via @TheOnion - U.S. To Trade Gold Reserves For Cash Through Cash4Gold.com
With the national debt climbing
to an estimated 11 trillion dollars
the White House announced
an emergency economic plan today,
trading the national
gold reserves for cash
through precious metal buyers
Cash4Gold.com.
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner
devised the measure
after viewing
this television commerical
for the cash for gold program
last week.
I got 583 dollars
from Cash4Gold.com.
All I did was go look through my
drawer-full of jewelry I never wear.
At a press conference this morning
Treasury spokesman Ronald Schuler
outlined what he called a fast solution
to the nation's money woes.
As you know we have
these very large debts
and the fact is the gold reserves
are just sitting there.
Why not turn them into cash?
This woman turned in her wedding ring
from her first marriage
and got money the next day.
If it worked for her
it can work for the United States.
Joining us now is Deputy
Treasury Secretary Edward Kuehnel,
good to see you Mr. Kuehnel.
-Hi Andrea, how are you?
First how much
does the federal government
expect to receive
in exchange for all the gold?
Well our estimate
is 2
however the Cash4Gold website
features a lot of testimonials
from people whose gold was worth
much more than they thought
so there's a possibility
that we'll get much more.
Now lawmakers
on both sides of the aisle
expressed concerns
about the plan today.
Well we do understand,
we do understand their reluctance
but the fact is they want to keep
the gold for sentimental reasons,
or because
they think it's pretty
but that's a luxury
we just can't afford right now.
Ok what about Republican
Minority Leader John Baynor's statement
that the treasury department
should have looked into
competing cash companies like
Dollars4Gold.com and GoldLine.com?
Yes, yeah, I know,
I've heard all of that.
The reality is that we have
over a trillion dollars
in economic stimulus package
to pay for... -Well we do.
We just need that cash now, we can't wait.
-Ok I see, but don't you...
Look, look, I agree
and the President agrees
that this seems
like a pretty good deal.
But is there a contingency plan
if that proves not to be the case?
Well yes, of course there is.
We can get the gold back
with the Cash4Gold 12 day guarantee.
-But what about the other...
They're certified by the
Jewelers Vigilance Committee,
It says so
right on the website.
Ok I understand the cash received
from the Cash4Gold.com plan
is going to be supplemented
by funding from the selling
of White House furniture
on Craigslist.org.
That is correct. We've already sold
a giant military map
that we don't use very often
and we sold a couch.
We've made over 18
from that economic plan so far.
Well thanks for being with us
in the Shelter Mr. Kuehnel.
No thank you very much.
-Moving on, residents of the Bronx
are decrying the lack of
gentrification in their neighborhood.
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