Traffic Problems Solved By Honking
Script: Peter Koechley & Sam West. Idea: Dan Mirk
This Draft: CLK 1-15 - SD 1-17
INT. ONION NEWS STUDIO
FOOTAGE: Clogged TRAFFIC.
ANCHOR
Traffic is a real problem for many
commuters. But a study from the
Department of Transportation offers
a simple solution.
GRAPHICS: Zoom in on official-looking government document.
Words "Honk horn" are highlighted.
ANCHOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
In the report, experts site one
surefire way to eliminate the
traffic in front of you: honking
your horn. Repeatedly and at
length.
GRAPHICS: Sound waves emanate from the car and through the
air. Other cars ahead move to the side to let that car
through.
ANCHOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Here's how it works. A motorist
trapped in dense traffic honks his
horn to alert other drivers that
someone needs to get through. The
cars blocking the way move to the
right or left, clearing a path for
the no longer obstructed car to
pass through.
CUT TO:
EXT. GOVERNMENT BUILDING
A press conference.
TRANS DEPT SPOKESMAN
Most traffic problems are caused by
poor communication between drivers,
many who do not realize that there
are other cars behind them.
* ALTERNATE
TRANS DEPT SPOKESMAN (CONT'D)
Honking is an excellent means of
communication between drivers. It
can be very useful to say, "please
move aside so that I may pass."
GRAPHIC: Simple animated graphic demonstrates the sound waves
hit other motorists' ears. They turn their steering wheel.
ANCHOR (V.O.)
Honking is so simple, nearly anyone
can do it. The sound waves emanate
from your horn to other drivers in
front of you, who receive the
auditory message almost
instantaneously.
CUT TO:
B-ROLL: A billboard along the highway reads "Stuck in
traffic? Just honk!"
ANCHOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
To get the message out, the
Transportation Departments launched
a nationwide ad campaign this week.
There's one of the signs, there.
CUT TO:
INT. ONION NEWS STUDIO
ANCHOR
The agency expects honking could
eliminate roughly 90 percent of
traffic problems. The remaining 10
percent could be solved by some
combination of swearing and fist
shaking.
* ALTERNATE:
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
The agency says it expects honking
to be so effective that horns may
soon replace turn signals and
headlights on most cars.
* ALTERNATE:
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
The agency says honking is so
effective that it may soon replace
traffic lights and all road signs.
* ALTERNATE:
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
The agency says that though honking
appears to be effective in clearing
traffic, an additional three
billion dollars in taxes will be
needed to complete their study.
* ALTERNATE:
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
The agency says that among test
groups, honking was most effective
when stuck behind blind fucking
idiot asshole drivers.
* ALTERNATE:
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
The agency warned that although
honking is effective, it may not be
appropriate in all situations. If
one sees a distracted driver about
to hit a pedestrian, for instance,
they are urged to remain quiet to
allow the distracted driver to
regain his focus.
* ALTERNATE:
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
The agency suggested that in
addition to honking, drivers could
also help increase communication by
calling each other on their cell
phones.
* ALTERNATE:
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
The agency says that for a honk to
be most effective it should be
issued as a long, unbroken blast
lasting until the offending driver
takes notice and moves aside.
* ALTERNATE:
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
The agency says it next plans to
study the positive effects of
tailgaiting while flashing ones'
high-beams.
* ALTERNATE:
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
The agency has already pushed
forward a law requiring all US
drivers to honk at least 60% more,
particularly those in residential
areas where traffic problems are
often worst.
* ALTERNATE:
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
The agency says its study on the
effect of laying on the horn
throughout the duration of driving
through a tunnel is still
inconclusive.
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