If you haven't felt the pinch yet,
you will soon.
As of today, the average cost of
a pack of cigarettes has gone up to
2 handjobs
and a stick of beef jerky.
For more, we're going on to
Onion News Network
Prison Economics Expert,
Hal Rogen.
Hal, I never thought I'd see the day when
cigarettes cost more than one handjob.
Why the sudden spike now?
Well, most analysts are tracing it back to
the brother's pop off at St. Quinton, Friday.
The lock down that resulted there
cut cigarette imports up to 66%
across the
West Coast System.
That's a much steeper drop off
than anyone saw it coming.
Oh, you better believe it.
But of course,
we shouldn't discount
the recent influx of punks at Chino.
According to reports, more than 8
of these were official 'greeners',
willing to give 2 handjobs and
a stick of beef jerky for a pack of rollies.
And their rejuberance is what's causing
the increases we're seeing
in so many other sectors today,
from baby oil, to trazors,
to chess sets, condoms,
bars of soap.
Yes, yes. Absolutely.
Look, the prison economy runs on cigarettes.
They're involved in every economic
transaction at some stage.
From contract killings,
to naked woman picture acquisition.
That's why we've got shampoo at
6 batteries.
We've got tattoos at
5
Slocks at a steak and a muff bag.
- That's incredible.
How nervous are investors
at this point?
Well, it's hard to tell since
most of them have trained themselves,
to never show fear.
- Of course.
But really, there were a lot of jitters
across the market this morning,
after reports came
that the impending Chiva deal
between Rico Perez and
Bones Goreman was called off,
after Pigeon told Hacks
to put Bones on shit watch.
Now, for what it's really like
out there on the market,
let's check in with major cigarette trader,
Big Dap Ramirez.
Big Dap, nice to see you again.
- Thanks.
It's real good to see you.
What's happening Hal?
How's it going Big Dap?
Now, it's obviously a boom time time
for cigarettes, right now.
I'm getting a lot of handjobs.
But with prices this high, analysis shows
your gonna be seeing a drop off in real sales
as soon as consumers turn to
smoking grass ***
Look,
we've been through this before.
The market teaches us
not to panic.
To follow anything in this game,
is that a wife or girlfriend
will pass off a few decks
in a bone yard.
Supply will normalize.
And we'll see cigarettes returning
to a single handjob or less.
- Let's hope so.
You say Dap, on the interim, what are
investors, like yourself, supposed to do?
All I can say is,
monitor your assets carefully.
This morning, I got stabbed with a
sharpened toothbrush by this bitch Jango,
who tried to crib my supply.
I fucked him up bad in the library,
but hey, that's the way
the markets gonna be for awhile.
It is.
- Alright Big Dap, best of luck to you.
We'll keep checking in on the story
with Hal, throughout the day.
Thanks Rick.
Moving on to some happier news,
in Atlanta today,
two snitches
were beaten to death.
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