The Onion

The 2000 Elections

January 29, 1997 | Issue 31•03

In the wake of President Clinton's second inauguration, talk has already begun to turn toward the Presidential Election of 2000. What do you think of the '00 Vote?

Guy With Sunglasses

Michael Offerman,
Electrician
"Who will lead the forces of Planet Earth in the coming Space Galaxy Wars of 2002? The answer is obvious: Lord Gore-Tron of the AstroForce!"

Girl With Glasses

Sandy Broward,
Teacher
"I don't know who'll win in 2000, but in this special classroom, we believe that everyone's a winner."

Wimpy Guy

Charles Tingley,
Systems Analyst
"It's definitely not too early to start discussing the 2000 elections. Now, if you'll please excuse me, I have a lunch date in 22 months."

Minority Guy

Geoffrey Halloran,
Pilot
"We can talk and talk about who should be president, but I say we should just settle it with some kind of vote."

Blonde Girl

Sharon Jenner,
Orthopedic Surgeon
"Who's the governor of Arkansas right now? Because with the way the last two elections have gone, I think I see a trend."

Other Guy

Ed Lefkowitz,
Graphic Designer
"Prophecy says that in 2000, a beast shall come forth from the sea and its countenance shall be foul as that of dragons and upon its brow shall be the name of blasphemy. I'm voting for that fuckin' bad boy."

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