MORNING SHOW - ANTEATER (SHOOTING)
Idea - Haggerty, Script - Gethard
This Draft: 7-25 (CLK)
INT. TODAY NOW SET - LAMP WALL
MALE HOST stands.
Prod. Note: Male Anchor tosses from Demo Area to FEMALE
ANCHOR on Main Set.
STOCK FOOTAGE: Anteater Footage
MALE HOST
Anteaters. You've all heard of the
long-snouted animals, but we're
about to find out a whole lot more.
Dr. Franklin Kearns is the world's
foremost expert on anteaters and
he's our guest on Today Now's
"Critter Corner". FEMALE HOST?
CUT TO:
INT. MORNING SHOW SET - INTERVIEW AREA
FEMALE HOST sits on a couch across from author, KEARNS. She
holds index cards with notes on them which she refers to
occasionally. She also has a copy of Dr. Kearns' book.
KEARNS is well dressed professorial type in his early '50s.
(Note: Dr. Kearns is extremely emotionless and matter-of-fact
in his delivery. Though he is a depressed and cynical, he
should not come across as a sullen/wiseass type, but just,
rather, as an objective scientist.)
GRAPHIC: Cover of Kearns' book. It looks academic and
serious, not at all interesting.
FEMALE HOST
Thanks MALE HOST. I'm here with
Dr. Kearns, who's just published a
fascinating new book entitled
"Anteaters: A Complete Anatomy,
Behavior, and History." Dr. Kearns,
thank you for being here.
ALTERNATE:
FEMALE HOST (CONT'D)
Thank you, MALE HOST. I'm here with
Dr. Jerome Kearns, who's just
published a new book entitled "A
Complete Anatomy, Behavior and
History of Myrmecophaga Tridactyla"
which apparently is another word
for anteaters. Dr. Kearns, thank
you for being here.
KEARNS
Thank you, FEMALE HOST. Always a
pleasure to have even minimal
contact with another human being.
FEMALE HOST
You spent fifteen years living
among anteaters in the forests of
Argentina to research this book.
Tell us what you learned about
these cute little guys.
KEARNS
What did I learn? I learned
EVERYTHING, FEMALE HOST. Everything
there is to know about anteaters.
FEMALE HOST
I'm sure you brought one with you
today.
KEARNS
No.
FEMALE HOST
I thought you were bringing one.
KEARNS
I can't think of any reason why I
would even want to see one ever
again.
FEMALE HOST
Well, okay. We'll just talk about
them. So you lived right in an
anteater herd? That must have been
fascinating.
KEARNS
I wouldn't call it a "herd."
They're not social creatures. They
just shuffle around by themselves.
Eating. Sleeping. Sniffing the
dirt.
So no, it wasn't exactly
fascinating. Certainly not after
the first half-decade.
FEMALE HOST
I see. But still, it must have been
fun getting to study such a strange
animal.
KEARNS
Fun? I don't even know what "fun"
means, FEMALE HOST. I've been
living with anteaters my entire
adult life. The whole concept of
"fun" is utterly alien to me.
FEMALE HOST
Well, your book is very
interesting.
KEARNS holds up the book with disinterested objectivity.
KEARNS
This? Really. You found this
interesting. That's surprising to
me. There aren't that many people
who want to know every last
intricate detail about how a
distant cousin of the tree sloth
opens a termite's nest with its
muzzle. Why did you find it
interesting?
FEMALE HOST
Well, I just skimmed it before the
program --
KEARNS
Don't worry -- It's mostly just a
lot of really technical information
about anteaters. Nothing anyone
would actually care to sit down and
read.
FEMALE HOST
Oh, I'm sure that's not true.
KEARNS
Would you be interested in reading
92 pages on the chemical
composition of anteater saliva and
how it maintains its viscous,
sticky consistency?
Page after page on the musculature
of their tongues, which can be as
long as 60 centimeters, with a
ridiculous width of only half an
inch? Would you want to read a
whole chapter on the brown stripe
that crosses the shoulders of the
less anteater, known as Tamandua in
the Venezeuluan grasslands?
FEMALE HOST
Tamandua? And what does that mean
in Venezualan?
KEARNS
"Catcher of ants."
FEMALE HOST
Do you have any favorite anteater
facts that you'd like to talk
about?
KEARNS
Favorite? Not really, FEMALE HOST.
Think about it: I have already
forgotten more about anteaters than
any other person on earth will ever
know. By definition, any
conversation I have about this
subject is just going to be a
tiresome rehash of thoughts I've
already had a million times. Maybe
a billion.
FEMALE HOST
(looking at her notes)
One of the things I found most
fascinating reading your book was
that anteaters largely eat
termites, not ants.
KEARNS
The thing is, though, I'm
completely incapable of having a
conversation about anything else.
It basically rules out the
possibility of me ever having an
interesting conversation, ever
again.
Beat.
FEMALE HOST
Well, we've just got a couple of
minutes left here. Let's take a
look at some of these elusive
animals.
STOCK FOOTAGE: Anteater footage.
FEMALE HOST (CONT'D)
Now there's definitely something
cute about this little guy -
KEARNS
Here's a question: what do normal
humans do when they're not studying
anteaters? That's a mystery I'd
love to learn the answer to.
FEMALE HOST
Ok. Would you say that -
KEARNS
Fifteen years. Fifteen years in
the jungle with these animals.
Turn it off. Just turn it off.
When I was nine years into the
project I told myself, "Give it up.
Leave this jungle." But instead I
convinced myself to stay. I said
"Just finish it. If nothing else,
at least publishing the number one
resource book on anteaters will
feel like some kind of
accomplishment. It'll make it worth
it."
FEMALE HOST
Well, I'm glad that you at least
got that -
KEARNS
But the day it got published, it
was completely anticlimactic. It
felt like a physical manifestation
of fifteen years of boredom came
into being. My God -- I don't know
my own family.
FEMALE HOST
I --
KEARNS
You know what? I never even wanted
to study anteaters in the first
place. But you know how it is, you
get more and more specialized as
you advance toward a PhD topic, and
the next thing you know your field
of study is so specific and
narrow...
FEMALE HOST
I'm s -
KEARNS
(cheerfully)
Oh, don't apologize. I'm the one
that wasted my life on this, not
you.
STOCK FOOTAGE of anteaters continues as both sit in silence.
KEARNS (CONT'D)
(sighs)
FEMALE HOST
MALE HOST?
CUT TO:
INT. SET - MORNING
MALE ANCHOR
Thanks. Uh, coming up after the
break on "Today Now," we'll show
you how to turn your fat child into
a bully.
End.
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