NICK NOLTE DETECTORS (SHORT SEGMENT)
Script by: Dominic Dierkes
5/2/2007 (CLK)
INT. ONION NEWS STUDIO
GRAPHIC of Nick Nolte's DUI mug shot. Perhaps a red circle
with line over face?
ANCHOR
American roads are about to get a
lot safer due to a new federal
ruling. A recent innovation in car
safety equipment -- an on-board
sensor that can detect if actor
Nick Nolte is behind the wheel --
is about to become standard
equipment in all new vehicles.
EXT. DOT PRESS CONFERENCE
CHYRON: NAME, DEPT OF TRANSPORTATION SPOKESMAN
LOWER THIRDS: DOT PRESS CONFERENCE / EARLIER TODAY
DOT GUY
Starting in 2009, every new vehicle
must contain a certified anti-Nolte
steering wheel.
FLASH CUT:
DOT GUY (CONT'D)
This is a big step in ensuring the
safety of all drivers on the road.
ALTERNATE:
DOT GUY (CONT'D)
The federal government -- working
with auto manufacturers to protect
you.
DOT GUY (CONT'D)
This is the biggest advancement in
road safety since seat-belts.
*ALTERNATE:
DOT GUY (CONT'D)
(as the line before the flash cut)
Starting in 2009, all new vehicles
will be required to have the
device.
*ALTERNATE:
DOT GUY (CONT'D)
We are committed to driver safety.
This device will be a huge step
forward in reducing the risk of
driving America's roads.
*ALTERNATE:
DOT GUY (CONT'D)
If you starred in Jefferson in
Pants or Another 48 Hours, you
should not be behind the wheel.
The graphic lists the seven features: unwashed matted grey
hair, bags under eyes, etc.
ANCHOR
Here's how the device works. When a
key is inserted into the ignition,
a lens in the steering wheel
captures an image of the driver...
GRAPHICS: A generic person sits down in the driver's seat. A
camera on the steering wheel a picture. The picture is then
scanned with a silhouette outline of Nolte's mugshot with his
hair going every which way.
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
...and the device uses computer
technology to analyze the driver's
face for seven prominent Nolte
features.
*ALTERNATE:
Graphic: Graphic from above clearly shows the outline of
Nolte.
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
...the device uses a seven-point
laser scanning technique to analyze
the driver's face for signs of
danger.
If five or more of the points read
positive, the steering wheel locks
and an alarm sounds.
*ALTERNATE:
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
...the device uses computer
technology to analyze the driver's
face. If the scan picks up a
possible danger, the steering wheel
locks and an alarm sounds.
The graphic says: POSSIBLE MATCH. STEERING WHEEL LOCK.
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
If the computer detects a match
with its internal database of
warning features, the steering
wheel locks and an alarm sounds.
FOOTAGE: A new car showroom.
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
Several newer car models already
feature the safety equipment.
Graphic: 2008 Toyota Camry Standard Safety Features. It lists
standard features like Airbag, Air Conditioning, Overhead
Console Storage, Cruise Control, highlights the Anti-Nolte
Steering Wheel.
FOOTAGE: A car in showroom with lights flashing on and off.
COMPUTER VOICE (V.O.)
Nolte! Nolte! Nolte!
ANCHOR
Officials expect the device to save
hundreds or even thousands of lives
in the years until the year 2030 or
so.
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
Officials expect the device to save
hundreds or even thousands of lives
in the years until Nolte's death.
ALTERNATE:
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
Officials say the device is the
latest in a line of features meant
to keep dangerous drivers off the
road, including the AndyDickAlizer
and the JonathanWinterScan.
INT. ONION NEWS STUDIO
ANCHOR
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