Onion News Network

The Onion

With the national debt climbing to an estimated 11 trillion dollars the White House announced an emergency economic plan today, trading the national gold reserves for cash through precious metal buyers Cash4Gold.com. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner devised the measure after viewing this television commerical for the cash for gold program last week. I got 583 dollars from Cash4Gold.com. All I did was go look through my drawer-full of jewelry I never wear. At a press conference this morning Treasury spokesman Ronald Schuler outlined what he called a fast solution to the nation's money woes. As you know we have these very large debts and the fact is the gold reserves are just sitting there. Why not turn them into cash? This woman turned in her wedding ring from her first marriage and got money the next day. If it worked for her it can work for the United States. Joining us now is Deputy Treasury Secretary Edward Kuehnel, good to see you Mr. Kuehnel. -Hi Andrea, how are you? First how much does the federal government expect to receive in exchange for all the gold? Well our estimate is 2 however the Cash4Gold website features a lot of testimonials from people whose gold was worth much more than they thought so there's a possibility that we'll get much more. Now lawmakers on both sides of the aisle expressed concerns about the plan today. Well we do understand, we do understand their reluctance but the fact is they want to keep the gold for sentimental reasons, or because they think it's pretty but that's a luxury we just can't afford right now. Ok what about Republican Minority Leader John Baynor's statement that the treasury department should have looked into competing cash companies like Dollars4Gold.com and GoldLine.com? Yes, yeah, I know, I've heard all of that. The reality is that we have over a trillion dollars in economic stimulus package to pay for... -Well we do. We just need that cash now, we can't wait. -Ok I see, but don't you... Look, look, I agree and the President agrees that this seems like a pretty good deal. But is there a contingency plan if that proves not to be the case? Well yes, of course there is. We can get the gold back with the Cash4Gold 12 day guarantee. -But what about the other... They're certified by the Jewelers Vigilance Committee, It says so right on the website. Ok I understand the cash received from the Cash4Gold.com plan is going to be supplemented by funding from the selling of White House furniture on Craigslist.org. That is correct. We've already sold a giant military map that we don't use very often and we sold a couch. We've made over 18 from that economic plan so far. Well thanks for being with us in the Shelter Mr. Kuehnel. No thank you very much. -Moving on, residents of the Bronx are decrying the lack of gentrification in their neighborhood.