RNC Coverage: News Bloodhounds

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Sep 03, 2008, 2:36 pm

Tracking the news is hard work, perhaps more so at America's Political Conventions. You have to have a "Nose For News" when in search of the "Big Scoop." Well, there's no shortage of Award-Winning Journalists here and they know where the action is.

 

Above you'll see just such a scenario: Reporters have followed the Long and Winding Trail, peering in the nooks and crannies of politics, and discovered a "Source" right here in the Press Area of The Con.

I'm not certain the identity of this particular "Deep Throat" (sometimes Sources prefer their anonymity) but it's clear from the focused attention the reporters are giving him that he's delivering some Hard News to their waiting ears. Who knows, he may even be an "Insider" doing some "Leaking."

Personally, I don't respect those who leak information (it's a fine line between freedom of speech and treason in my book) but it has become, I'm sorry to report to all of you, standard practice in the world of politics.

I didn't have time to catch all that this man was talking about, but it appeared to be of great interest. I'd advise everyone out there on the Information Superhighway to follow the "Sites" and the "Bloggs" as there very likely will be some crucial Breaking News coming down the pike in the very near future.

See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here

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RNC Coverage: Not Settling On Second Best

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Sep 03, 2008, 1:46 pm

One of the "perks" of being a member of the Mass Media is that there are all sorts of freebies here in the Press-Only area of The Con. A qualified professional with exclusive access can get all the daily trades he desires at no cost whatsoever. Talk about "FREE-dom of the Press!"

Unfortunately, they don't have any of the good publications, like "Bird Talk" or "Extreme Sudoku." A lot of these "pubs" they have for free I've never even heard of before, like this one:

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Must be a local paper from the Northwest Minnesota Mountains. The first thing I notice is the cover illustration. They obviously don't like Mr. McCain if they have the Grand Old Nominee all decked out in a cave-man outfit! ??? I'm all for Freedom of Opinion, but that's going a little "extreme."

Also, speaking objectively as a reader, it's unclear as to what that Ship has to do with anything—and same for the tattoo. In the end, it's just not a very good illustration.

All of which inevitably brings the reading public to the next query: Why didn't they hire an experienced Political Cartoonist for this task, someone who knows a thing or two about the art form of making political statements with line drawings?

For the record, I'm not above helping out in this area. I've got a commitment to my own paper, but occasionally time allows me to create original political art for other publications as well. Editors: don't be intimidated by my long years in this business! I want you to feel comfortable approaching me. Perhaps we could go out to dinner and discuss a project you have on the horizon, make a night of it. I know a few spots—we could become more than just work colleagues, we could become friends. I could call you on the weekends, check and see if there are any new illustration assignments worth discussing over at your home while we grill on the barbeque or mix cocktails at the wet bar. Again, I want you to feel comfortable. My calendar has a few openings so just give me a call.

See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here

Send comments to politics@theonion.com.

RNC Coverage: In The Pantheon Of X-Cellence

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Sep 03, 2008, 12:55 pm

I left the convention yesterday hungry and bored. I couldn't find a single decent kiosk of fast food open for business in the whole Xcel Center. Whoever's in charge over there sure hasn't earned the label "X-Cellent," let me tell you!

Although this Republican City of Twins has put its best foot forward in welcoming all of us in the Press Corps, I can't say much for the prospects of their party if no one shows up at their convention. Maybe they should build a nicer stadium—that strategy works like a charm for our great Ball Clubs around the nation. Perhaps if they harness the awesome spirit of Abe Lincoln, they could build the first Log Cabin Stadium. But any hesitation in getting it built before November will surely spell doom at the polls.

Anyway, I decided that today I'd head over to "The Con" early and get all of my reporting out of the way in the morning so I could take the rest of the day off. I've been working like a dog and I don't mind telling you readers that the Big Cheeses aren't paying me enough to put up with this crap 24 hours a day.

 

Again, all is quiet on the Northwestern Front. But a good reporter can't wait for the story to come to him, he must search it out. I decided to begin my quest in the press area of the not-long-for-this-world X-Cel Center.

Amidst the hacks and wannabes, I found the USA Today press section:

 

I've tried for decades to work for the Gannett Gods, but never made the cut. I'm not bitter. Their high standards is exactly why I yearn to work for them in the first place. I'm happy with my career, but just once I'd love a shot at being a Contender—at being the USA Today Cartoonist.

I stepped into their press zone, hoping to make a connection (it's all who you know in this biz) or at least share a friendly chat with my USA Today colleagues (we're all in this Convention Hell together, after all).

 

They asked me to leave, but they were very nice about it. I take that as a sign from above … a sign of encouragement. I'll keep trying. Journalists like persistence. It shows I'm serious. In fact I'll keep circling around their booth, step in and out and wave to them occasionally. That will keep me on their mind. Maybe I'll bring them some coffee, give them some compliments on today's edition—maybe even some pointers on how they could improve the USA Today. It's not everyone who would take the time to thoughtfully share some free advice.

I'll keep at it. The important thing is to make a good impression.

See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here

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RNC Coverage: The Long, Hard Slog

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Sep 03, 2008, 11:59 am

All of you out there likely don't fully appreciate the lengths we journalists go to in order to bring America's Political Conventions home to your living rooms. You sit there in your easy chairs and soak in the information briefly, change channels or flip the page to the crossword puzzle, all the while assuming this political coverage is something that just happens by magic with no effort whatsoever.

Let me tell you, I'd sure like to be in that easy chair right now and if I was I'd change channels to make sure I don't miss "Jake and the Fat Man" which is on in about 17 minutes. But I can't be there, can't enjoy the freedoms you take for granted.

Like our brave boys in Iraq on a second tour of duty, I am myself on my second tour – this time to the Republicans Convention. The Democrat Convention was hell on earth and now I've been called up for service again. I don't complain, don't whine – I simply do my job. That's how I was trained.

And don't think I look down on you as you revel in your cushy existence, free from horrible hotels that came at a discount rate and because your're traveling for work and the "Big Cheeses" in the head office are paying the bills you have no control over where you stay and you want to go home. No, when I think of you enjoying life as I once did but can now hardly remember, I am proud. Because I'm fighting the war of politics here so you don't have to fight it at home. My service as media watchdog allows you to safely check out and move on to the business of your life – television programs et al.

Thus is a cause greater than myself, a higher purpose. For that reason I hold no grudge that you can come and go from your kitchens at ease, warming pizza rolls in your microwaves whenever "The Hungries" hit. That Freedom is in fact why I am doing this, and even your obliviousness to the sacrifices I and others in the press are making is something I don't disdain but which makes me feel proud.

Because above all a Cartoonist is selfless. Selfless in his defense of Liberty with at capital "L."

Don't worry about me – I'll be fine. Tell those waiting that I'll be home soon, when my job is done. That's a way to explain it so the children understand. I wish this were a more perfect world, but it isn't. Kiss yourselves goodnight for me and keep a light on in your hearts. Tie a yellow ribbon around everything in sight – I'll appreciate it when I return. Sometimes small symbols mean the most. God Bless.

See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here

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RNC Coverage: The Last Man

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Sep 03, 2008, 11:25 am

I made it down to the flea-bag motel my editors set me up in (don't ask) and headed over to the Con. The Welcome Wagon of the City of Twin Saints just keeps on rolling!

 

Seemed kind of quiet but I assumed that was because everyone was already inside. But when I got in it is was nearly empty …

 

 

It's almost like everyone evacuated or something … sort of eerie. And not unlike a film my old buddy Chuck Heston (God Rest His Soul and Cold Hands) made years ago titled the Omega Man.

In that one, he was the last human left alive (or one of the last) and was chased by some kind of zombies or something. It was a Science-Fantasy movie – with emphasis on the "Fantasy." Can you imagine being the last person left alive? You could just get anything you wanted for free, like a flat screen TV or a new Lincoln Town Car. If "Omega" means "Lucky" in Latin then that is one well-titled movie!

I decided to check out the press area – but again, empty.

 

Even Pajamas TV is gone.

 

I haven't been up on the news lately so it's very possible some sort of plague hit the town, or maybe the Axis of Evil is up to no good. I'm going to see what I can dig up on this right after I eat.

 

Damn the evil-doers! "Sausage Haus" (I love when they spell things funny, by the way, like the "Kwik Mart") is yet another casualty in the War on Terror. But if we go hungry, they win. I'm going to keep looking.

See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here

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RNC Coverage: "Saint" Paul!

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Sep 03, 2008, 10:33 am

Well, I figured time's a-wastin' and I'd better get a move-on to "the Con," so I journeyed forth down to baggage claim and look what was waiting for me on the other side of the Star Trek-like sliding doors:

 

Now that's what I call "Rolling Out the Red Carpet!" When the "Saints" go marching in to St. Paul there's no shortage of Welcomes. I found not one, but TWO hospitality tables waiting for me:

 

 

I guess the double dose of courtesy is symbolic for the "City of Twins!" But it doesn't end there. Look what was waiting for me at Welcome table #2:

 

 

Let me tell you, that crap-pile Denver could take some etiquette cues from the "Saints" in St. Paul. Just feast your eyes on these delicious prepackaged treasures from the local conglomerate General Mills! (I don't mind giving 'em a plug – it's the least I could do given this snacktastic welcome box).

Let's keep in mind that not only is this a wonderful welcome, it's also a PRIVATIZED welcome. By hooking up with a business sponsor, St. Paul can offer this bounty of treats without milking the honest taxpayers a penny. Talk about "Saintly!"

Come on, folks: If the Republican Party can run a welcome like this, just think how they could run the country if given a fair chance for once. Something to think about come November.

See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here

Send comments to politics@theonion.com.

RNC Coverage: Judge Not

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Sep 02, 2008, 3:00 pm

Leaving the Caribou Coffee Outpost behind, I traveled around the bend and came to a Clearing:

 

A breathtaking sight for the sore eyes of this weary traveler: the Tall Timbers of Commerce! All that was missing was the scent of Pine here in the City of Twins Airport. My traveler's pack was no doubt awaiting me in the baggage claim area, but the Con wasn't going anywhere so I decided to take some "Me Time" and do a little shopping. It's fun, plus the U.S. economy could use a boost.

Unfortunately, most of the shops were ones I'd never heard of. I'm always wary of peddlers along the trail who might be selling snake oil, but I did find one (you can see it in the photo) called "Mall of America" (with a name like that, what Patriot could resist?). I believe I'd heard of the Mall of America before, though this didn't seem as large in scope. Size doesn't matter, though. There was enough red, white, and blue merchandise within to satisfy any consumer urges. I bought a T-Shirt to serve as a reminder of my visit to the Great Mall.

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In my wanderings I also came across a site of historic significance: the Men's room made famous by Public Servant Larry Craig.

The officials at City of Twins Airport have put a marker at this destination in the form of a joyous Snoopy statue. It's tasteful and fitting, but for me personally it reopens a wound. As those who know me know, I created Snoopy. Charles Schulz was a hack but he knew a good thing when he saw it in my sketch pad and the rest is history. But that's a story for another time.

If you're like most Americans you've forgotten all about last year's Larry Craig brou-ha-ha, so let me refresh your memory: Mr. Craig was going about his bathroom business when an upstart police detective mistakenly believed Mr. Craig was making overtures of the sexual persuasion.

I don't blame the cop. Police work is tough, as anyone who's seen "The Law and Order" knows. But it's a shame the media had such a field day over a bungled operation. Thankfully that's all been put to rest and the good Congressman is back hard at work keeping America safe from the two T's: Terror and Taxes.

Still, I wouldn't be doing my duty as a journalist if I didn't investigate the scene of the incident and follow the trail of truth. I entered the bathroom and, even though I didn't have to go number two, sat down in a stall.

All seemed normal, but after about 20 minutes I noticed I began involuntarily tapping my toes. It was the music! The sound system was playing just that brand of smooth jazz that gets feet tapping when you hear it in an elevator. Like Jessica Fletcher and Matlock, I'd cracked the case!

I'd love to argue this one in court (and Mr. Craig, if you're reading, I'm available). It would be open and shut. I've never studied law formally but judging from some programs I've seen I believe I'd have just the knack for it.

But I would encourage us all to look beyond the facts. For even without the proof of innocence—even if everything I've come up with on this case is wrong—there's still something to consider.

The music I heard in that bathroom was smoother and jazzier than any I'd heard in awhile. It gets you humming and it works great as background music on the morning talk shows, but it also is what I like to call "Mood Music." Put it on with a special someone and the sparks are soon to fly, if you know what I mean.

What's a weary traveler, beaten down by the day's journey, to do when that sax starts playing? I think we can all agree that Nature strikes in unexpected places, unexpected times. I'm not ashamed to say that after less than an hour in that stall I started feeling it myself. This is not unusual since my last divorce. I'll leave it to the Professors in the Ivory Towers and my court-appointed therapist to try and understand it. The important thing is to not talk about it.

So judge not, America. Not until you've walked a mile in Larry Craig's shoes…and in his stall.

See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here

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RNC Coverage: The Great North Woods

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Sep 02, 2008, 12:53 pm

Well, it took a few days but the Einsteins back at the office FINALLY managed to get me on a new flight from Denver to the "City of Twins," St. Paul. I can't tell you how grateful I am to leave that rat-infested sewer, Denver, in the rear-view mirror of my airplane.

"The Frontier" airlines took me to Denver, and I found the place to be anything but (a Frontier). This time I flew Northwest—a great American Airline we all know so well—and I have no doubt that St. Paul will indeed live up to that name.

The Great Northwest Woods of Minnesota has given a lot to Uncle Sam, from its trees chopped in swift, mighty blows by the likes of Paul Bunyan to the hockey stylings of the Mighty Ducks among others. It all sounds good on paper, but as the plane touched down on the Frosty Northern Tarmac, I tried to keep my expectations in check.

Imagine my delight when I saw this straight out of the chute:

 

Caribou Coffee! I had no idea such a thing even existed, but that's what traveling does: it expands your horizons and world view. What a refreshing antidote to the elitist swill hocked by Starbucks and the like back East. Coffee the way nature intended it: from freshly hunted deer right here in the Great Northwest Wilderness.

I was faced with a quandary: should I try the stuff? I'm an adventurer at heart, but I don't usually trust products with unfamiliar logos. Still, that "Wok 'n' Roll" next door (see photo) gave me the assurance I needed that this was likely "safe territory" for a journeyman like myself to explore.

Upon second thought, however, I reconfirmed in my mind that I prefer the coffee served at our finest fast food restaurants. Chains mean quality (that's how there get to be so many of 'em—there's no argument against success worth having), and I reward quality with my dollar. Putting my money where my mouth is.

Perhaps there were other non-coffee items I could try. Some pastries in a case looked good enough to eat, but I was unsure whether they had deer meat in them. I'm not sure how deer meat would agree with my digestion, and I have to be on top of my game this week at the Con. I decided best to err on the side of safety and take a pass.

Still, I've got this photo to remember the experience. I hope my snapping it communicated a message of support to these young entrepreneurs at the Northwest outpost of St. Paul. I like to encourage upstart Donald-Trumps-of-the-Future and if I can't do it with my wallet then communicating a good feeling of interest is the next best thing.

See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here

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