LEAST INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE
Scirpt/Idea: Diane Bullock
RWs: Dan, Carol, Dan, Dan, WG&DM, DM
This Draft: v.8 (DM) 1-19
INT. ONION NEWS SET
Anchor Brandon Armstrong sits at the news desk.
BRANDON ARMSTRONG
Time Magazine released its annual
list of America's least influential
people on Monday.
GRAPHICS: ZOOM in on the front cover of Time Magazine.
Headline reads: THE LEAST INFLUENTIAL AMERICANS of 2007.
BRANDON ARMSTRONG (V.O.)(CONT'D)
A new face in the top ten thousand
was Jim Stutts of Fort Wayne,
Indiana.
GRAPHICS: ZOOM in on an interior page. Jim Stutts, No. 8,
with a picture of Stutts.
GRAPHICS: OTS: Photo of mid-'40s stout, balding, white man
BRANDON ARMSTRONG (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Stutts, a 47-year-old husband and
father of two, currently works as a
claims adjuster in suburban Fort
Wayne.
GRAPHICS: OTS: Exterior photo of AmeriState Insurance
storefront within a strip mall.
CUT TO:
INT. Ameristate Insurance.
CHYRON: Alan Brasnick, Jim's Boss
BOSS
He's a reliable employee.
(beat)
Doesn't take a lot of sick days.
**ALTERNATE:
Looking through papers:
BOSS (CONT'D)
Stutts... Stutts...
Long pause as he looks through papers.
BOSS (CONT'D)
Yes, he works here.
**ALTERNATE:
BOSS (CONT'D)
The Claims Adjusting industry is
filled with unremarkable people,
but Stutts is by far the least
notable I have ever met.
**ALTERNATE:
BOSS (CONT'D)
He's been working here... a number
of years. Fair attendance record,
I'd say. ... We're talking about
Stutts?
**
BRANDON ARMSTRONG (V.O.)
Friends praise Mr. Stutts, saying
he deserves his place on the list.
GRAPHICS: Over a PHOTO MONTAGE of JIM STUTTS, a TITLE: Alan
Bapp, Friend / On The Phone
ALAN (V.O.)
Jim is a good guy, yeah. He's kind
of quiet.
** ALTERNATE
ALAN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I've known Jim about 20 years.
We're pretty good friends. I tend
to make up my own mind about
things. Jim doesn't have a whole
lot of influence on me, I'd have to
say.
CUT TO:
EXT. STUTTS' HOME
B-ROLL: An unremarkable suburban home
BRANDON ARMSTRONG (V.O.)
Although many of America's claims
adjusters made the list again this
year, Stutts distinguished himself
by his total lack of influence in
his family life.
CUT TO:
INT. STUTTS' LIVING ROOM
CHYRON: Lizzy Stutts', Wife
WIFE
(Endearingly) He's not much of a
handyman. Always stays in on
weekends.
*ALTERNATE:
WIFE (CONT'D)
Sometimes he asks me to do things
for him, but I don't listen
anymore.
*ALTERNATE:
WIFE (CONT'D)
(affectionately)
I'm always trying to get him to
volunteer with me down at the
historical society, but Jim just
loves his TV shows.
*ALTERNATE:
WIFE (CONT'D)
He tools around with his model
planes on weekends. He's quiet as a
mouse. Sometimes I forget he's even
here.
*ALTERNATE:
WIFE (CONT'D)
We never argue. Just put him in
front of the TV and you can almost
forget he's here.
*ALTERNATE:
WIFE (CONT'D)
Hobbies? No.
(beat)
He likes sleeping.
*ALTERNATE:
WIFE (CONT'D)
Oh no, we're not a part of any
organizations or clubs. Jim's not
really much of a joiner.
**
CUT TO:
INT. STUTTS' LIVING ROOM
B-ROLL: Stutts' son sits on a couch playing a video game.
BRANDON ARMSTRONG (V.O.)
Stutts' lack of influence may be
genetic. His son already shows
signs of carrying on his father's
legacy.
CUT TO:
Interview with Ryan.
CHYRON: Ryan Stutts', Son
SON
I'm thinking about taking some
business communications classes at
a community college.
**ALTERNATE:
SON (CONT'D)
I guess some of my goals would
be... (Beat. He takes a sip of
soda.)
**
BRANDON ARMSTRONG (V.O.)
Stutts' lack of influence extends
to even the most minute levels of
his life, from household
appliances...
B-ROLL FOOTAGE: A microwave blinking 12:00, 12:00, 12:00.
BRANDON ARMSTRONG (V.O.) (CONT'D)
...to his personal appearance.
B-ROLL FOOTAGE: Shot of a laundry hamper. A Looney Toons t
shirt and sweat pants hang out prominently.
** ALTERNATE
SECTION:
FOOTAGE: Large crowds of people bustling along a city
street.
FOOTAGE: Time-lapse photography of day turning to night
turning to day turning to night.
BRANDON ARMSTRONG (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Stutts' entire existence, from his
unremarkable birth to his
undoubtedly quickly-forgotten
death, is nearly certain to make no
discernible mark on the vast march
of human history.
**
CUT TO:
B-ROLL: A kitchen cupboard filled with sugary cereal.
BRANDON ARMSTRONG (V.O.)(CONT'D)
Stutts' position on the Least
Influential list rose 25 points
recently when he lost a debate with
his children over what brand of
breakfast cereal to purchase.
*ALTERNATE:
B-ROLL: A tacky-looking old minivan.
BRANDON ARMSTRONG (CONT'D)
Jim's position on the list rose 25
points last night when he lost a
debate with his children over what
radio station to listen to as he
drove them to soccer practice.
**
CUT TO:
INT. ONION NEWS STUDIO
BRANDON ARMSTRONG
Joining us now to tell us more
about the Least Influential list is
Time Magazine's Features editor
Eric Mullay.
SPLIT SCREEN: A clean-cut Time Magazine spokesman appears.
BRANDON ARMSTRONG (CONT'D)
Mr. Mullay, putting this list
together must have been quite a
challenge.
TIME SPOKESMAN
Yes, Brandon, there are a lot of
completely average Americans out
there, Brandon, but when it comes
to putting together the list, guys
like Jim Stutts really stand out as
having gone above and beyond the
standard for bland, utter
meaninglessness.
BRANDON ARMSTRONG
What is it that makes him less
influential than, say, the little
dark-skinned boy who brings me my
danish every morning?
TIME SPOKESMAN
Our panel uses a simple set of
criteria to determine a candidate's
ranking. How much do people worry
about what the candidate thinks of
them, for example.
If it's less than how much they
worry about what a celebrity
they'll never meet might think of
them, then the candidate gets a
point. And so forth.
BRANDON ARMSTRONG
Now, we have heard that there was
some controversy about who would
get the number nine thousand six
hundred and four spot, which
ultimately went to Jim Stutts.
TIME SPOKESMAN
Well, the competition is always
greatest within the list's top ten
thousand, so we have to be extra
careful with those entries.
Patricia Clarkson, from Council
Bluffs, Iowa...
GRAPHICS: ZOOM in on a photo of a sad, dumpy-looking woman.
TIME SPOKESMAN (CONT'D)
...was originally slated as our
ninety six oh four, but a second
investigation found that she has a
labrador who sometimes listens to
her. So Stutts beat her out.
BRANDON ARMSTRONG
Glad you caught the error. Mr.
Murray thank you for joining us.
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