I'll Have A Big Slice Of Humble Pie, Please!

POSTED BY: Kendra Davidson, Owner of The Davidson Family Restaurant in Cedar Rapids, IA

Sep 25, 2008, 11:55 am

Oops. I got a little carried away there. Don't know how to remove posts or else I would. I'm sorry. It's just that I get so emotional about politics. What this election is really about is getting this country back on track. And both John McCain and Barack Obama understand that they need Iowa to win the White House and implement their respective visions for change. I know McCain's got a plan to cut the pay of CEOs from those bailed-out investment firms, for instance. Cutting those bloated salaries and fighting corporate greed is really the sort of thing that appeals to the hardworking people of Cedar Rapids!

Cedar Rapids residents like Tip-Top Diner owner Lauretta Kimble. I'm sure McCain's and Obama's platforms really appealed to her. And she's just a super lady to canvass, by the way, considering she's familiar with pretty much every cock in the fine city of Cedar Rapids. Great pick Mr. Obama and Mr. McCain, going with Lauretta and the Tip-Top. Way to get your message out to the vital two-bit-fucking-whores-who-serve-Bisquick-pancakes-and-three-day-old-potato-soup voting bloc instead of the nice families who come to Davidson's to enjoy a hot meal with no frills.

You know what McCain and Obama? Fuck the both of you. Maybe Ralph Nader knows the right place to go for a nice loose-meat sandwich when he's in fucking Cedar Rapids. You both should fucking die.

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Sarah Palin Is Electric!

POSTED BY: Dac Kien, Retired Vietcong Torturer

Sep 25, 2008, 11:53 am

Boy, Sarah Palin has really energized the campaign of the senator John McCain hasn't she? There's this electricity about him that I haven't seen in decades, maybe even not since the last time I clamped jumper cables to his scrotum and ran 5,000 volts through his scrawny American balls.

Yes. Sarah Palin is that exciting!

What a great thing for Mr. McCain. To think of all he's been through to get where he's at today, how he's risen from the fetal position, quivering and crying in a pile of his own feces, to be this close to the White House. You will make America proud John, so proud! Just don't let the American people see what a huge pussy you are when it comes to being slapped in the face with turpentine-soaked rags for ours on end, and you'll make them proud.

Ha, ha, ha, pussy!

I do think that Sarah Palin might be a bit of a liability, to be honest. Did you see her with Charlie Gibson the other day? When he asked her about the "Bush Doctrine?" She looked like she'd just had sap put up her anus and filled with two-dozen Vietnamese red pincher ants. It is good that she's telegenic, though. Unlike John McCain who, if I recall, is covered in deep blue mallet-shaped bruises all up and down the left side of his body, with a massively swollen eye, and more than a few broken teeth. Right John?

CHARLIE IN THE TREELINE! GET DOWN! CHARLIE IN THE MOTHERFUCKING TREELINE! DOWN, DOWN, GET THE FUCK DOWN NOW!

Just kidding! Oh, John McCain, I miss torturing you.

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I Know Exactly How Sarah Palin Feels

POSTED BY: Carla Freeman, Junior Class President

Sep 25, 2008, 11:52 am

It seems like there is a new scandal all the time about Sarah Palin. One time I saw she was firing her ex-brother-in-law from the Alaska state police, then I heard she was banning books at her town's library, and then there was that thing about charging her state travel expenses for nights she spent at home, and then her e-mail and whatever.

As a former candidate for office myself I've definitely been there. Derek Telerico, my NOW EX-boyfriend did the same exact thing to me when I was running for junior class president earlier this month. It's super annoying.

First he tells me he that he wants to go see a movie with a bunch of people and one of those people is Gretchen Vanderkamp, and he knows that I've hated her since National Art Honor Society last year, and I tell him I don't want him to go because I have a stomach ache, and he tells me "not to be so dramatic," and I tell him just forget it, and he says "why," and I say forget it, it doesn't matter, anyway, and then he GOES ANYWAY!

It's just the same kind of thing the male-dominated media is doing to Sarah Palin right now about her quote-unquote lack of experience, right Sarah?

And even before that, I was campaigning in the commons before school, and I told Derek Telerico (my, as I said EX-BOYFRIEND) not to take a picture of me for my campaign posters until right then because I just came back from marching band practice and was all sweaty. And I know I don't have to tell any of you familiar with Sarah Palin's vice-presidential candidacy that DEREK DID IT ANYWAY, and there I was, nasty from marching band practice, all over the school.

Now Derek has been NO HELP to me, his GIRLFRIEND, this entire election, and then I'm at Amanda Gallagher's birthday / my campaign victory party at Scott Hendrickson's house, and everyone tells me to give a speech, and I do, and where's Derek? Oh no, he wasn't downstairs to see it. Then what happens? Sarah Palin knows, I can tell you that! I go upstairs, and there's Derek, totally making out with that tramp Gretchen Vandercamp on Scott's sister's stupid bed! God, I know just how Sarah Palin feels!

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Obama & McCain Have A "Tip-Top" Time In Cedar Rapids

POSTED BY: Kendra Davidson, Owner of The Davidson Family Restaurant in Cedar Rapids, IA

Sep 25, 2008, 11:50 am

After Bush's proposal for the $700 billion financial bailout, our two candidates have been weighing in on the future of our economy. And because Iowa is once again an important swing state, both candidates have recently been through Cedar Rapids, stopping in at local businesses to try and get the perspective of common citizens on America's financial crisis.

And both of them, God only knows why, stopped at the Tip-Top Diner to glad-hand voters instead of Davidson's Family Restaurant.

Not that where they stopped for lunch matters. Not at all. No, what really matters the most are the issues, and what the two candidates can do for the great state of Iowa and its people. Not to say that I wouldn't have loved to chat with Barack Obama about his universal healthcare plan over some nice corned beef hash, or pick John McCain's brain about his energy policy while he sipped some freshly brewed famous Davidson's coffee—bottomless cups from 7 till noon, by the way.

I understand they were busy getting their message out about rules for the investment firms following the bailout—especially Obama with his 4-point plan to regulate the industry. Still, it would have been nice to sit down and ask them about the issues that are important to us Iowans right here in Iowa.

Or maybe ask them what in blue blazes I'm supposed to do with 250 specially made "McCainwiches," or who in hell is going to buy the 32-ounce Obama-Rama Root Beer Slammer when neither of those assholes ever even set foot in the place. Those are a couple of fucking issues I'd personally like to hear their stances on, because I look like a goddamn fool with this giant goddamn "Welcome Mr. President!!!" banner hanging here.

Fucking pricks. I hope you both fucking die.

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Introducing The Onion's Political Blog Team

POSTED BY: Oliver Thayer, Web & Politics Editor

Sep 25, 2008, 11:40 am

Hi, I'm Oliver Thayer, Web and Politics Editor for the Onion!

During the political conventions, we dispatched our editorial cartoonist with nothing but a digital camera, outdated laptop and limited oversight. He sent back short observations throughout the day, and with little to no editing, we published these pieces on our website. This timely, unedited, and completely off-the-cuff format is known as a blog.

Until very recently, it wasn't certain that blogging would catch on. But after carefully observing the Internet over the past several weeks, we've determined that they are here to stay, and could potentially influence the mainstream media. Some day, blogs might even be opened up to readers to post their own reactions and thoughts, creating a free-flowing marketplace of ideas in cyberspace! But until then, we have decided to harness the potential of the blog medium to provide insight and analysis during this election season, and we've assembled a top-notch group of bloggers to do it. They are:

Kendra Davidson, Owner of The Davidson Family Restaurant in Cedar Rapids, Iowa

Kendra has poured coffee for every major presidential candidate of the last 16 years, except Barack Obama and John McCain, who apparently couldn't be bothered.

Carla Freeman, Junior Class President

Carla Freeman was recently elected president of the North Forke High School Class of 2010 in Pleasant Valley, Missouri. She providers an insider's perspective on what it takes to run a campaign.

Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

The Onion's editorial cartoonist, Kelly, used his 35 years of experience to offer an inside look at the most important events of the political party conventions.

Dac Kien, Retired Vietcong Torturer

Dac spent 12 years fighting for the Vietcong to unify his country. For five of those years, he tortured John McCain and developed a deep and intimate view of the Republican nominee in the process.

Don DeLillo, Master of Postmodern Literature

Don DeLillo is considered one of America's greatest living novelists. His works explore themes of consumerism, alienation, and decontextualization, and include such towering postmodernist classics as White Noise, Mao II, and Underworld.

Gary Brunson, 4-Week-Old Fetus

Gary is a member of the Young America's Foundation and an outspoken critic of liberal politics.

Peter Martling, Hungover Blogger

Peter has covered politics from Washington, D.C. for 15 years. He keeps three items in his desk drawer: a pocket-sized copy of the U.S. Constitution, his first reporter's notebook and a bottle of Maker's Mark.

Sam Holtzman, Single Issue Voter

Sam works for the Davis, California Department of Transportation. He lives with his dog, Hunter.

Pip Dawkins, 19th Century Street Urchin

Pip was orphaned at age three when his parents died of cholera. He resides at the Bethnal Green Workhouse in London, and is ever so excited for this year's election in America.

T. Herman Zweibel, Onion Publisher Emeritus

Zweibel penned his first Onion editorial in 1880 and is considered "The Father of American Journalism." He spends his time financing the latest military conflicts and manipulating information for the purpose of profit-making.

Oliver Thayer, Web & Politics Editor

A recent graduate of Yale University, Oliver Thayer is the Onion's Web & Politics editor. He has more than four and a half months of experience, and is thrilled to be spearheading the Onion's election coverage.

I'll chime in regularly with reflections on the news industry, our own blogging efforts, and the election. Political blogging is the future of political reporting, and I'm proud to lead this time traveling expedition.

I honestly believe there's never been a better time to work for a newspaper.

Blogoriphically Yours,

Oliver Thayer

Web & Politics Editor, The Onion

- sent from my iPhone 3G

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Onion Publisher Emeritus Introduces The Onion's Election 'Blog'

POSTED BY: T. Herman Zweibel, Onion Publisher Emeritus

Sep 25, 2008, 11:33 am

It has been brought to my attention that, during the course of this year's uniquely American shadow-puppet interpretation of the democratic process, the Onion will be taking the sickeningly egalitarian step of allowing common citizens—some as unlikely as a foetus, a woman, and a writer—to publish their experiences and impressions under our goddamned masthead. It irks me to the centre of my being, but do not be concerned or inspired by this unusually democratic move on our part!

The simple explanation is that we have recently become aware of the "blog community," or "blogozone," a collection of ordinary everyday people who think their opinions deserve a global audience despite being ordinary everyday people.

While it is true they are insipid, intolerably short-sighted, and unremarkable in every conceivable way, we have been made to see that this is, somehow, their very appeal to our readers, who enjoy having a dim mirror held before them much more than they enjoy a window on the world—not that their fetid, ragged breath would fog either one.

Also, these "bloggers" work for free, eliminating from our budget the next-to-nothing we are forced to pay trained professionals. So it is our passing wish that you enjoy, or at least spend some hours a day on, the Onion's Election Blog, especially those of you under the employ of our competitors.

Everyone else, get back to work.

Visit The T. Herman Zweibel Memorial Historical Archive

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RNC Coverage: Morning In America

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Sep 05, 2008, 3:45 pm

Good Morning, My Fellow Americans.

I come to you today from the City of Twins, St. Paul. We've all been through a lot in the past two weeks, none more than me. I've endured great pain, boredom, frustration. But I haven't complained once.

My editors phoned me this morning, here in my very own "Hanoi Hilton on the Mississippi." They asked if I wanted them to move up my flight time as I had requested in my early missive. Although I would benefit personally from such a move, I said no. I could not "Jump In Line" ahead of my countrymen also dying to leave this Torturous Timberland.

As I stare into the smudgey Motel room mirror, I see the red scars left from my combat on the streets in front of McDonalds. The Pepper Spray wounds no Visine could erase.

I also see the scars that are unseen, the scars inside that I will have to carry with me for the rest of my days. The inner tears I hold for cows that gave their lives for Big Macs that would never be eaten.

Looking into the mirror I also see a man who is older, wiser. I've grown these past two weeks. Grown in ways you could not understand without having experienced it yourself. That doesn't make me better than you, just more worldly. But don't worry, young ones, your days will come soon enough...

I'm proud to have had the chance to teach the people how it works out here in the "Real World."† Immersed in your own lives, Television programs and who-knows-what, you can't know the feeling of being an arm's length from Power, Fame, and The Things That Matter.

Whether Barracks Obama's Hopeful Message of Audacity or John McCain's Inspiring Tale of Crashing His Plane in the Jungles of Vietnam, this is where the action is—alas, where you are not.

I ask nothing in return for my sacrifice. But behold this gift of grace, surely a reward from our Devine Father:

 

This VHS copy of "An American President" was meant for me, meant for my cherished VHS Library. While stumbling home in pain, hunched over and weeping like a child, I was somehow able to see through my wall of tears this—this Godsend—waiting for me on the side of the street. There was a large black Hefty bag which† had been ripped open by perhaps a homeless person or a wild Minnesota Badger. Or maybe it was a Higher Power that ripped open that Hefty bag, allowing some of it's contents to spill out onto the sidewalk.

Although the cover was partially covered by old chicken bones, banana peel, and a crumpled Kleenex, I immediately spotted the sheen of Stone-Romancer Michael Douglas's mane and swept down to rescue the tape from the pile of refuse.

This election is perhaps the Most Critical Election in our lifetimes. That's not something we say every four years, either: right now is make or break for the U S of A. To whom will you turn?

Personally, I'm not interested in a Democratic President or a Republican President. I'm interested in "An American President." I've got a few hours before I need to leave for the airport, and I intend to use them right here with the VCR in my room.

As the curtain fades on the American Political Conventions of 2008, let me just add that I still believe in the Shining City of Twins on the Hill. And that city is America.

Thank you and God Bless.

Signing off,

Kelly

See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here

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RNC Coverage: SOS

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Sep 05, 2008, 3:25 pm

Was hit with "Pepper Spray" by Police! Burned my eyes out! Can't wait to leave this sewer of a town, the town of Republicans! Editors, if you are out there reading this, please change my flight—I need emergency evacuation! Have been pouring water on my face for hours. It burns!

Was nearly through the crowd and at the door to the McDonalds when I was suddenly showered with burning chemical agent. No one was there for me … I was abandoned by my Country, after all I had done for it in the name of Freedom.

I now know what it feels like for our wounded veterans to come home and be ignored and neglected. I didn't even make it past the golden arches for a 99 cents meal. All that value… lost.

How I wish there was a helicopter that could swoop down and airlift me off the roof of this Flea Bag Motel just like those lucky ones in Saigon in '75. I can't get out – CAN'T GET OUT!

Editors, LISTEN TO ME! GET ME OUT OF HERE!

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