
novelties.) [Perhaps these products are on J-Dog's website.]
RUSSELL (CONT'D)
There's no indication that the
demand will be anywhere near as
great.
But even if an industry does emerge
around the next president, it will
take months or even years to build
up the 365 stupid gaffes required
to fill out a quote-a-day calendar.
ANCHOR
If things really are this bad, what
can possibly be done?
RUSSELL
There have been rumors that the Fed
might intervene to ask Congress to
change term limit laws. That way,
Bush could stay in office longer
and save the T-shirt and bumper
sticker industries from near
certain collapse.
ANCHOR
In essence, a government bailout.
RUSSELL
Right. It might be the only way to
prevent the country from plunging
into another Great Depression.
ANCHOR
All right, Mr. Russell, thanks for
your expertise. Watch Mr. Russell
on Fact Zone tonight, when he'll be
speaking with members of the talk
radio industry about their post
election contingency plans.
END.
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