via @TheOnion - Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus
We're proud to unveil
Ford's new vision for
the future of automobiles
in this country.
An innovative concept that
fits the needs of all Americans.
I present to you
the car for the modern age,
the 1993 Ford Taurus.
With a 3.1-liter V6 engine,
a functioning exhaust system,
and a working battery,
the 1993 Ford Taurus
is a car for everyone
who can come up
with $65
The '93 Taurus was designed by talking
directly to American themselves.
They told us, "We don't need
all the bells and whistles,
we want a car that can take us
from our mother-in-law's house
to the unemployment office
and back."
But you don't have
to take my word for it.
Let's hear from
some of the drivers
who have already pre-ordered
their '93 Taurus.
Basically,
I just need a car
and the '93 Taurus is one.
I like that it has heat
and air conditioning,
so my family can
live in it year-round.
Buyers can also
customize their Taurus
to fit their life-style,
with optional upgrades
like working break lights,
or a rear-view mirror,
seatbelts,
and doors that lock.
Each '93 Taurus also comes standard
with a Primus cassette tape
of their hit album,
Sailing the Seas of Cheese,
and plenty of space
in the glove compartment
for cans of tuna,
and cup-of-noodle to eat.
Here's a sneak preview
of the ad that will be running
during this season's Super Bowl.
1993 Ford Taurus 4-Door
5 Speed Stick Shift
High Miles but Still Works!
!!! $65
Call Greg at Ford
1-8
We encourage everyone to come down
to their local Ford dealership today
to check out the '93 Ford Taurus.
Remember, the dealerships
are heated in the winter,
have clean bathrooms,
and there is a bowl
of free candy at the front.
Thank you.
Still Ahead:
Embarrassed Rep. Peter Hoekstra (R-MI)
calls Speaker Pelosi 'Mom'.
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