LIVE FROM CONGRESS: SKULL FUCKING
Script: Jack Kukoda Idea: Dan Mirk
V.4 (2/27) (DM with punch-up)
INT. CONGRESS
Senator Jack Armitage - old, dignified - stands behind
podium.
CHYRON: Sen. Jack Armitage (D) Ohio
SENATOR
Thank you, Mr. Speaker. I rise
today to introduce the Ocular
Penetration Restriction Act of
2007, mandating a minimum five
year prison term for the offense
ocular penetration, commonly known
as skull-fucking. I don't have to
quote statistics for you. We've
all heard the stories on the news.
Another day, another grandmother
skull-fucked in front of her
apartment building by street thugs
while her neighbors do nothing.
Another small town shop-owner
blind after being skull-fucked by
two gang members simultaneously.
Another once promising honor roll
student who can no longer remember
fractions because ejaculate has
damaged his brain. And we've all
heard the excuses: Skull-fucking
is a problem but we just don't
have the resources to stop it.
Police and prosecutors are busy
enough already without having to
investigate every time some
misguided youth rips out a lady's
eyeball and has sexual intercourse
with the empty socket. Well, I
for one am sick of excuses. And
I'm sick of skull-fucking.
He turns a page in his notes.
The Ocular Penetration Restriction
Act has three main components
aimed at reducing levels of skull
fucking across the nation:
punishment, vigilance, and
deterrence.
Number one: mandatory prison
sentences for convicted skull
fuckers. Number two: increased
police presence in areas of high
skull-fuck concentration. And
number three: community oriented,
faith-based education programs to
stop our children from skull
fucking before they get started.
With this three pronged approach,
we are treating the skull-fucking
epidemic on all skull-fucking
fronts. The Ocular Penetration
Restriction Act will send a clear
message to all those who engage in
skull-fucking: You can no longer
diminish our quality of life
without facing repercussions. We
will no longer stand idly by as
criminals defile our parks, our
city streets, our very
communities, by repeatedly
thrusting their penises into the
eye-cavities of innocent Americans
or their lifeless corpses. This
legislation will stop these crimes
before they start. As the saying
goes, nobody is born a skull
fucker. I only hope for the day
when nobody becomes a skull
fucker. In closing, let me say,
this. Heed my warning: If we do
not open our eyes to reality soon,
they will get fucked right out of
our heads. I yield the remainder
of my time back to the gentleman
from Tennessee.
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