Tech savvy consumers are lining up
today to be the first to purchase
Sony's brand new stupid piece of shit
that doesn't do the
goddamn thing it's f#*king
supposed to.
Onion News Network Tech Trends
reporter, Jeff Tate has more.
Thanks, Brandon.
It's being called the biggest
f#*king waste of your hard earned
money to come along in years.
Sony's new stupid box thing
hit the shelves
at crowded malls and
overpriced electronic stores
around the country today.
It's got a whole bunch
more memory and megapixels
and what not, than any of the other
TV shit that I already have.
I can't wait to get home and
spend my whole f#*king night
trying to figure the
goddamn thing out.
If you can somehow claw
and bit your way
through the impossible
to open packaging,
this stupid piece of shit offers
the wide variety
of frustrating as hell
functions.
Including, flashing random f#*king words
and numbers on its display screen.
Not coming with the f#*king
little do hickey thing it's supposed to.
And being goddamned
ass backward as f#*k.
Sony spokesman Alan Compton said,
the company designed
this sucking, f#*king goddamn
thing to make everyone
in the modern home want to
tear their f#*king eyeballs out.
We listened hard to what our customers
said they wanted the most
out of their own home
entertainment system.
And then, we pumped out this
impossible to use fucking piece of shit.
Anyone mystified by the device's
numerous, extraneous features,
can scroll through the
interactive help menu.
A labyrinth themed maze of
indecipherable topics
of use to f#*king no one.
We want people to be
screaming in unison
from houses across the country,
work, work,
you c#*k sucking
piece of shit.
What is wrong with you?
Why can't you work like
a normal machine?
With a 1
nationwide campaign,
to plaster irritating
ass advertisements
for the retarded
hunk of garbage,
every single goddamn
place you look,
Sony is expecting it to
become the next f#*king gizmo
you absolutely have to
f#*king own
if you don't want to feel
like a toothless hillbilly
living in some hillbilly
shack somewhere.
I love bullshit like this.
Basically, I'll buy any goddamn thing
that I see in an add.
The f#*king piece of shit
is available now. - Fuck.
So, run out and pick one up,
and invite all of your friends over
to see if any of them
can figure out
this motherf#*king
time vampire. - F#*k.
Unless one of them is a rocket scientist,
Sony pretty much
guaran-f#*king-tees
they'll have no chance.
For the Onion New Network,
I'm Jeff Tate.
Thanks, Jeff. Sony says they
plan to release an upgraded
8
of this piece of shit
by the end of the year.
Just when you figured out the goddamn
remote control for this one.
It never ends, this shit.
STILL AHEAD THIS HOUR
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