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The Onion

MYSTERIOUS TRAVELER (SMALL LOCATION) NEWS SHOW Script/Idea: West/West This Draft: 10/23/07 (DM) Note to KERI: the town in this needs to feel like a heavily trafficked campaign town with a bunch of campaign posters and shit everywhere. Note to LOCATIONS: The specific locations like restaurant and marketplace are just suggestions. Really, it could be anything that looks like a nice spot in a small town. INT. NEWSROOM ANCHOR A buzz of excited chatter is racing through West Fairlee, New Hampshire, as a strange traveler unexpectedly arrived in the New England town and electrified the residents with a grand vision for a utopian future. FOOTAGE: John Edwards getting off a helicopter or plane. If unavailable, just use some footage of him surrounded by aides. ANCHOR (V.O.)(CONT'D) The mysterious traveler emerged from a gleaming aircraft, surrounded by a bevy of guards and attendants. As crowds formed he was swept away in secret, only to reveal himself shortly thereafter. EXT. RESTAURANT WOMAN We all gathered at the [whatever the location is in the clip] in the center of town to hear him speak. We wanted to know who this stranger was who had come to guide us. FOOTAGE: Cut to clip of a real John Edwards stump speech. ANCHOR (V.O.) The traveler spoke to a gathered crowd numbering in the hundreds, enrapturing them with prophecies of a future filled with prosperity. JOHN EDWARDS CLIP The choice we must make is as important as it is clear. It is a choice between looking back and looking forward. EXT. MARKETPLACE A MAN stands with a non-speaking extra as his WIFE. MAN He offered us a choice: wallow in sadness and despair, or join him in a march toward a great new era! FOOTAGE: Another Edwards speech clip. JOHN EDWARDS CLIP All of it is possible! EXT. A MARKETPLACE Same MAN as before. MAN This'll happen only if we select him as leader. He warned us about the others who will come to town after him. He said we shouldn't believe any of them. EXT. A PARK OLD MAN He swore he would not be corrupted by the temptations of money. If he speaks the truth, then his will is strong. Stronger than any man's I have ever met. FOOTAGE: Edwards in a crowd of people signing autographs, taking pictures with people, answering their questions. ANCHOR (V.O.) After speaking, the traveler descended from his stage to walk amongst the people themselves, listening to their stories and allowing them to touch his clothes and skin. FOOTAGE: Edwards employees handing out pins, stickers, shirts, etc. ANCHOR (V.O.) (CONT'D) The traveler's finely dressed entourage made their way through town with gifts and souvenirs for everyone, encouraging them to spread his message of prosperity to others. EXT. RESTAURANT Same WOMAN from before holds up an Edwards bumper sticker and a pin. WOMAN These things will remind me of him. It will remind me to have hope in the future. FOOTAGE: Edwards shaking hands, hugging people, kissing babies and all that. EXT. A PARK OLD MAN I will never forget him. INT. NEWSROOM ANCHOR After two hours in the city, the traveler boarded his airplane and flew away to spread his vision to the next township: Cheever, New Hampshire. Up next, venison. Just how rotten is too rotten? The answer may delight you. END. ---- ALTERNATES: SCOTT ALTERNATE: MAN He offered us a choice: wallow in sadness and despair, or join him in a march toward a great new era! This is the greatest thing to ever happen to our town. -- FOOTAGE: Edwards eating food at a small town restaurant. ANCHOR (V.O.) After speaking, the traveler tested the local food in order to get a better familiarize himself with the people. -- FOOTAGE: Edwards eating food at a small town restaurant. ANCHOR (V.O.) (CONT'D) Before departing, the traveler took in sustenance for the next leg of his months-long journey. -- MAN He dressed like us, but he was not one of us. He was better, wiser, and stronger. -- MAN (CONT'D) Friends, he's just like us, except no matter how hard the wind blew, his hair stayed in one place, shining and smooth. -- WOMAN He told us he'd save our planet from suffocation by smoke and fire, and then he made this sign. (She gives a thumbs up) What could it have meant? Surely something glorious. -- WOMAN (CONT'D) (holding an Edwards pin) His symbols remind me of him and his incredible visit to our town. -- OLD MAN He said he could bring me medicine and health. If his prophecies be true, I may live out my days in comfort and not pain. -- ANCHOR The traveler departed soon thereafter. Where did he go? No one can say. However, there are rumors that a strange traveler similar to him has been seen walking the streets of Cheever, New Hampshire. We'll follow that story as details come in. -- WOMAN Never will I forget him. Never will I forget the bold and visionary visitor I saw this day. -- ANCHOR Upon departing, he said that although his body would be gone, he would stay with the townspeople in spirit until the day when he took his seat of power.