via @TheOnion - How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son
If you're the parent of an
overly feminine little boy,
choosing the right Halloween
costume is crucial
for avoiding humiliation during your
family's trick-or-treat outings.
Luckily, our next guest is
here to help us tackle
this difficult problem,
head on. Jim.
Thanks Trace.
This is Anna Stephenson, author
of "Actually, He's a Boy,"
a how-to manual for parenting
an effeminate male child.
Good to see you this morning, Anna.
- Oh, thanks for having me, Jim.
I'm actually very excited
to talk to you today
because when my nephew,
Derrick, turned eight,
he started acting
giggly all the time.
My brother is beside himself,
he's afraid to let him out of the house,
let alone on a night when
everybody's dressing up.
Right, well a lot of parents
feel that way, Jim.
But unless you lock him in
the house, you run the risk
that the ladyboy will sneak out
on his own dressed as a ballerina.
And you'll find him pirouetting
on somebody's front porch
with the whole neighborhood watching.
- Oh, the worst nightmare!
But the good news is,
with a little creativity,
we can disguise your girly
son as a normal kid.
Well, tell us how to
do that, Anna!
Come on out, Travis!
Oh, it looks like we have
a little soldier man here.
This is Travis, say hello, Travis.
- Hello, Travis.
Travis had a gun and a
threatening knife there.
But if you want your child to depict
a male dominated profession,
be very careful not to choose
one that's been co-opted
by the gay community like a fireman,
a cop, a cowboy... - Good point!
Otherwise they'll just end up looking
like a stripper. - Right, exactly!
Now let's take a look at Ben.
- Ben, come on out!
The world of science fiction
is a great place to look for
fierce and violent characters.
- Right, right.
So you're a scary robot, huh?
- I guess so.
This is also a good costume for
what I call, a prancer. - A prancer.
A son who skips delicately
instead of just walking.
Ben, take a few steps.
Well, look at that!
Problem solved.
I want to be a pastry chef
but she wouldn't let me...
Oh, look at this feature!
Oh, now that's a good option.
Especially if you're losing
control of the situation.
Next we have Lance.
- Oh, hey!
How you doing in there,
Big Head?
Lance has long lashes and
an almost compulsive habit
of twirling his curly, blond
around his fingers.
Oh, well not anymore
with that head, right?
I'm a big old bear!
- Yes, you are.
The big head also
muffles his lisp.
Oh! Maybe that's the costume
for my nephew then.
Oh, could be.
- That's a great idea.
Now we have Christian.
- Bla!
Is a vampire really the
right choice here?
Yes, well, vampires
are flashy dressers
but it's all in the service
of seducing a woman.
Oh, OK, right.
- They're virile and dangerous.
But here's what I
want to show you.
By using copious
amount of blood
we have sissy-proofed
this costume.
Now that's a very menacing
looking costume.
Very masculine!
- You ruined my costume!
It happens sometimes,
sweetie, go ahead.
That's really neat.
Now, I hope you parents at home
who have faggy acting little boys
have been taking notes, because we
got a lot of good advice here.
Now we're going to
head back over to Tracy,
who's going to show us how
effective trick-or-treating
can feed your entire
family for a week!
STILL AHEAD THIS HOUR:
HOW TO SQUAT IN YOUR
FORECLOSED HOME
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