DNC Coverage: Thank You Denver!

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Aug 28, 2008, 5:30 pm

As the Denver stars sparkle in the Denver sky, I pass the Majestic Pepsi Cola Center Sculpture, and guess what? It lights up with little tiny lights, echoing the beautiful stars in the heavens above. Again, this photo does not do it justice—you had to be here.

 

On my way back to the hotel, look who I saw on the street:

 

Hollywood's Eddie Murphy! How about that? Only in Denver!

Well, this has indeed been a historic convention, or "Con" as I've taken to nicknaming it. St. Paul has tough shoes to fill with the Republicans next week. I'll be on my way come morning, but I'm certain nothing could ever live up to this week in Denver.

Thank you, Denver—I'll carry you with me in my heart!

Kelly signing off.

See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here

Send comments to politics@theonion.com.

DNC Coverage: August Surprise?

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Aug 28, 2008, 5:23 pm

Well, I closed the Fancy Grill, and upon leaving look who I saw outside:

 

Looks like someone was waiting in the wings to step in at just this moment. I'm sorry to see Barracks Obama go, but if the way this fabulous convention has been run is any indication, I have no doubt Jesse Jackson will be the next President of the United States. It may be the CNN beer talking, but I'm okay with that.

Send comments to politics@theonion.com.

DNC Coverage: ***BREAKING NEWS!!!!****

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Aug 28, 2008, 4:47 pm

EDITOR – PLEASE POST IMMEDIATELY!

OBAMA QUITS!

I was starting to think I should pull myself away from the CNN Fancy Grill and head on over to the Con (it being the last night and all). But then someone told me that there is NOTHING GOING ON AT THE PEPSI COLA CENTER TONIGHT – IT'S CLOSED!

IN OTHER WORDS, OBAMA HAS QUIT THE RACE AND GONE HOME!

Maybe if other reporters weren't sluffing it off at a ball game they might have beat me to the scoop. But as it stands, I'm here with the news first as I sip my fifth FREE beer.

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT – HISTORIC RUN ENDS WITH NO-SHOW.

That's the headline to run editors (do I have to do EVERYTHING?)

Well, no use rushing off now. Think I'll order #6 of CNN-on-tap. (I've earned it!)

See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here

Send comments to politics@theonion.com.

DNC Coverage: A New Dawn

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Aug 28, 2008, 4:40 pm

I slept in today (I deserved it!) and took my time getting to the Con. I'll be honest with you, after the way Denver has treated me the past three days, I thought about going home early. But my journalist instinct said I should stay—and how right I was, as you'll soon learn!

Enlarge Image

I got to the beautiful Pepsi Cola Center area and discovered that all of the security fences and x-ray doo-dads had been taken down. "What gives?" I asked a fellow reporter. He told me everyone was going to the Investorco Mile High Stadium, home of the two-time Superbowl champs, the Denver Broncos. Those speeches last night must have been really boring because reporters were leaving in droves—in fact they were leaving in droven buses.

It was at that moment that fate dealt me a "Royal Flush"! As that reporter paused to tie his shoe, I saw a blue piece of plastic nearly falling out of his back pocket. Printed on this were the letters "CNN."

It was destiny handed down to me by our Creator. With lightning or cat-like reflex, I slipped that blue plastic into my hands and wished the fellow a good day.

The way I see it, any reporter sneaking off to see a ballgame when he's supposed to be covering a convention doesn't deserve the CNN Fancy Grill. I don't care how seemingly close the stadium is. You made a pledge to do your job—honor it!

For once, the battle axe at the gate had no recourse but to let me step inside. What I found was Shangri-la. Here's the bar:

 

CNN is obviously branching out in what they do and I say that's a smart move. They now have their own beer. Look for it in your local liquor store!

 

I don't think I'm making a hasty judgement when I say that the Best Political Team on Television has the Best Men's Room in Denver! Not to mention the prettiest waitresses.

 

The best part? Everything in the Fancy Grill is absolutely free. FREE! Only in America.

LET FREEDOM RING!

LATE UPDATE: August 28, 2008 5:06 PM

As the sun begins to go down, please enjoy this beautiful panarama view from the CNN Fancy Grill:

 

I wish you readers could be here with me, but alas, you cannot—not without that blue plastic pass. God chose me to be here, and I'm doing right by him by sharing what I can with you on the Superhighway.

As I look out at the vista beyond the tables and umbrellas, it makes me question Why? Why can't EVERYONE be allowed in the Fancy Grill? The answer is clear to me now: Not everyone was intended to be here. I just count my blessings that I'm one of the few who made it.

See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here

Send comments to politics@theonion.com.

DNC Coverage: Change I Can Believe In!

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Aug 28, 2008, 4:12 pm

I needed a pick-me-up after the confrontation with Wolf and Anderson. In the hall I found this:

 

A DiGiornio Pizzaria right here in the Pepsi Cola Center! As we all know, DiGiornio makes frozen pizza for your local grocery store, but to get it fresh from the oven like this—now "That's Italian!"

I've been skeptical, but if the Democrats can orchestrate this kind of change at their convention, just think what they might be able to do in the White House. Tombstone Pizza Parlors?? I'm beginning to believe in a place called "Hope!"

See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here

Send comments to politics@theonion.com.

DNC Coverage: Faded Promise

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Aug 28, 2008, 3:16 pm

People started giving boring speeches from the stage at "the Con" so I decided to call it a night. On my way out of the hall I spotted the mystery man I'd seen earlier.

 

Back then he had the world on a string and was full of potential. No more. Although this other gentleman in the photo was generous enough to give our Mystery Man his ear for a moment, the rest of the crowd simply rushed by him, eager to return to the main hall for whoever was droning on and on in there. It's sad to see but in my experience that's the way politics work: Power is fleeting and Shooting Stars are a dime a dozen.

See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here

Send comments to politics@theonion.com.

DNC Coverage: Sheep In Wolf's Clothing

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Aug 28, 2008, 3:04 pm

As the last vestiges of corn dog were swilling in my gullet, I came upon the CNN booth. I wasn't sure how they'd react to me considering our feud. I had two choices, play it tough, or play it cool. I opted to try getting on their good side. I yelled out to Anderson Cooper a hearty congratulations on their new ice cream. He just stared at me like I was speaking Chinese:

 

Then over the loud din of the Con (why can't people simmer down??) I clearly explained to both Anderson and Wolf that I was a fellow journalist and did they have any pull to get me into the CNN Fancy Grill. They pretended they couldn't hear me.

 

Roger Mudd would never have snubbed me like that, even though we often sparred on the issues of the day. Whatever happened to anchorman backbone? It's clear these two are just sheep toeing the Turner line. I've been happy with my career but when your brothers in the field deny you red, white, and blue ice cream it makes one consider throwing in the towel. I feel sick right now.

See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here

Send comments to politics@theonion.com.

DNC Coverage: Stars Of All Different Stripes

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Aug 28, 2008, 2:03 pm

I decided to let my corn dog digest while taking in the majestic Pepsi Cola Center last night and let me tell you, there was a lot of commotion. It was very confusing as to who was who, but a few people caught my eye:

MARRIED TO THE MOB (OF DEMOCRATS, THAT IS!)

 

Talented young actor Matthew Modine was on hand to lift the spirits of conventiongoers. I'm sure no one at "the Con" last night could have spotted him without having their own "Vision Quest"—remembering him for that inspiring role that put him on the map of America's Heart. Again, it's been some time since I've seen the film, but I recall a wrestler who wouldn't give up and also got to sleep with a beautiful lady. As a political commentator, I can tell you that that is just the kind of spirit the Democrats need in this election. Yes, his presence may just be what it takes to put the party of the Donkey over the top in November.

ALOHA!

 

Speaking of "Spirit," this group's got a luau full of it! I've never been to Hawaii (too many diseases on those islands) but I always thought it was a smart bet for America to capture their land and call it our own. Just think of all the Polynesian people have contributed to our rich heritage: Pineapples, Hawaiian Punch, and those delicious potato chips they have at the grocery stores these days. Also, Steve McGarrett was a fine officer—we could use some men like him right here on the mainland in the Age of Terrorism.

DEVIL EYES

 

This woman stood out in the crowd. Something in her eyes reminded me of…evil. I hate to jump to conclusions, but I just knew there were a lot of gears spinning inside that blond-coiffed head—and that could mean bad things for the state of New York (the section she was sitting in). I hope I'm wrong, because the "Big Apple" has had its fair share of bites taken out of it over the years, and they could use a break. I think I'll write a letter of warning to Mike Bloomberg, if I'm able to remember when this whole shebang is over. He's a sensible guy and should know how to handle it. Like they say on the isle of Manhattan, "If you see something, SAY something!"

See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here

Send comments to politics@theonion.com.