MILEY CYRUS
NEWS SHOW
Script/Idea: Dan Mirk
This Draft: 2-23 (DM)
INT. NEWSROOM
ANCHOR
This week the New York times will
run the first in a six-part series
examining America's over-use of
"Hannah Montana" star Miley Cyrus.
GRAPHICS: Photoshopped NY Times front page with photo and
article about Miley Cyrus. Headline: Our Impending Miley
Cyrus Crisis.
GRAPHICS: A Time magazine cover with Miley Cyrus and the
headline "Is it already too late?"
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
Most experts now agree that at
current usage levels, Miley Cyrus
will be drained dry of
entertainment value by 2013. But
some say the situation is even more
dire. Joining us now is Miley
researcher Dr. Justin Canty, from
the Institute For Sustainable Cyrus
Use.
SPLIT SCREEN: With Canty.
CANTY
Thank you for having me.
ANCHOR
You say this is the worst
entertainment crisis humanity has
ever faced.
B-ROLL: Tons and tons of Hannah Montana-themed toys,
magazines, backpacks, CDs, lunch boxes, etc.
FOOTAGE: Clips from "Hannah Montana."
FOOTAGE: Clips of Miley Cyrus being interviewed, walking on a
red carpet, etc.
B-ROLL/FOOTAGE: More and more Cyrus stuff: The poster for
her movie, lines for tickets to her concerts, magazines, etc.
CANTY
Absolutely. Miley is a potent
entertainment resource, but we are
over-using her at unprecedented
levels: She's on television, has
hit albums, toys, a clothing line,
movies, a sold-out concert series.
We're a Cyrus-based eonomy.
ANCHOR
You estimate eighty percent of the
tween and teenage-targeted media
industry today runs on Miley Cyrus.
CANTY
And that's a low estimate. If we
don't take major steps toward
conservation, then far sooner than
we think she's going to be
completely drained - a broken
worthless shell.
ANCHOR
You point to the examples of
Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, the
Olsen Twins...
GRAPHICS: Photos of these stars show them going from young
and healthy to thin and haggard.
CANTY
Yes: These were bountiful
entertainment sources that our over
consumption reduced to smouldering
remnants. But we are burning
through Miley at a far more
accelerated rate.
GRAPHICS: A chart shows an exponential increase in U.S. Use
of Miley Cyrus
ANCHOR
Tell us about that.
CANTY
A typical teen-star can have
profits drilled out of her for
approximately six years before
sinking to "Is She Too Wild"
levels.
GRAPHICS: A chart shows the "Teen Star Usage - Female"
moving downward through (like we're drilling deeper_ through)
phases: Up-And-Comer; Wholesome Role Model; Teen Sensation;
Hot Starlet; Is She Too Wild?; Party Girl; Late Night Punch
Line; Public Meltdown/Rehab; Barbara Walters Interview;
Obscurity; Death
CANTY (CONT'D)
But Miley was only discovered three
years ago and J-14 Magazine has
already printed pregnancy rumors
about her. She's been in a leaked
photo scandal. That's sixty-seven
percent faster than the average
rate of depletion. If that rate
continues, we've halfway through
Miley already.
GRAPHICS: The J-14 Magazine article that said Miley was
pregnant.
GRAPHICS: Bikini photos from Miley Cyrus' hacked cell phone.
ANCHOR
Not everyone agrees with that --
Disney says it has plans to pump
songs and shows out of Miley for at
least another three to five years
before discarding what's left of
her.
FOOTAGE: M.O.S. Of a Disney executive talking in front of a
Miley Cyrus poster or sign.
CANTY
She won't last that long. Our
projections show that at this rate
Miley's current entertainment value
will last, at best, eight to ten
more months. Within fourteen
months it'll be down to levels
usable only for TMZ posts or People
Magazine articles on her latest
rehab stint. Within two years
she'll be little more than a
withered, desiccated husk.
GRAPHICS: A photo of Miley is aged, a la Age Progression,
into a frightening corpse. A time-line shows it takes only a
few months.
ANCHOR
Making her useless.
CANTY
Except for possibly a few
"Remembering Miley" TV specials,
yes.
ANCHOR
So what does America need to do in
terms of conservation?
CANTY
We need to increase funding for
research into Miley Cyrus
alternatives, lessening the rate at
which we consume Miley herself. My
institute is lobbying disney to
begin work on an animated Miley or
giving her Hannah Montana character
sidekicks that could have their own
spin-off shows.
GRAPHICS: A blueprint of an animated Miley (looks
experimental).
GRAPHICS: A promo poster for a Hannah Montana spinoff touting
the fact that it's 80% Miley-Free.
ANCHOR
What are the consequences if we
don't cut back on our Miley use?
CANTY
They would be catastrophic: as
Miley entertainment becomes scarce,
the millions of families who have
grown dependent on it will begin to
horde it and fight over it.
Society as we know it will break
down, governments will collapse,
and humanity will be reduced to
roving tribes of barbarians forever
hunting for the last remaining
Hannah Montana Fashion Dolls and
"Best of Both Worlds" concert CDs.
That future is depicted on the
cover of my new book.
GRAPHICS: book cover depicts a "Road Warrior" style future
where a futuristic barbarian holds a Hannah Montana CD.
ANCHOR
A chilling prospect. Dr. Canty,
thank you for being with us.
And in Washington, a Secret Service
sniper thinks a protestor has
pretty eyes.
GRAPHICS: Sniper cross-hairs on girl with pretty eyes.
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
Agent Michael Owens first noticed
the dazzling eyes during a routine
sweep...
END.
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