Onion News Network

The Onion

DEAD MAN'S HEART (SHOOTING) Script: Kukoda, Idea: Lang Fisher 7/26/07 (CLK) INT. TODAY NOW SET MALE HOST and FEMALE HOST are chatting over coffee as the camera swoops in on them. MALE HOST Welcome back to Today Now. FEMALE HOST Continuing with our Week of Medical Miracles, today we're joined by a man who was told by doctors he had only a few months to live. Pull Back to reveal DAVE GULBECK, an unremarkable, fortyish white guy. FEMALE HOST (CONT'D) But he was given a second chance at life last month thanks to a heart transplanted from a dead man. FEMALE HOST (CONT'D) Welcome, Dave. Thank you for being here. DAVE Thank you. FEMALE HOST Dave, it must be a pretty amazing feeling to be sitting here talking with us when you didn't even know if you would live... Until that other man died and you were able to claim his heart. DAVE Yeah. It is. I'm incredibly grateful. MALE HOST Dave, can you tell us about your condition and why it was so critical that you take a heart from a dead man? DAVE I was born with cardiac arythmia, which is a congenital condition in which the heart weakens over time. The only hope for people who have it is for a transplant. FEMALE HOST Well, fortunately for you, you got that transplant after Greg Halton, a father of six, was struck down in the prime of his life in a tragic car accident. MALE HOST Luckily for you, though, Greg lived just long enough for doctors to cut his heart out of his chest so you could have it. FOOTAGE: Photos of Greg. He looks like the greatest guy in the world. Kind face, warm smile. All the pictures are of him participating in athletics, with his family, or doing some kind of good deed-like posing with a child in a wheelchair or with a sickly animal. CASTING NOTE: Could be anyone, but should be a young looking, happy seeming 40 year old. Not important that we get the above exactly, but we should try to get him doing 2 or 3 charitable things. Elisa, maybe we could find through Missing Girl Raped connections or similar? MALE HOST (CONT'D) We're looking at some pictures of Greg now. Did you know him before you scored that heart of his? DAVE No. No, I didn't. MALE HOST Well, it's too bad you didn't, because by all accounts, Greg was a pretty great guy. Did you know he was on his way to a charity event when he got into the accident that got you your new heart? DAVE No, they don't tell you anything. FEMALE HOST Apparently, Greg was very active in raising money for children with MS. He was also an avid hiker. DAVE That's wonderful. FEMALE HOST Do you do charity work? DAVE I give my daughter canned goods for her annual school food drive. MALE HOST Do you notice a difference living with Greg's heart? Do you feel more charitable? DAVE Not really... MALE HOST You don't find yourself giving out more spare change or anything? FEMALE HOST Do you feel like you have to carry on Greg's work now that you have his heart beating inside your body? Does that put extra pressure on you? DAVE To be honest, I don't think of it as Greg's heart. Calling it that seems kind of weird. MALE HOST Of course. I'm sure to you he could be any dead man. DAVE It's not that. I'm very grateful for the donation... And for the chance to see my kids grow up. FEMALE HOST Considering that, is it hard that you will never be able to thank the dead man? DAVE (trying to stay calm) Well, of course I wish I could thank him. FEMALE HOST You may not be able to thank Greg in person, but you can thank those who were close to him. Joining us via satellite is Greg's widow Megan Halton. A box pops up with MEGAN HALTON. MEGAN is a small, dignified woman, who looks like she has done nothing but weep for the past few weeks. She is doing her best to hold it together. CHRYON: Megan Halton, Wife of Dead Man Whose Heart Dave Received DAVE looks horrified. FEMALE HOST (CONT'D) Welcome, Megan. Thank you for being here. MEGAN nods meekly. MALE HOST But we're very glad you could join us because a man named Dave Gulbeck has something to say to you. (to DAVE) Dave? DAVE looks like he wants to run off the set and hide in a hole. FEMALE HOST It's okay, Dave. Go on, say it. Tell Greg's widow how thankful you are for her dead husband's heart. DAVE recomposes himself. DAVE Thank you. For your sacrifice. I'm very grateful. Short pause. FEMALE HOST (prodding Dave) For the heart? DAVE For the heart. Yes. MEGAN You're welcome. Short pause. MALE HOST Wow. A truly powerful moment. DAVE looks like he wants to kill himself. FEMALE HOST That's all the time we have for medical miracles segment today. MALE HOST But stick around, because after the break, we're going to be throwing knives at amateur child magicians.