War For The White House Blog
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Dac spent 12 years fighting for the Vietcong to unify his country. For five of those years, he tortured John McCain and developed a deep and intimate view of the Republican nominee in the process. Read his posts from the beginning, or return to the main blog.
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Mayday! Mayday! McCain Is Going Down!
POSTED BY: Dac Kien, Retired Vietcong Torturer
Oct 15, 2008, 6:08 pm
The election is heating up! As readers of this blog know, even though I do not live in America, I have been following the race pretty closely, and am rooting for my dear old friend John McCain. If he wins, I will be the most popular former torturer in all of Vietnam!
I have been watching old Johnny give his big political speeches, just like the ones he used to give to me, except without so much of the begging and the weeping and the screaming for help. I have to say, Johnny boy, I liked your old speeches better! Ha ha.
Still, you have to admire the man. After all, he was a brilliant fighter pilot, right? At least, that's what I always thought, back when I used to pass the time by seeing how long old Johnny could hold his breath for. But then, just yesterday, I saw this.
According to his Air Force flight record, apparently my pal Johnny was something of a "Betsy butterfingers" when it came to flying jets. His flight commanders even gave him the sarcastic nickname "Ace McCain" because he crashed so many times!
Maybe one too many times for your own good. Isn't that right, you big pussy? Ha ha.
I'm just kidding you, John McCain! I know those reports are only lies spread by your country's Liberal Mainstream Media! They just don't want to see a former captive of the Viet Cong make good!
Hang in there, Ace! You can still win this!
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The Suspense! It's Killing Me!!
POSTED BY: Dac Kien, Retired Vietcong Torturer
Oct 10, 2008, 6:15 pm
Well, well, my old friend John McCain, the election is only weeks away and I for one can barely stand the suspense! I am on the edge of my seat—not unlike how you used to be when I forced you into that special, narrow bamboo cage for weeks on end. And as the election gets closer, Johnny, I’m pulling for you—pulling like how I did with your hair, your American hands tied behind your back, your face dragging underwater through all those rice paddies!
Ha ha.
Remember that? I’ll bet you do! I used to worry that you had forgotten those days, because you had perhaps blocked out the memories as too agonizing for your conscious mind to retain. But a quick glance at your press appearances over the last weeks has reassured me that you seem to remember just fine!
In fact, you can’t seem to stop talking about it!
Aw, it really takes me back...Good times, good times.
We sure have come a long way since those days, huh, my friend? Who would’ve thought, back then, in that lice-infested prison camp we used to call home, that one day those horrible experiences would be so useful in establishing what amounts to the only credibility you have among the voters of your country?
If I had known I was going to be of such help to your presidential campaign 40 years later, I would have tortured you even harder! Anything I can do to help, old buddy.
Ha ha. C’mon, Johnny boy, I’m just joshing you!
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The Debates!! I Want To See Them So Bad!!
POSTED BY: Dac Kien, Retired Vietcong Torturer
Sep 25, 2008, 11:05 pm
I can't believe Friday's big Presidential Debates might be postponed because John McCain doesn't want to do them! Actually I can believe it. John McCain, who I used to know back in the day, is what you might call a pussy—at least when it comes to being incessantly tortured by the Vietcong, ie, me!
But all kidding aside, these debates are so important for the two candidates to show the American peoples that they are the best person to lead their country and not break down in tears every time they hear a loud bang.
I really want to see how Barack Obama does against my old friend John McCain. It will be a good matchup! I hope that John McCain has gotten his voice back since the last time I saw him. And his eyesight. And put on some clothes other than those old rags he always used to wear. Oh, and I also hope he's not still completely freaking crazy and shaky from all the torturing we were doing to him about 20 hours a day for five years. That would be good.
Just busting your balls, John McCain, you pussy. I think you're going to do great!
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POSTED BY: Dac Kien, Retired Vietcong Torturer
Sep 25, 2008, 11:53 am
Boy, Sarah Palin has really energized the campaign of the senator John McCain hasn't she? There's this electricity about him that I haven't seen in decades, maybe even not since the last time I clamped jumper cables to his scrotum and ran 5,000 volts through his scrawny American balls.
Yes. Sarah Palin is that exciting!
What a great thing for Mr. McCain. To think of all he's been through to get where he's at today, how he's risen from the fetal position, quivering and crying in a pile of his own feces, to be this close to the White House. You will make America proud John, so proud! Just don't let the American people see what a huge pussy you are when it comes to being slapped in the face with turpentine-soaked rags for ours on end, and you'll make them proud.
Ha, ha, ha, pussy!
I do think that Sarah Palin might be a bit of a liability, to be honest. Did you see her with Charlie Gibson the other day? When he asked her about the "Bush Doctrine?" She looked like she'd just had sap put up her anus and filled with two-dozen Vietnamese red pincher ants. It is good that she's telegenic, though. Unlike John McCain who, if I recall, is covered in deep blue mallet-shaped bruises all up and down the left side of his body, with a massively swollen eye, and more than a few broken teeth. Right John?
CHARLIE IN THE TREELINE! GET DOWN! CHARLIE IN THE MOTHERFUCKING TREELINE! DOWN, DOWN, GET THE FUCK DOWN NOW!
Just kidding! Oh, John McCain, I miss torturing you.
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