LIVE FROM CONGRESS: Hobo Murder
Script/Idea: Dan Mirk.
This Draft: v.3 2-5-07
INT. CONGRESS
An elderly congressman stands at the podium, occasionally
referring to his notes.
CHYRON: Rep. John Edelman (R), Indiana
CONGRESSMAN
...shall commence standard Public
Airings. Public Airings number 749
07 now proceeding with reference to
addendum C, subsection H, page
11287: Chronology of and Methods
By Which I Murdered a Hobo for
Purpose of Recreation, June 8,
1997. Subsection H, Section 1: At
approximately 3:25 AM I approached
Hobo while said Hobo was asleep in
parking lot of Victorville area
Sizzler. Section 2: I licked my
lips. Section 2 (A): I then
produced from within my sport coat
one quarter inch torque wrench.
Section 2 (B): After removing my
Yale class ring, I proceeded to
bludgeon said hobo in a frenzied
manner. Section 3: Said hobo was
startled. I continued to bludgeon,
shrieking my mother's name.
Section 4: Upon expiration of
Hobo, I began to urinate upon
corpse in a zig-zag pattern.
Section 5: At approximately 3:30 AM
I left said Sizzler parking lot,
driving one 2006 edition Lexus LS.
Section 5 (A): In course of drive
home, I glanced momentarily in
rearview mirror and did not
recognize myself. Section 6: Upon
returning home, my spouse, Mrs.
Janice Edelman, asked, quote, "My
God, where have you been?" Section
6 (A): To which I responded, quote,
"Just taking out the trash.
I've never felt so alive." Madame
Speaker, I yield back the balance
of my time.
*ALTERNATE END
1:
CONGRESSMAN (CONT'D)
Section 4: At approximately 3:30 AM
I left said Sizzler parking lot,
driving one 1999 Dodge Caravan.
Section 4 (A): During drive back
to my motel, I whispered repeatedly
to myself, quote "I never felt so
alive. I never felt so alive."
Section 4 (B): Upon returning to
motel room, I proceeded to wash
blood of said expired Hobo from my
hands and clothing. [ALT (1):
Careful to wipe the blood from my
Yale class ring. ALT (2): I then
threw my clothes into a garbage
bag, threw the bag into the river,
drove home naked, and snuck into
bed] Madame Speaker, I yield back
the balance of my time.
*ALTERNATE END
2:
CONGRESSMAN (CONT'D)
Section 4: At approximately 3:30 AM
I left said Sizzler parking lot,
walking twelve blocks to my home.
Section 4 (A): Upon returning
home, I entered the bedroom of my
son, one Nathan Edelman. Section 4
(B): Said son awoke, asking,
quote, "Daddy, where have you
been?" Section 4 (B): To which I
responded, quote, "Just taking out
the trash. I've never felt more
alive." Section 5: I kissed said
son on his head, wiped a small
smear of hobo blood from his
forehead, bade him good night.
Madame Speaker, I yield back the
balance of my time.
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