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The Onion

Children's Healthcare (shooting) Script: Kemmis Idea: Johnson This Draft: 2/21/08 (CLK) INT. NEWSROOM FOOTAGE: Kids in hospitals. ANCHOR While Congress debates how to provide health insurance for America's nine million uninsured children, a surprising study released today by the National Center for Policy Analysis finds the vast majority of children do not want health care. Joining us now is the study's director, Gerald Fisher. SPLIT-SCREEN: With the Director, Gerald Fisher. An older, white, conservative looking guy. ANCHOR (CONT'D) Tell us about this study, Mr. Fisher. DIRECTOR We surveyed over two-thousand children and found that across the board they were strongly opposed to doctors visits, vaccination programs and essentially every health care service some politicians are saying government coverage should provide. FOOTAGE: A kid getting a shot and crying. GRAPH: Pie graph showing children's answers to question: "Would you like to go to the doctor more?" 78% said, "NOO!" 15% "I hate you" and 7% refused to speak. FOOTAGE: A scared kid at the doctor. ANCHOR We're seeing those survey results here. You asked the simple question: "Would you like to go to the doctor more?" The majority of respondents shrieked "No." DIRECTOR "Leave me alone." "Don't make me go." They were extremely passionate on the issue. Many went as far as to say, "I hate the doctor. He's mean." ANCHOR Did they support any health coverage at all? DIRECTOR Only "rides in ambulances", but that number went down drastically if they were told they had to be sick or injured while in the ambulance, or couldn't ride with the siren on. ANCHOR Why do you think they feel so strongly? DIRECTOR Well, it's clear these children are worried that increased government funding for health insurance is a slippery slope to socialized health care. ANCHOR So this is a political issue for them? DIRECTOR And a moral one. When we asked them if they see universal health care as an unfair burden to certain taxpayers and would they like a lollipop, almost all children said "Yes." ANCHOR This obviously comes as a blow to politicians who have been calling for universal child health care coverage. FOOTAGE: Politicians who do that. DIRECTOR Yes. There's senators pushing 12 billion dollar packages and these kids are saying "Please no doctor, please." Look at Russ Feingold's proposed plan, for instance. It's is completely out of step with what its intended recipients actually want. GRAHIC: Pan down a list of what the plan would provide: Prevention, emergency services and for trauma, and care for on-going illnesses, as well as care for dental, vision, and mental health. A column beside it says "Wanted by children? NO, NO, NO, NO, NO." DIRECTOR (CONT'D) The senator wants coverage for inpatient surgical care, but ninety seven percent opposed that. Dental coverage: One-hundred percent opposition. Laboratory and radiological services: Eighty-one percent opposition, and nineteen percent not understanding of what those words meant. ANCHOR Now, there were calls for Feingold to step down just this morning, after the results of your study were released. DIRECTOR And we hope he does. His legislation would make children cry. That's terrible leadership. ANCHOR In opposition, a majority of senators are backing a bill that will cut all public funding for children's hospitals. It will close approximately nine-thousand of the outdated, unwanted facilities. FOOTAGE: Children's hospitals. FOOTAGE: Kids in hospitals looking really sick and in intensive care. ANCHOR (CONT'D) Children's hospitals around the country have already announced they will begin expelling patients as early as this week. DIRECTOR That's a real victory. It'll save taxpayer money, and children will be able to save up their allowances to buy medical care from the provider of their choice. ANCHOR Have you heard any response to this announcement, from the children themselves? DIRECTOR The kids are thrilled. They've been saying, "Goody! I want to go home. Unplug me. I want to go to grandmas or the movies." Basically, they'd rather be anywhere but in those hospitals. FOOTAGE: More really sick kids in hospitals ANCHOR And it looks like they're going to get their wish. That's great to hear. We're almost out of time, but what is next for your research team, Mr. Fisher? DIRECTOR Next week we'll be starting another survey of children, this one regarding the U.S. Education system. And after that, one on gun control. ANCHOR Fascinating stuff, and of course very important in shaping public policy. Mr. Fisher, best of luck. Moving on: ANCHOR (CONT'D) The government unveiled their new edible food stamp program today. GRAPHIC: Photo of the cracker-like food stamps. ANCHOR (CONT'D) A head of household will receive a 32 ounce package of food stamps for every dependent. THE END