War For The White House Blog
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The Onion's editorial cartoonist, Kelly, used his 35 years of experience to offer an inside look at the most important events of the political party conventions. Read Kelly's dispatches from the beginning, or return to the main blog.
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RNC Coverage: Morning In America
POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist
Sep 05, 2008, 3:45 pm
Good Morning, My Fellow Americans.
I come to you today from the City of Twins, St. Paul. We've all been through a lot in the past two weeks, none more than me. I've endured great pain, boredom, frustration. But I haven't complained once.
My editors phoned me this morning, here in my very own "Hanoi Hilton on the Mississippi." They asked if I wanted them to move up my flight time as I had requested in my early missive. Although I would benefit personally from such a move, I said no. I could not "Jump In Line" ahead of my countrymen also dying to leave this Torturous Timberland.
As I stare into the smudgey Motel room mirror, I see the red scars left from my combat on the streets in front of McDonalds. The Pepper Spray wounds no Visine could erase.
I also see the scars that are unseen, the scars inside that I will have to carry with me for the rest of my days. The inner tears I hold for cows that gave their lives for Big Macs that would never be eaten.
Looking into the mirror I also see a man who is older, wiser. I've grown these past two weeks. Grown in ways you could not understand without having experienced it yourself. That doesn't make me better than you, just more worldly. But don't worry, young ones, your days will come soon enough...
I'm proud to have had the chance to teach the people how it works out here in the "Real World."† Immersed in your own lives, Television programs and who-knows-what, you can't know the feeling of being an arm's length from Power, Fame, and The Things That Matter.
Whether Barracks Obama's Hopeful Message of Audacity or John McCain's Inspiring Tale of Crashing His Plane in the Jungles of Vietnam, this is where the action is—alas, where you are not.
I ask nothing in return for my sacrifice. But behold this gift of grace, surely a reward from our Devine Father:
This VHS copy of "An American President" was meant for me, meant for my cherished VHS Library. While stumbling home in pain, hunched over and weeping like a child, I was somehow able to see through my wall of tears this—this Godsend—waiting for me on the side of the street. There was a large black Hefty bag which† had been ripped open by perhaps a homeless person or a wild Minnesota Badger. Or maybe it was a Higher Power that ripped open that Hefty bag, allowing some of it's contents to spill out onto the sidewalk.
Although the cover was partially covered by old chicken bones, banana peel, and a crumpled Kleenex, I immediately spotted the sheen of Stone-Romancer Michael Douglas's mane and swept down to rescue the tape from the pile of refuse.
This election is perhaps the Most Critical Election in our lifetimes. That's not something we say every four years, either: right now is make or break for the U S of A. To whom will you turn?
Personally, I'm not interested in a Democratic President or a Republican President. I'm interested in "An American President." I've got a few hours before I need to leave for the airport, and I intend to use them right here with the VCR in my room.
As the curtain fades on the American Political Conventions of 2008, let me just add that I still believe in the Shining City of Twins on the Hill. And that city is America.
Thank you and God Bless.
Signing off,
Kelly
See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here
Send comments to politics@theonion.com.
POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist
Sep 05, 2008, 3:25 pm
Was hit with "Pepper Spray" by Police! Burned my eyes out! Can't wait to leave this sewer of a town, the town of Republicans! Editors, if you are out there reading this, please change my flight—I need emergency evacuation! Have been pouring water on my face for hours. It burns!
Was nearly through the crowd and at the door to the McDonalds when I was suddenly showered with burning chemical agent. No one was there for me … I was abandoned by my Country, after all I had done for it in the name of Freedom.
I now know what it feels like for our wounded veterans to come home and be ignored and neglected. I didn't even make it past the golden arches for a 99 cents meal. All that value… lost.
How I wish there was a helicopter that could swoop down and airlift me off the roof of this Flea Bag Motel just like those lucky ones in Saigon in '75. I can't get out – CAN'T GET OUT!
Editors, LISTEN TO ME! GET ME OUT OF HERE!
Send comments to politics@theonion.com.
POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist
Sep 05, 2008, 3:12 pm
The crowd has grown significantly larger, and rather rambunctious.
There's a lot of hollering going on and I can't make heads nor tails of it. Don't these people know the Republicans Convention is going on nearby? Whatever happened to RESPECT? I may be a Third Party member now but even I have some regard for the sanctity of the Grand Old People in the X-Cel Center.
At last!
If you look in this photo you'll see what this voter wants to hear: the Golden Arches! TV experts often talk about "Red Meat" during the speeches at the Cons. I say "hold the speeches, hold the lettuce!" Time for a "Burger Break"—if I can make it through this crowd, that is.
It's true what they say: I'm Lovin' It!
See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here
Send comments to politics@theonion.com.
POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist
Sep 05, 2008, 2:57 pm
Boy, there are a lot of people outside the convention today. It's almost like they're having a convention of people who didn't get into the convention!
But just look at this on your left.
Now that is one "Patriotic Pooch!" I've never seen a dog like this one, but I'll bet dollars to donuts he was "Born In The USA!"
Too bad the young man who owns that Colorful Canine isn't running for President himself on the "Third Party" ticket. With a "Running Mate" this adorable I might just have to pull the lever for this adorable duo!
I thought about asking the fellow if he had Political Aspirations but I was afraid I might be "Barking Up The Wrong Tree" so I decided to "Put a Leash" on it!
See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here
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RNC Coverage: More Of The Same
POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist
Sep 05, 2008, 2:54 pm
I left the very "UN-X-CELLENT" X-Cel Center via the West Exit for once (didn't really have a choice in the matter, thanks to the Gestapo they've got working "security"). It gave me a new perspective on the Republicans Convention. Look familiar?
Yes, it's another one of those franchised CNN Fancy Grills which seem to be popping up all across the nation. Watch out, Starbucks!
Thanks, but no thanks. Been there, done that. You can take your fancy CNN Beer and shove it where the sun don't shine.
Republicans and Democrats—what's the difference? They're both Parties of Big Money and Special Interests (namely, Ted Turner). For the first time I feel like my eyes have been opened. I can say at this moment that I see America's Political Landscape in a whole new light.
I've now got half a mind to vote for one of those "Third Party" candidates. They are the True Patriots. Independent as opposed to the "Big Two" parties who are merely puppets of their corporate puppet-masters, CNN.
So long, Fancy Grill. You won't be seeing Kelly in your dank halls anytime soon. I've moved on. I'm fed up with the Status Quo and I'm not going to settle for the same-old, same-old any longer!
Gotta find a McDonalds.
See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here
Send comments to politics@theonion.com.
RNC Coverage: Saluting Our Veterans
POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist
Sep 05, 2008, 1:52 pm
I spotted a True American Hero and got off a quick snap while the jackbooted X-Cel guards were roughing me up. Take a look:
It's no surprise that Corporal Agarn, decorated veteran of F-Troop, is a McCain supporter. Military Greats stick together—they are indeed "Blood Brothers."
Agarn held his head high with a pride that only comes from years in our nation's armed services. I never had a chance to serve with a "Band of Brothers" but I've always felt connected to our boys in uniform. For I, too, feel a call to a cause greater than myself. Not everyone is blessed to see the world clearly as I do, and I therefore feel it my duty to be the prism through which Americans can view the Truth—a Truth rendered with impeccable cross-hatching (if I may say so myself).
They don't give medals for cartooning—at least none that I'm aware of. But I'm not in this for recognition. I'm in it for my Country.
All of us salute you, Corporal Agarn, from the bottom of our purple hearts.
See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here
Send comments to politics@theonion.com.
RNC Coverage: Line In The Sand
POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist
Sep 05, 2008, 12:42 pm
Hot-footed it over to "The Con" today, hoping to catch a glimpse of this new "Lady VP" the talking heads are talking about.
Some Einstein in the X-Cel Center claimed my badge for today didn't grant me access to the Great Hall:
I didn't want to embarrass him, but I told him who I was. He claimed he'd never heard of me. This kid was too young to know better—not worth raising a ruckus about.
Brokaw passed by in a rush. We've been friends ever since I was on the "Today" show talking about my cartoons defending the President during the so-called Watergate affair. I called out to Tom but he didn't hear (busy guy) so I just followed behind him towards the Great Hall where we could catch up in style.
Einstein hollered at me to stop. I explained I was with Brokaw and the next thing I know, two security Nazis have me by the arms and I'm out of the X-Cel Center on my keister!
Just like Saddam Hussein did in Kuwait, the people at the X-Cel Center have drawn a line in the sand with me. Hear me loud and hear me clear, X-Cel: This Aggression will not stand!
Decided to go look for lunch.
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POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist
Sep 05, 2008, 11:35 am
Getting a late start.
My plan worked like a charm yesterday: After putting in an early day's work covering things at the Con, I made my way out and wandered across the City of Saints to a friendly watering hole. I had good timing, too, because as I was leaving the X-Cel Center there were huge crowds coming in.
I knocked back quite a few belts at Alary's throughout the afternoon and evening.
This was an Irish establishment and I had a little "Luck O' The Irish" myself: There were no TVs broadcasting the Con so I could really unwind and get away from it all.
It reminded me of the old days, when I'd stay out 'til "the wee hours" at a bar very similar to this one, only to be harassed by my nagging wife and wailing kids upon returning home. "You said you were going out for baby formula!" she'd complain. Well, my "Formula" for baby's was to get away from them! I believe in the sacred values of Motherhood and that Men shouldn't interfere on matters of childcare. She couldn't see it that way and she'd tell me in no uncertain terms (repeatedly, believe me). Wisely, I'd be sure to imbibe enough so that her yabbering would fade into the background. Ah, youth.
No such hassle here in the City of Twins. I made it back to "Chez Flea Bag" when I was good and ready. And after all my bloodhound reporting yesterday decided I'd give myself a break (for once) and sleep in.
When I woke up I couldn't remember where I left my wallet and searched my room in a panic. Turns out I'd left it in the ice machine down the hall (what's a post-bartime nightcap without ice, right?) but as I was looking I found this newspaper from last weekend under the bed:
A woman? Mr. McCain picked a woman to be Veep?? Not only that, but she's a looker. Says she used to be a beauty queen. I'm not so sure this is such a good idea. If you're reading, Mr. McCain, then listen up to a story of mine:
Back in the 1970s, when a lot of folks were "letting it all hang out," a beautiful lady by the name of Liberty ("Libby," we called her) came to work at my newspaper's editorial room. She always had a smile and a tight-fitting blouse. It was clear from Day 1 that she had "A Thing" for me, and she'd make that clear the way she'd say "Good Morning," when she'd see me in the morning and "Have a Good Night" when she'd be leaving for the day. I can still hear her voice and smell the warm aroma of her hairspray.
Now, don't judge her too quickly. I'm sure I had my own role in what happened as well. Back then I'd keep a few extra buttons on my shirt unbuttoned (it teased the ladies – I know, I'm terrible!) and wear a "Macho" Taurus medallion around my neck. I'm not actually a Taurus (I don't believe in that Astrology Witchcraft anyway) but I thought the bull imagery had the most sex appeal so there you go.
One day during a Deadline Crunch, Libby rushed into the Photo-Stat dark room. It was the most obvious ploy and for me to not follow her would have been, to my mind, rude. In the soft glow of the dark room's red light, she lunged at me and thrust her heaving bosom into my hands. Passion works in strange ways—as she jolted backwards, she spilled a tray of developing chemical all over my Polyester pants, ruining them.
With that stain on my pants, our cat was out of the bag, and there was no option but for Libby to be let go. Too bad for her, but that's the moral I'd like to impart to Mr. McCain: Working with women is bad business. They are too emotional (you should have seen Libby when the City Desk Editor fired her) and they become attached too easily. They're impulsive and they have no self-control.
I'm sure some of you ladies out there involved with "Women's Lib" won't understand. That's okay, we can "agree to disagree" with mutual respect intact. But just like Mr. McCain, I deal in "Straight Talk."
And Libby, if you're out there on the Superhighway reading this, there's something I've always wanted to tell you: I forgive you.
See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here
Send comments to politics@theonion.com.
RNC Coverage: No Children Left Behind
POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist
Sep 03, 2008, 4:54 pm
I want to bring you up to date on the latest developments from the X-Cel Center in the City of Saints. Some of them are shocking indeed.
Republicans have long valued the value of Commitment. And today they are honoring those of us who have made a commitment to children—"All My Children"—by providing free Convention Access to the Emmy-winning daytime drama.
I can report to you at this hour that Kendall Hart (she's bold, impulsive, and unwilling to take any crap) agrees to go with Zach Slater (Stoic Man of Honor, but with a Heart of Gold) to his beach house. After passionate love-making, she needs to go back to work but he insists they need time for them and should ignore the outside world. Zach is like a broken record, repeating that Kendall is spending too much energy on others and not their relationship. He thinks she's scared, and alludes to problems in their marriage. Kendall denies and claims their marriage is perfectly sound.
It is a sad contrast that men like Zach are scarcely to be found on the American Political Landscape. We could use a man like him in office—and, yes, even the highest office in the land. Kendall should stop and realize what she's throwing away.
See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here
Send comments to politics@theonion.com.
RNC Coverage: Tradition And Honor
POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist
Sep 03, 2008, 3:55 pm
The Republicans have outfitted the X-Cellent X-Cel Center (it's growing on me) in a very smart way. Take this moving display honoring our veterans of Hockey.
Somebody on the National Republicans Committee gets a gold star for framing these jerseys and mounting them in such a symmetrical fashion. It's just the thing to connect with voters, both in and out of the X-Cel Center.
I've never followed Hockey per se, but I have always had high regard for the Hockey Traditions of the Great Northwest. As legend has it, the giant Paul Bunyan first began hitting pucks around frozen ponds with tree logs and from there one of our most cherished sports was born.
I won't pretend to be an expert, but I can report that these jerseys tell volumes about the sacrifice and endurance of America's Hockey Professionals. They represent, I'm quite sure, many of the championship teams that have triumphed on the field of competition—or should I say the ICE of competition!
Here's to you, Hockey. Our hats and hearts go off to you.
See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here
Send comments to politics@theonion.com.
