Onion News Network

The Onion

TODAY NOW! It's green week on Today Now! And we're highlighting individuals and companies who are helping the environment. And one of those companies is Taco Bell. Starting this week, Taco Bell restaurants are going 1 Now, they're going to have the same menu items that you've come to know and love. But none of the ingredients are taken from nature. And that means zero environmental impact. So joining us now, live, is Paul Lancaster. Spokesman from Taco Bell. Hi Paul! Hello Jim, hello Tracy. Now Paul, nothing on Taco Bell's new menu uses anything that came from nature? Not a single ingredient. Starting this week, all of the ingredients that we use are going to be produced in labs by special Taco Bell food synthesizers. Wow! And it tastes the same as before, Paul? You can't even tell the difference. Oh, the lettuce looks so realistic. Now, how hard was it to make the leap into the eco-friendly menu? Well, at Taco Bell we have a long tradition of taking as little as possible from the natural world. -Right. Our ground beef, for example, has always been fairly eco-friendly. It's 85 percent gluten filler, 8 percent petroleum based grease flavoring, but it's always had 4 percent meat. From real livestock. - That's bad for the environment. Exactly right, but, with Taco Bell's new green initiative, we've actually been able to replace that 4 percent meat with a simple chemical adhesive. So you're not wasting food or water to feed the cattle. That's right. - And because you're using no natural ingredients whatsoever, anymore, I understand that you're able to add something that you're calling, "Super Green Supreme menu items" That you never would have been able to do before. Yes. At Taco Bell, Jim, we are changing the definition of food. Starting next month, we're introducing the Ultimate Grande Crunchador. Which is jam packed with chunks of an ingredient that has no equivalent in the natural world. - Wow! That does look filling. - We also have a new Chalupa. Yes! -Which removes the carbon dioxide and pollution from the air around it. So that it helps reduce global warming. Look at that! So we're eating at Taco Bell, we're cleaning the earth. Right's right. - Wow! What are these science guys going to think of next? -Amazing. Amazing! - In three years, we're planning to start melting down all of the lids, the straws, and the wrappers that the food comes in, and recycle it into new Taco Bell foods. You will actually be eating the garbage you produce. Isn't that something? That's quite an inspiration. - Yes! Paul thank you so much for joining us. Oh, my pleasure. Listen, don't go away because when we come back, we're going to show you how to save money by writing your own books. STILL AHEAD THIS HOUR... SAVE MONEY BY STROPPING YOUR DISPOSABLE RAZORS