HARRY POTTER DATE RAPE
Script/Idea: Lang Fisher
v.5 1/22 (CAROL)
INT. STUDIO
ANCHOR
Harry Potter fans are buzzing with
anticipation after J.K. Rowling
revealed in a radio interview this
morning that, in the seventh and
final installment of the best
selling series, one of the
characters will be date raped.
CUT TO:
B-Roll: Pan across the covers of the different books.
Stock Footage: Kids in various Harry Potter costumes.
ANCHOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
She dropped the bombshell on London
Morning Radio yesterday.
Radio coverage. Show picture of J.K.
J.K. ROWLING
Every question about what really
happened the night Harry's parents
died will be answered in the final
book. Oh, and a character gets
date raped.
**ALTERNATE:
J.K. ROWLING (CONT'D)
It was always my plan to have a
character date rape during the
final book. It was just a matter of
deciding out who -- or what -- the
rapist would be.
**ALTERNATE:
J.K. ROWLING (CONT'D)
It was always my plan to have a
character date rape during the
final book. But whether it is
orally, anally, or merely
vaginally... readers will just have
to wait to find out.
**ALTERNATE:
J.K. ROWLING (CONT'D)
It was always my plan to have a
character date rape during the
final book. It was just a matter of
deciding if she -- or he-- would
survive the experience or bleed to
death.
B-ROLL: photos of different characters ...
ANCHOR
Rowling said the rape occurs in the
fifth chapter of the book, entitled
"An Unanticipated Attack." Among
fans of the series, there is heated
speculation about which one of the
young wizards will be violated.
INT. BOOKSTORE
Two nerds.
NERD WITH RETAINER
I'll bet the rapist will use some
sort of magic-based roofie, perhaps
disguised as a Bertie Bott's every
flavor bean.
Holds up a bag of Bertie Botts beans.
NERD WITH ASTHMA
I bet the rape will be cheered on
by Dobby the house elf, because he
has low self-esteem.
*ALTERNATE:
NERD
I wouldn't be surprised if Ron
Weasley rapes Hermine. 90% of the
time it's someone you know.
*ALTERNATE:
NERD (CONT'D)
Everyone thinks Dumbledore is dead,
but maybe he'll come back for one
final rape.
B-ROLL: a Harry Potter blog.
ANCHOR (V.O.)
Harry Potter internet fan sites
have been jammed with fans debating
the possible rape scenario.
INT. HOUSE
WEBCAM FOOTAGE:
BRITISH SCHOOLGIRL
I just hope that it's that dreadful
Draco Malfoy. He's perfectly awful
to Harry and Harry is lovely. I
hope Draco is date raped by a
dragon.
BRITISH SCHOOLGIRL (CONT'D)
Draco is always getting humiliated
by Harry in front of everyone, so I
bet he rapes Mistress McGonagall to
inflate his own sense of power.
*ALTERNATE:
BRITISH SCHOOLGIRL (CONT'D)
I bet the Whomping Willow has a lot
of anger issues. I bet it rapes
someone with it's branch.
INT. HOUSE
WEBCAM FOOTAGE:
WOMAN
I wouldn't mind seeing that Severus
Snape have a few too many
butterbeers and end up bent over in
the back of the Shrieking Shack
with some hard-bodied Hufflepuff.
*ALTERNATE:
WOMAN (CONT'D)
Hermine trusts Harry more than
anyone. He could take advantage of
that trust with or without the help
of magic.
*ALTERNATE:
WOMAN (CONT'D)
I bet it's Harry, the poor little
guy. He had an abusive childhood,
you know.
INT STUDIO
SPLITSCREEN:
ANCHOR
Lucky for us, we don't have to
guess. We have Scholastic Press's
Vice President of P.R., Ethan Brach
to help us with our own
predictions. Hello Ethan.
Wider shot with ETHAN sitting at the desk with ANCHOR.
ETHAN
Hello! Those were all really good
guesses.
BRANDON ARMSTRONG
So, Ethan, who will this victim be?
*ALTERNATE:
BRANDON ARMSTRONG (CONT'D)
So, Ethan, who will this victim be?
Will it be vaginal rape, anal--
maybe even oral?
ETHAN
Oh no, I don't want to spoil the
big secret.
BRANDON ARMSTRONG
Surely you can at least tell us if
it happens in the back seat of a
car, in a dorm room, or in the
locker room--
ETHAN
After a quidditch match, you must
mean! Nope. My lips are sealed.
BRANDON ARMSTRONG
Previous books contained sorcery
and murder, the next one a rape--
this is children's literature?
ETHAN
One reason these books stay so
popular is because the characters
grow up along with the readers.
They deal with the same problems as
"Muggle" teens. That means normal
human.
BRANDON ARMSTRONG
Oh.
ETHAN
Well anyway, with all the troubles
in the world today, it's fitting
that one of our characters would be
anally raped in the final volume
and left to deal with the
psychological trauma in perpetuity.
BRANDON ARMSTRONG
So then it will be an anal rape?
Ethan freezes. He revealed too much.
ETHAN
I, er-- we'll just have to wait and
see...
BRANDON ARMSTRONG
But you clearly said anal rape.
ETHAN
Well, it might not not be anal
rape. You'll just have to buy the
book to get the whole story. (wink)
BRANDON ARMSTRONG
Thanks for nothing, Ethan.
TIGHT SHOT on ANCHOR
BRANDON ARMSTRONG (CONT'D)
Rowling has also refused to comment
on internet rumors that another
wizard will bleed to death in a
back alley sex change operation.
**ALTERNATE:
BRANDON ARMSTRONG (CONT'D)
Rowling also refused to comment on
internet rumors that the next book
will open with the explosion of a
secret methamphetamine lab at
Hogwart Academy.
**ALTERNATE:
BRANDON ARMSTRONG (CONT'D)
Rowling also refused to comment on
internet rumors that Janeane
Garafalo has already signed on to
play a rape counselor in the next
movie.
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