War For The White House Blog
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Gary is a member of the Young America's Foundation and an outspoken critic of liberal politics. Click here to read his posts from the beginning.
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I'm Glad I Don't Have A Brain Yet, Because I Hate Elitism
POSTED BY: Gary Brunson, 5-Week-Old Fetus
Oct 25, 2008, 5:00 pm
If there's one thing I am sick and tired of listening to as I sit here growing clusters of nerve cells that will eventually form ears, it's the elites . And the worst elite of them all is this Washington insider, career politician, and writer of too many books Joseph R. Biden. Just listen to him talk! Every single time he appears on TV, it's "analysis of the issues" this and "informed opinion" that. Blah blah blah! Even I make more sense than this asshole, and I don't have a fucking speech center yet!
Seriously, doesn't Mr. Biden and his kind know how sick of all their fancy "thinking" we are? I'd rather spend all day listening to the monotonous beating of my mother's heart than hear one more word from this jackass. After all, at least my mother's heart doesn't drone on about "the economic challenges facing our nation" all the damn time.
As a pre-born entity who has yet to develop any higher brain functions, I am uniquely in touch with what voters are looking for this election. They are looking for 3 things: heartfelt emotion, righteous rage, and good old-fashioned Joe Six-Pack-style values. … three things that an elitist like Joe Biden will simply never understand.
I'm sorry but that's the facts, elitists! And if you don't like it, as soon as I grow a digestive tract you can kiss my ass.
Send comments to politics@theonion.com.
The Anti-Obama Attack Campaign Is Developing, And So am I!
POSTED BY: Gary Brunson, 5-Week-Old Fetus
Oct 11, 2008, 1:26 pm
Yes! Finally, the McCain-Palin ticket is coming out swinging. I may only be an undifferentiated mass of cellular tissue, but even I could predict that as November got closer, they were finally going to go on the offensive, and boy oh boy, they did not disappoint me! For the last week, Palin has gone ballistic about Barack Hussein and his connections to crazed bomber 60s radicals.
All right! Now that’s the Republican party I know and love!
What’s the matter, liberals? Does what I’m saying upset you? Think that just because I'm a fetus that means I can’t play hardball with the big boys, is that it? Well guess what, blue-state donkeys? I can say anything I want and there's nothing you can do about it, because I haven’t been born yet, and as a member of the unborn, I am more important than everything else on Earth.
Hell, even a retarded fetus is more important than any other concern you can name—lack of experience, lack of knowledge, a pronounced inability to answer simple questions.
Still don’t like what I’m saying? Well, how about you try sucking it up, jerkwads! After all, what else can you really do?
Come on, I dare you! I double dare you! Yeah, that's right, I didn’t think you had the guts.
Man, being a fetus fucking rules.
Send comments to politics@theonion.com.
Looks Like I'm Not The Only One Growing A Pair Of Balls
POSTED BY: Gary Brunson, 5-Week-Old Fetus
Oct 02, 2008, 3:37 pm
With the election heating up, it looks as if the Republican ticket is finally developing a pendulous scrotal sac and fighting back against the Jew-run media. Honestly, I haven't seen a smear-campaign this bad since my fetal eyelids first opened earlier in the week. Thankfully, it seems as though Ms. Palin has had enough and will let everyone know exactly where she stands when she meets up with that overgrown zygote Senator Joe Biden later tonight.
I for one, can't fucking wait. Go Sarah! Give 'em hell!
Send comments to politics@theonion.com.
Life Begins When I Damn Well Say It Does
POSTED BY: Gary Brunson, 5-Week-Old Fetus
Sep 26, 2008, 2:00 pm
If I have to hear Barack Obama dodge one more question about abortion, I swear I'm going to strangle myself with this umbilical cord. I don't know how many times I have to tell you people: Life begins at conception, every life is sacred, and if you don't like it, you can suck my big, fat unborn dick.
It's the same old BS from these blue-state liberals. A fetus isn't a human being, they say. A fetus is just a group of congregated cells. A fetus doesn't have consciousness, identity, or intent. Well, you out-of-touch elitists, how's this for intent: the moment I get my placenta-covered ass out of here, you're going to wish you had me terminated, because I want my country back, and I'll do whatever I can to reclaim those values that made it great.
Speaking of which: Who's gonna stop all the illegal immigrants in this country?
Are we just going to let every last Pedro and Maria swim across the Rio Grande whenever they damn well please to milk our system for everything it's worth? If I weren't still in the embryonic stage of fetal development, and didn't more closely resemble a tadpole than a human being, I'd round up the whole lot of freeloaders and kick them out myself.
Jesus Christ, this is America—learn the cognitive skills required to speak the language!
One thing's for damn sure: no Mexican is going to climb over these uterine walls. Sorry, Paco, or whatever your name is. We're all closed up. No jobs to steal inside here.
What's the matter? Did I come on a little too strong for you liberals out there? Did I offend your delicate sensibilities? Well, you better get used to it, because I have plenty more to say, and thanks to United States Code, Title 18, Chapter 1, Section 1841, there's nothing you can do about it.
That's right, go ahead and try to lay one finger on me. I'll have Evangelical Christians on your doorstep so fast, it'll make your fucking head spin.
Just say the word.
Send comments to politics@theonion.com.
