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The Onion

I'm Julianna McKannis filling in for Clifford Banes who wants you to know that he's super sorry but he just couldn't make it in today due to a bunch of stuff that he'll tell you about later. A new study has found children who watch pornography are more likely to believe sex is exciting and enjoyable. Is pornography warping our youth's view of sex? Oh yes, absolutely. Kids that watch porn are being taught that sex is fun. That's depressing to me. I mean we expect pornographers to teach children about the reality of sex and to teach them that it's anything less than humiliating and frightening experience is wrong. It is, sex leaves you numb and shivering for days. And these are the kinds of things that our kids really need to know. Pornographers should be required to depict sex honestly. They should always show the actresses being lied to. Oh right that would be very educational. What they should do is have a man telling the woman that he likes her very much and that he'll see her at her best friends birthday party two days later. - Liar. A Shuttleworth Institute report found that 98% of porn movies actually show the actors having physically gratifying orgasms. I have never experienced that in my entire life. Of course not. -It's going to make kids think they're doing something wrong when they find themselves in a 3 to arouse their frigid partner and then they fall asleep with their hand in her vagina. Yeah but it's not just pornography that sends our kids the wrong messages about sex. Child psychologists say that video games like Grand Theft Auto make the process of picking up prostitutes seem easy. They're right, it doesn't teach kids that it's a nerve-racking necessity. Well and in that video game you can just bludgeon a prostitute with your gun. This is sending the message to kids that it is simple to kill a hooker and get rid of her body. And it's not, it's very very time-consuming. Of course it is. -You know the game also doesn't teach kids about the emotional side of murdering whores. That's right, it easily could. The games should have a mission where you have to avoid eye contact with your wife while you're having breakfast because you're just so wrapped with shame. It would be really helpful about the biggest misconception that kids are getting about sex is that it has anything at all to do with love. There is no love in the world. There is only pain. Right.