Obama announced today
he will drastically scale back
his agenda for America
after a visit to a Denny's restaurant in
Manassas, Virginia caused him to quote,
"Completely reconsider what
our nation is capable of achieving."
In a press conference this
afternoon the president said,
"What I saw at Denny's made me realize
how much I have overestimated
the American people.
Before we reclaim global leadership,
we must first stop eating six sausages and a
pound of eggs covered in syrup for breakfast,
and we must stop leaving
the house in sweatpants."
For more let's go to Onion News Network
Washington Corespondent, Jane Karmichael
who is traveling with the
president this morning.
Thanks Andrea.
The president stopped by
the Deny's for breakfast
in route to a speaking engagement,
and spent about 35 minutes inside.
When he came out
he looked visibly shaken.
I spoke to several Deny's
customers and employees
who witnessed the presidents visit.
Well I told him I had no job and
he asked where I had been looking for one.
And I was like,
"What do I want to work for?"
He said something to me
about some colleges,
something for my kids.
But I could barley hear him
with this little bitch
crying his head off.
I microwaved his food until
it was hot all the way through
because, you know,
he's the president.
Several people noted that Obama looked,
"Real uneasy throughout much of the meal,
particularly when he saw a drunk man
who sleeping in a nearby booth
sit up and vomit on his
chocolate chip pancakes
and immediately go back to sleep."
Thanks Jane.
And we have White House
Deputy Press Secretary
Tod Grand joining us right now.
Mr. Grand give us a sense of how big
these post Deny's policy changes will be.
Well Andrea, the president was deeply
unsettled by his experience at Denny's.
So, it's safe to say the
changes will be sweeping.
They're all laid out in his new
"Realistic Hope for America Plan."
And it basically replaces the
presidents previous agenda
with goals he now thinks are more
within the grasp of the American public.
Such as not slapping your children in public,
not calling your waitress a, "Cunt,"
and not smoking while eating
your Moons Over My Hammy.
Surely he is going to face strong criticism
for abandoning his previous plans.
- For example on the environment.
- Andre, I was with the president
when he went inside the Deny's.
Those plans were never going to happen.
- Really?
- But the president hasn't abandoned
his principles.
It's true that he's no longer calling
for one million hybrid cars by 2
But he is calling on Americans to think about
walking to the liquor store down the block
instead of driving.
We believe America can do it.
And we're also encouraging
Americans to quit meth,
and stop getting
Tweety Bird tattoos.
So big picture Mr. Grand,
what does this mean for the long-term
goals of the Obama presidency.
Well it's certainly not to make America
a world leader in anything anymore.
But we hope to inspire all of America
to band together and make our nation
a little bit less of an embarassing
disgusting shit hole.
OK, well that makes sense.
Mr. Grand thank you
so much for being with us.
Thanks Andrea.
Moving on, a study shows that by 2
American children will be too obese
to ride hover boards.
Still Ahead;
airlines institute 'landing fee'
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