Onion News Network

The Onion

Every parent's worse nightmare is of course their child falls victim to a sexual predator. But it's hard to know how to keep their kids safe. Yeah it is but today we're gonna get some insider tips from a child safety expert and ex-pedophile, Terry Parker, welcome to the show. Hi Jim, Tracy, thanks for having me. - Hi Terry. Thank you for being here. - Now Terry actually kidnapped and sexually molested children for over 2 And he was eventually convicted of 13 counts of sexual assault against minors. Yes well that's all behind me now, I don't do that sort of thing anymore. Now Terry you say first off that a lot of the conventional wisdom we all know about how to protect our children from predators is actually wrong. - Yes, for instance a lot of people tell their kids don't talk to strangers. - Uh-huh. - I tell my kids that all the time. Right when a pedophile is looking for a little boy or girl to take, he's not interested in having a conversation with him. He simply wants their small body pressed against his. So he's gonna abduct them whether they talk to them or not. Yeah. You don't have to lure them into a car, you simply take the child where you want them, their bodies are so light. - But you do recommend the parents try to make their children less attractive to pedophiles, right? Right. Clothing is a huge factor. If you put a girl in a sundress and French braids in front of the average pedophile, he's gonna get an erection that will rip his bike shorts. Well that's good to know. - Yes it is, so what should parents do? Dress them in dirty clothing, mess up their hair, still this'll only deter about 9 percent of all pedophiles, you know personally, I prefer a kid that looks a little rough and tumble. Before we go I have to discuss the situtation that no one wants to face. Your child is abducted, there's no randsom note, so you know the motive isn't money, it's sex, and how can a parent hope to get their child back? First of all, he or she won't be a child anymore. - No? Any childhood innocence will have been stripped away the moment the pedophile's sweaty arm, goes down your kid's pants. - Uh-huh. Your child's best bet is to grab a sharp object to stab at the man with. Oh really. - Like a pencil, which is actually how I got this. - Ooo. I bet you didn't get very far with that kid. Not that one, no. - Well thank you Terry, so much for being with us this morning and opening our eyes to the situation and if we can just protect one child out there from people like you, we will have done our job. - Glad to help. Thanks Terry. Ok, coming up next, out of the frying pan and into the dryer, a new way to make perogies. - Yum, yum.