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The Onion

MESSAGES FROM THE TROOPS 6/5/07 (CLK) Characters MEN Hi. I'm Private Jeffrey Warren stationed with the 30th Heavy Separate Brigade in Iraq. I'd like to say hello to my family back in Overland Park, Kansas. Seasons Greetings. I'm Private Victor Boyd serving in the 1st Brigade - 10th Mountain Division stationed in Iraq. Hi. I'm Private Shawn Torres from Mesa, AZ. I'm here with the 2nd Brigade - 82nd Airborne Division in Iraq. Hi. My name is Private Danny Price from the 1st Armored Division in Iraq. I want to say hey to everyone in Albuquerque, NM. I'm Private Gregory Bennet serving in the 4th Stryker Division - 2nd Infantry Division in Iraq, stationed out of Garland, TX. I'm Private Ryan Hayes proud to be serving in the 1st Brigade, 1st Armored Division in Iraq. I hope everyone in Spokane, WA is well. I'm Private Alberto Diaz from the 2nd Battalion, 135th Infantry out of Minnesota. I'm currently serving in Iraq. I'm Private Justin Ellis from Miami, FL. Right now I'm stationed with the 2nd Brigade, 1st Cavalry Division in Iraq. I'm Private Randy Marshall with the 2nd Brigade, 2nd Infantry Division in Iraq. I'm Private First Class Leo Rice serving in the 173rd Airborne Brigade in Iraq. I'd like to say hi to my friends and family back in Colorado Springs, CO. Hi. I'm Private First Class Thomas Holmes stationed with the with the 2nd Brigade, 2nd Infantry Division in Iraq. I'd like to say hello to my wife back in Shreveport, LA. This is Private First Class Mike Robertson serving in the 4th Stryker Division - 2nd Infantry Division in Iraq. I want to wish everyone back in Augusta, GA a merry christmas. I'm Corporal Curtis Kennedy serving in the 101st Airborne Division, Air Assault in Afghanistan. I'd like to say hello to everyone back in Richmond, VA. I'm Corporal Jonathan Mills from the 4th Brigade, 25th Infantry Division in Iraq. I'm from Mobile, AL. WOMEN Private Maria Ramos in the 4th Brigade - 1st Cavalry Division in Iraq. Private Elizabeth Ward stationed with the 45th Infantry Brigade in Iraq. Private First Class Diane Knight stationed with the 25th Infantry Division in Iraq. Private First Class Theresa Shelton serving in the 1st Battalion, 151st Infantry Regiment in Iraq. EXT. BASE Soldier lovingly holds canteen. SOLDIER Hi mom, hi dad, just wanted to let you know that even though my return home date is in three months, I plan on re-enlisting and staying here as long as possible. I have fallen in love with army-issued canteen. She's always there for me, and I can't abandon her here. EXT. BASE SOLDIER First I want to say hi to my mom, dad, and little sister. Also, some buddies of mine have died, and I promised them I'd say hi to their loved ones as well. So, to the parents of my friend Craig, who got killed by a roadside mine, hey. And the grandparents of my buddy Hal, who got picked off by a sniper in the Sunni triangle, I love you mee-maw and papa. And that's about it. There was this guy from Arkansas, but the letter he wanted me to read burned up when his tank caught fire. EXT. BASE SOLDIER I want to salute the lawmakers who are battling to keep us over here. Stay strong. Don't give up. We'll never forget your efforts. EXT. BASE SOLDIER Hi, Cally. I got your e-mail about the flea market you said they're opening downtown. (deadly serious) Listen to me: do not go to it. Do not go to any open air markets. They are much more dangerous than we thought. EXT. BASE SOLDIER What's up to my people back in Dublin, Ohio. This is staff sergeant John Chambers. I want to give a special hello to my - uh - girlfriend. (OS: You don't have a fuckin' girlfriend) Yeah, I do! And she's, like, totally hot. (OS: Bullshit. What's her name?) Joyce-lin…Linda…no, Dawn. (OS: Fuckin' liar!) Shut up! God, fuck you guys. EXT. BASE SOLDIER (V.O.) (monotone of a Ken Burns doc) My darling Rosa. This war is long and this war is hard. The General marches by with messages of hope. But I don't know how much I can bare. I ache for you. Yours, Samuel X. Fairchild, 5th Battalion. EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) (Idealist young soldier) Happy Holidays to all in Duluth! Get this, the President sent the army a Christmas card. Makes me feel like a celebrity! (opens card) He says, "Keep up the good work! And don't let anyone tell you that you are fighting for a pointless cause or that I don't know what I'm doing, because I do, but maybe it's a secret. Merry Christmas, the President of the whole country." (he beams) EXT. BASE SOLDIER Greetings from Iraq, Captain Mullins and Captain Wilson. You're the military recruiters who got me over here. When I get home I'm going to hunt you down like dogs and kill you for sending me to this shithole. EXT. BASE SOLDIER Honey, remember when you said we should try new things in our relationship? Well, you're in luck, because nothing shocks me anymore. EXT. BASE SOLDIER Hey my secret homosexual lover, Ben. I hope you are getting this message, but that no one else in the military is watching it, because they certainly would not want me serving if they knew I was so gay. I mean, really really gay. EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) This is Major Daniel Black stationed here in Iraq…Just wanted to say hello to my wife, Maria…uh…don't really have much else to say. Covered a lot of it at the MSNBC video message tent. Then I got to film messages for Fox News, CNN, CBS before the Spike TV, Cooking Network and LOGO vans came in yesterday. I'm getting to talk to you more now than when I was at home! Seriously, nothing new has happened. EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) To society. I can't wait to rejoin you. Hopefully the baggage I've accumulated here won't make me a permanent outcast with whole life ahead of me and nothing but terrifying nightmares to keep me company. EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) Merry Christmas everybody back in Wyoming. Now I know why Uncle Albert drinks so much and never talks about Vietnam. When I get back, beers on me, Uncle Al!" EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) Hi little Megan, it's me, Daddy. I'm having a lot of fun at that costume party I've been at for the past 14 months. I know, I promised my tour of uh, party would be over for real this time, but the, partymaster asked me to stay and help teach the new partygoers how to fend for themselves… as far as party planning. Dips and chips and whatnot. So I'll see you soon. (beat) Whoo! Fun! EXT. BASE SOLDIER Hey Cathy, it's me. I wanted to say thanks for the Sudoku book. It's literally the only thing here that makes any sense at all. (ALT: It's really the only thing that gives my life here any meaning.) EXT. BASE SOLDIER Hey mom and dad! I got your letter. Glad you guys are doing well. It's great to hear that Tucker's gonna get married! Things are pretty good here. They found part of my hand. EXT. BASE SOLDIER Hey to everyone back home in Sheridan Wyoming and let me know if you hear anything on the news about when me and the guys might be coming home. EXT. BASE SOLDIER Mom! Dad! Guess what? I started shaving this week! EXT. BASE SOLDIER Hey Cathy I know I told you I'd be right back but we got redeployed again so you can throw away that steak sandwich. EXT. BASE SOLDIER Hi, I'm private Patrick Newell from Portland, Oregon, and I want to give a big hello to my grandma back home, my little brother away at college, and to a world without mayhem, unpredictability, and the constant lingering fear, sights, and smells of death. A world I can never return to. Happy Holidays! EXT. BASE SOLDIER Hey, sweet girl, it's Michael. Things are quiet over here. Actually it's kind of boring. I have a lot of time to kill. I spend a lot of time on that laptop your mom gave me. Hey, I saw that you're on MySpace! You look great. That picture of you is really hot. You know what's funny? I couldn't find anything about me anywhere on the page! Is there like a special area I have to register for or something? I mean, I saw Shelley and Anna commented and they didn't mention me… and what were you doing Saturday night that was so crazy? I sent you a bunch of emails. You're probably busy. I love you! SOLDIER (CONT'D) Man who reminisces about seeing Jerry McGuire with girlfriend and does the impression of Ray saying "the human head weighs 8 lbs" and then says "I picked one up and it does…it's heavy!" EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) Soldier singing "Rescue me" (Scott: Or "S.O.S. sprayed on camera) EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) Hey Clyde and Steve. Things are awesome over here. It's like laser tag but totally, totally real and everyone's playing, even when you don't think they are. EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) Candy, send me some sexy photos of you. I totally could trade them for body armor. ALTERNATES: SOLDIER (CONT'D) (in quick, happy patter) This is Air Force Staff Sergeant Jeffrey Lubbers. To all my friends and family back in Port Huron, Michigan, I just want to say hello, and God bless, and I don't know how I'm not dead yet. (waves) Take care! EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) Hi to my girlfriend, Kelly. I can't wait to get back and put this ring on your finger. It belonged to an Iraqi woman. EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) This is Sergeant Jeff Salerno, saying hi mom, and maybe the next time you want to nag you'll think twice, because as you can see, I put my money where my mouth is and joined the army. So next time you say I can't borrow the car, think twice, because I've almost been blown up four times. EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) This is Pvt. Ray Newell saying hi to all my family and friends in New York City. I am getting shot at by insurgents all over this damn country… I can't wait to get home, where I can get shot at by the police. ALT: I miss the days of running around Baltimore, getting shot at by police. EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) Last week, Dane Cook did a show on our base. It was pretty cool. He was right: the war WOULD be a lot easier if we all got 30 lives. EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) Last week, Dane Cook did a show on our base. He did this thing about Voltron that was pretty funny. Then later a car bomb blew up like 8 guys. EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) This is Tech Sergeant Steve Heise stationed out here in the Diyala Province. I just wanted to take a moment to say hi to all of my ex girlfriends out there. Hey, what does your new boyfriend do? Oh yeah? Oh that sounds cute…I'm helping our country fight the war on terror. Hope you feel real good about breaking up with me now, ladies. EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) Hey gang. Remember I told you a little while back that me and Devin were totally psyched because they were gonna put a Taco Bell at Camp Freedom? (solemn) Well, I'm sure Devin is still psyched, wherever he is. [Alt: I believe Devin would still be psyched, if he were still alive.] EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) (A very frail, elderly man) P-F-C Harold Gunderthorn. Part of the fighting 3ID. Go Army! (He tries to lift his gun in the air but can't lift it) To Tommy, Janet, Francine, and all my other great-grandkids, great grandpa Harold loves you! EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) (Perky girl soldier) Hey mom and dad, don't worry I've made some really great new friends since I lost everyone in my last unit. EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) Hi, this is airman Jeff Huckley from Plano, TX and I'm stationed in Rahmadi air force base in Iraq. Things are pretty good here. It's really hot. Reminds me a lot Texas. Except for the constant fear and smell of death. EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) Just want to say hi to my Mom and Dad. I hope you guys kept my room the same, because I'm definitely not anymore. EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) ...Me and the boys started a friendly betting pool way back for how long we were gonna be here and, boom, I won! Nobody thought it would be this long, but I called it. Booya! Hundred bucks in the bank... EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) Hey Mom, it's Sammy. I have some bad news… don't freak out. (shows leg stump) I lost my prosthetic leg. Could you send me another one? Thanks! EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) Hey there, I wanted to say hello to all my friends and family back in Boston Mass. Uh… my wife Julie, can't wait to see you… Uh… oh man, this is harder than I thought. I wanna make sure I remember everyone. (takes out list) My best friend Buck, my dog Tarantula. I wanna thank my third grade teacher, Mrs. Windemere, you always said I could do it when no one else could. I wanna thank the recruiter who convinced me that the army was the way to go, you were so, so right. I'm not done yet! I wanna thank my sergeant, who gives me a hard time, but I know it's for my sake and my first lieutenant who gives him a hard time, but for my sake… EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) (A Message Home That is Obviously Edited to Sound Positive from a Message That Was Originally Sad and Depressing) Hey Mom and Dad! I have never had a…..better time…..in my life. I wish I could kill…..more Iraqis…..for…..my…..country. I have never been more sad…..about….the idea of coming home….before….this war is over. I…..never…….want to come home. I would love to see you……but…..I……will stay here forever. EXT. BASE SOLDIER (throughout the performance, it becomes clear that this troop is reading from cue cards or being prompted) Hello family and lovers of freedom, it's your son, Todd. I just wanted to say what a blast I am having here. It's a pleasure to wake up every day and know that I am serving my country. Some may say that this war was unfounded and that President Bush should have pulled out of Iraq years ago, but I stand behind him. He is a great leader, and I am excited to fight this war with him and for him, so that freedom can reign for years to come. Take care, I love you, and God bless this great nation. EXT. BASE SOLDIER Thanks to all my pen pals from Ms. Winters class in Asheville, North Carolina. All your cards and those drawings of your favorite foods really took my mind off all this death around me. EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) Hey guys, I had a long story to tell you but they're saying keep it short, so - I got shot in the skull, but I was not wounded. It's really complicated, I'll tell you the story later. EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) Hey everybody. I've been trying to learn Arabic. (butchers some hard-to pronounce Arabic word, trying like 2 or 3 times to say it properly) That means goodbye. So, yeah, (does it again, while waving and smiling) Goodbye. EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) I've been trying to learn Arabic out here. I tell you, it's really embarrassing to have to get a ten year-old to help you out when you have to decide whether or not to kill somebody. EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) Jeremy Hagel saying hi from Al Anbar province in Iraq. Want to say hi to my baby back in Durango Colorado. Baby, I got your letter and I really don't think it's a good idea for you to come out here to be with me right now. Things are all crazy for me and it's a war zone and I just think you'd be really bored. Of course, I'd love for you to meet the people I work with - I'm not embarrassed by you at all, honestly…Also, I've had some time to think since I've been here and I think maybe I need a break - [cuts off] EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) Fiona Dunn, medic with the 32nd airborne division. Want to wish my friends and family in Florida all the best, and I want to thank the entire town of Fort Lauderdale for agreeing to jointly raise my son while I'm fighting here. EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) Good morning to everyone in Columbus, OH. I can't wait to come home. Boy do I have some stories that I can't shake from my conscience! EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) Hey, Brian! Bet I could kick your ass at Counterstrike now! I just wish health regenerated here. EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) Hey everybody back home. Things are going great here. It's like those Go Army commercials except with blood. EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) ...And Mom, thanks for the care packages with the sardines in them. Keep 'em coming, I can use the sardine cans for body armor." (Shows sardine can suit under his jacket) EXT. BASE SOLDIER (CONT'D) Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad. Say, I don't mean to be weird or anything, but… (tearing up) …I didn't get presents last night, so I was wondering, is there a Santa Claus? (sobbing, turns off camera) EXT. BASE SOLDIER Hello, dear family. I bring you a tale. A tale of the bravest soldier to fight in Iraq. His name was Samson Bright and he stood seven feet tall, if he stood at all. His hair was a shock of gleaming gold and his eyes, cold and blue as ice. At one time he could vanquish 500, nay, 5000 insurgents all with the one weapon we'd ever wield: his MP5 submachine gun. He lived to be 423 before he was murdered by scheming generals too overcome with jealousy and hate to see Samson's full goodness. I send this video'd message as an honor to him. To Samson. Samson Bright! EXT. BASE SOLDIER I hope everything down at the sporting goods store is cool. Is everyone still alive? ********************************** ******** NON- IRAQ ******** ********************************** EXT. NON-IRAQ BASE SOLDIER Hi, I'm stationed at Rammstein Air Force Base in Germany. Just want to say hello to all my friends and family back home. And to all the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. Best of luck, boys. Hope things are going better than what we read in the papers. EXT. NON-IRAQ BASE SOLDIER Hi, this is Greg Jentzen, stationed at TKTK base in Spain. Want to say hello to all the troops fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. (Obviously defensive)I was totally supposed to go to Iraq. Like, I signed up and requested to be sent to the front lines and everything, but for some reason they sent me here to Spain. I didn't ask to be sent here at all. It's out of my hands, you know. EXT. NON-IRAQ BASE SOLDIER This is Jack Warbley, airman first class in the US Air Force, stationed at tk base in Valencia, Spain. 'Hola, amigos y familia ==== los Estados Unidos. TKTKTk TKTK TKTKTK" That's Spanish for "Hello to all my friends and families back in the United States. Thank God I'm not in Iraq." EXT. NON-IRAQ BASE SOLDIER Hi, this is Clem Ruskins, stationed at Name TK Base in the Czech Republic. We're far away from the front line in Iraq, but doesn't mean we're safe here because we all know terrorists are determined to kill Americans wherever they are. (Pause) Happy Thanksgiving! EXT. NON-IRAQ BASE SOLDIER Hi, this is private first class Dennis Martin, stationed at TKTK in South Korea. Things are great here. The weather is very nice, the people are friendly, and it's thousands of miles from Iraq. EXT. NON-IRAQ BASE SOLDIER Hi, this is Jeff Tucker, United States Marine Corps, stationed at Paris Island. My commanders say I can't deploy to Iraq until I pass the rope climbing course. I've been trying to finish it for months, but I just can't seem to get the hang of it. Oh, well. I'm sure I'll figure it out soon. Hi, this Special Forces officer Pete Carney, coming to you from Iran. I mean Iraq. Iraq. Definitely in Iraq. Yup. Things are pretty good here. In Iraq. Hoo boy. Gotta go. Happy Thanksgiving. This is John Keller stationed in Rammstein, Germany. I just want to say hey to my buddy Hector who's over in Iraq right now. Hector, you gotta come to Germany. It's amazing. I'm having the time of my life. So look out for roadside bombs and snipers and, yeah, if you don't die, come visit. Hey, this is NAME stationed in Rammstein, Germany. I just want to say I'm proud to be serving my duty to America, standing by to protect us from the Europeans should they turn on us. Try not to worry about me, mom and dad. I knew what I was getting into when I signed up for this, and I am proud to take on the full responsibility, no matter the risks. Just pray for me and I know I'll make it home. This is Air Force Sergeant NAME stationed in Rammstein, Germany, just saying "What's up" to my buddy Trevor who's in the Army over in Baghdad. Haven't heard from you in a while. Things are good here: We just sit around, playing video games, going to the bars and movies... I even met a German girl that I've been dating for a while now. I'm pretty much in love with her, and we might get married. Anyway, hope you're getting to do the same over in Iraq. Hello to all my Army buddies over in Iraq. It must seem like things are pretty different between us now, since I got stationed here in Germany, but it's probably more similar than you'd think. Like the other day I thought I saw a roadside bomb. It turned out it was just a really fat cat trying to eat part of a burger out of a paper bag, but for a second it was like I was right there with you guys. Anyway, keep up the good work. This is Staff Seargent NAME just saying hello to my family back in Raleigh, North Carolina. I believe I have won the hearts and minds of the people here in Rammestein, Germany, where I am stationed. Hi, I'm NAME, stationed in Switzerland, and this goes out to all the soldiers over in Iraq. I don't think there's anything I would rather do than leave this base and come over there and fight with you guys in Iraq. I mean, I really would love to. But, I guess, duty calls, you gotta go where Uncle Sam sends you. So I'll be staying here in the snowy mountains of Switzerland. But I swear I really wish I was there in Baghdad. I guess you can't always get everything, though. This is NAME, stationed in Rammstein, Germany. This goes out to all my brothers in arms over in Iraq and Afghanistan. We might be far apart, but in spirit, I am right there with you. When you're engaged in fire-fights, and defusing roadside bombs, and caring for your buddies who have been wounded and need drastic medical help, just know that I'll be here in my bunk in Germany thinking about you. It'll be like I'm standing right next to you helping to mop up the blood, even if I'm taking a nap. Let's go, Marines! Semper fi! ********************************** ******** KEN BURNS ******** ********************************** EXT BASE - KEN BURNS MESSAGE SOLDIER (V.O.) (CONT'D) My dear Brittney. My mission here in Tikrit may be may be one of severe conflict and death to me. Not my will, but thine 0 God, be done. If it is necessary that I should fall on the battlefield for my country, I am ready. I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in, the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans upon the triumph of the Government, and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution. And I am willing -- perfectly willing -- to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt. EXT BASE - KEN BURNS MESSAGE SOLDIER (V.O.) (CONT'D) Greetings to my dear family in Rockford, IL. I have sought most closely and diligently, and often in my breast, for a wrong motive in thus hazarding the happiness of those I loved and I could not find one. A pure love of my country and of the principles have often advocated before the people and "the name of honor that I love more than I fear death" have called upon me, and I have obeyed. EXT BASE - KEN BURNS MESSAGE SOLDIER (V.O.) (CONT'D) Shaniqua, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me to you with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly on with all these chains to the battlefield. EXT BASE - KEN BURNS MESSAGE SOLDIER (V.O.) (CONT'D) The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when God willing, we might still have lived and loved together and seen our sons grow up to honorable manhood around us. Something whispers to me -- perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Tyrell -- that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not, my dear Shaniqua, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battlefield, it will whisper your name. EXT BASE - KEN BURNS MESSAGE SOLDIER (V.O.) (CONT'D) This evening, the 20th of May, affords me the delightful pleasure of writing to you all at home. Home. Home. How much pleasure there is in that word home? There is more than tongue can express. How oft have I thought of home. That place that I formerly so little appreciated. And to think of those that are there. The kind Father, the indulgent Mother to which I have been so disrespectful in days gone by. The fond sisters that I have so oft mistreated. Oh, that I could have my time over again how different I would live. Thank you for care package you sent-- the People magazines and the Cheetoes were a big hit among the men. EXT BASE - KEN BURNS MESSAGE SOLDIER (V.O.) (CONT'D) Dear Brother and Sister in Pine Ridge , Mississippi. Last Monday morning I was awakened by the heavy booming of artillery and upon inquiring the case, was informed that the insurgents were only about two or three miles from town. They had overtaken a public building and had made a demonstration at day light. I judged by the time and the length of the firing that we were to have a general engagement that day and oh, how I prayed for success to our arms, for I knew what a formidable antagonist they would have to cope with. All day the hand held rocket launchers bellowed and once in a while a breeze would bring the faint report of firearms. But along in the afternoon, the explosion of an air attack became quite plain and at length cheers could be heard. We had been victorious! EXT BASE - KEN BURNS MESSAGE SOLDIER (V.O.) (CONT'D) Dear Mother. Your kind letter arrived last night & found me well. To hear that you are well is a source of great pleasure to me. I still hope that I may be permitted to see you again, but if Providence otherwise determines, I shall expect to meet you in a "Home beyond the Tide" where no sorrow is but where all is joy. I know that there is a crown of glory prepared for all that prove faithful. Tell Dad Hi, too, and make sure he moved my mustang inside the garage for winter.