War For The White House Blog
About This Blogger
Carla was recently elected president of the North Forke High School Class of 2010 in Pleasant Valley, Missouri. She provides an insider's perspective on what it takes to run a campaign. See her posts from the beginning, or return to the main blog.
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Here's How You Win An Election, Mr. McCain
POSTED BY: Carla Freeman, Junior Class President
Nov 03, 2008, 12:00 pm
Oh no! It looks like John McCain's in a lot of trouble, and the election is only a few days away. That shouldn't be too much of a problem, though, because my entire campaign this year was only a few days long, and I won. Mr. McCain seems like a nice man, a lot like that old guy who mops up the cafeteria after-school, so I'll help him out with some campaign advice that worked for me!
1. TIME FOR A NEW HAIRSTYLE!
There's no better way to completely change the nature of an election in a jiffy than to do something new with your hair. A new hairstyle will put your opponent on the defensive immediately. I mean, why didn't the other candidate change her hair? Does she not care about her hair? Is she old and out of touch? These are the things people will think. Make sure you go to a big-city salon though, like the one they have in Kansas City, because NOTHING will sink an election faster than a botched haircut.
2. CARRY A BABY AROUND!
This worked really well when I was running this year. One day Hannah Becker stopped by school to say hi to everyone and show off her new baby, Willa. I picked Willa up and walked around a little with her, and all of a sudden, lots of people came up to see me. If you carry a baby around all the time, you'll always have the PERFECT excuse to tell people your campaign message. Also, Mr. McCain, the baby will make you seem cuter.
3. GET IN A CAR ACCIDENT!
Last year, nobody was going to vote for Andrea Dixon for senior class president, but then she and her boyfriend Greg Dolan got in a car accident on the way back from their shift at Applebee's. After that, EVERYONE voted for her because Greg was in the hospital for weeks. She didn't even have to do anything to win, except go to a couple funerals.
And more than anything, Mr. McCain, if you see a big group of people gathered, GO TALK TO THEM! It's the best way to get your message out, just make sure you ask the teacher or coach or whoever is in charge of them first.
Send comments to politics@theonion.com.
Barack Obama's And Manuela Fonetcilla's Race Problem Or Whatever Her Problem Is
POSTED BY: Carla Freeman, Junior Class President
Oct 14, 2008, 3:00 pm
Sorry it's been awhile, guys, but that Media Studies project took FOREVER because my partner, Faith Napier, didn't do ANYTHING at all, and I had to make that commercial all by myself. UGGH. Here's some advice for the candidates: If your running mate dies or drops out, don't pick Faith Napier!
Anyway, I was going to write about Barack Obama and the big race issue for this post, and I had it all planned out: I was going to go ask Manuela Fonetcilla, the exchange student from Chile, what is was like to not be white and run for secretary of SADD, so I would know what Barack Obama is going through. And so I go up and ask, but she goes, "I don't want to be in your stupid thing." WHAT? EFF HER. Everybody at school but her would LOVE to be on my blog. I don't know what her problem is. Maybe she's still mad that I volunteered her to make Chilean food for the Foods Across the Globe event at parent-teacher conferences last month without asking her, but if she is, that's really retarded. If I knew how to make Chilean food, I would make it all the time for people.
Judging from Manuela, this is what it's like for Barack Obama to run for president when he's black: He always smells like pepper, he never eats anything at lunch because he's probably anorexic, and he's given head to that ugly-ass Josh West who's a member of his host family.
Send comments to politics@theonion.com.
POSTED BY: Carla Freeman, Junior Class President
Sep 25, 2008, 4:02 pm
Why do our elections always have to be like this in America? I am so sick of the media being run by a bunch of boys. I don't know what their problem is with WOMEN who run for executive office, but they're such assholes! All Sarah Palin ever wanted to do was become the second most powerful person in the world without having sweaty pictures of her on her campaign posters and her boyfriend messing around with other girls or whatever, but noooo, not in this country.
As I've learned, the most important thing for Sarah Palin to remember right now is that she's cute and popular. Trust me, that will get you through any trouble, especially a PIECE OF SHIT BOYFRIEND LIKE DEREK TELERICO.
Next time, after I'm done with my Media Arts project, I'll be giving a little bit of an inside look at what it's like to be Barack Obama running for president in this racist nation!
Send comments to politics@theonion.com.
I Know Exactly How Sarah Palin Feels
POSTED BY: Carla Freeman, Junior Class President
Sep 25, 2008, 11:52 am
It seems like there is a new scandal all the time about Sarah Palin. One time I saw she was firing her ex-brother-in-law from the Alaska state police, then I heard she was banning books at her town's library, and then there was that thing about charging her state travel expenses for nights she spent at home, and then her e-mail and whatever.
As a former candidate for office myself I've definitely been there. Derek Telerico, my NOW EX-boyfriend did the same exact thing to me when I was running for junior class president earlier this month. It's super annoying.
First he tells me he that he wants to go see a movie with a bunch of people and one of those people is Gretchen Vanderkamp, and he knows that I've hated her since National Art Honor Society last year, and I tell him I don't want him to go because I have a stomach ache, and he tells me "not to be so dramatic," and I tell him just forget it, and he says "why," and I say forget it, it doesn't matter, anyway, and then he GOES ANYWAY!
It's just the same kind of thing the male-dominated media is doing to Sarah Palin right now about her quote-unquote lack of experience, right Sarah?
And even before that, I was campaigning in the commons before school, and I told Derek Telerico (my, as I said EX-BOYFRIEND) not to take a picture of me for my campaign posters until right then because I just came back from marching band practice and was all sweaty. And I know I don't have to tell any of you familiar with Sarah Palin's vice-presidential candidacy that DEREK DID IT ANYWAY, and there I was, nasty from marching band practice, all over the school.
Now Derek has been NO HELP to me, his GIRLFRIEND, this entire election, and then I'm at Amanda Gallagher's birthday / my campaign victory party at Scott Hendrickson's house, and everyone tells me to give a speech, and I do, and where's Derek? Oh no, he wasn't downstairs to see it. Then what happens? Sarah Palin knows, I can tell you that! I go upstairs, and there's Derek, totally making out with that tramp Gretchen Vandercamp on Scott's sister's stupid bed! God, I know just how Sarah Palin feels!
Send comments to politics@theonion.com.
