DNC Coverage: Secret Service

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Aug 28, 2008, 10:40 am

In my quest for "An American President" on VHS, I'd nearly forgotten all about the CNN Fancy Grill. But sure enough, as I show up, there it is, mocking me in front of the beautiful Pepsi Cola Center.

I asked a kind young man with the Secret Service if he knew the password to get in. Apparently the password is even too secret for the Secret Service! Well, let's just hope there are no El Qaeda terrorists who've snuck in for some CNN Ice Cream because that CNN Fancy Grill perimeter is tough to breach!

So…snubbed again by the battle-axe working security at the Fancy Grill, I was forced to look elsewhere because I was feeling a little "snack hungry." This was my only option:

 

Not bad, all things considered. Had myself a "Corn Dog" and washed it down with an ice cold All-American Pepsi Cola. But while my hunger was momentarily satisfied, my yearning for the CNN Fancy Grill was not. Damn you, Ted Turner! Damn you to Hell!

I make this solemn vow, right here on the Information Superhighway: I WILL get into that Fancy Grill if it's the last thing I do.

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DNC Coverage: Great Expectations

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Aug 27, 2008, 9:02 pm

Well, I can't find a video store in this town to save my life. If I knew some "locals" maybe I could ask for some advice on that front, but I'm not one to reach out to strangers – you just can't be too safe is the way I see it (Especially in a place like Denver).

So I decided to head over to the Con. And on the way, look what I spotted:

 

A new movie about our current commander-in-chief! Doesn't look like one of those films with an axe to grind (thank goodness) so movie audiences should finally get a fair look at The Decider. My only question: Will this movie be as good as "An American President"? It'll be a tough battle – not unlike the Election War we have going on within our 50 states right now – but judging from the quality of this nifty poster, I'd say "W" just might stand for "Winner!"

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DNC Coverage: A Matter Of Justice

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Aug 27, 2008, 5:31 pm

I got an early start this morning to try and track down "An American President" on VHS somewhere here in Denver. Haven't found it yet, but I did come across this:

 

It saddens me when people trade on my good name for their own profit. I'm not too keen on lawyers but this one might just merit a call to an attorney.

Unfortunately, this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened. Back in the 1970s, when my son was playing softball, I got roped into buying jerseys for the kids. It was a real pain in the neck, but my point in relaying this is that when I went to order I noticed the color choice "Kelly Green." I was furious. But what could I do? Take on the whole garment industry?

There's a lot of piss under the bridge since then and my son and I are no longer on speaking terms, but through it all I have never forgotten that slight by the Capitol Hill Jersey and Sports Company. That's both the promise and the peril of America – everyone's trying to make a buck and everyone's trying to rip you off.

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DNC Coverage: An American President

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Aug 27, 2008, 4:47 pm

Things were quiet at the Con last night so I decided to turn in early and catch a little of the "Boob Tube." You'll never believe what was on channel 87: "Romancing the Stone!"

 

Perhaps one of the best films of the 1980s (despite that drug scene, which was unnecessary in my book), it really shows Michael Douglas at his best. And that Kathleen Turner – hubba hubba! But she's more than just a looker: it's clear she symbolizes America's resolve – pulling herself up by her own bootstraps in the middle of that jungle to make something of herself and earn that diamond that Alligator swallows whole (a metaphor for America's Big Government with a capital "B" – but I don't have to tell you that).

I tell you, watching that film again after all these years really took me back. If I had to turn around and go home from the Democratic National Convention right now I would leave totally satisfied. (To those of you who haven't seen the film, the answer is YES, it is just that good).

Lying in bed after the film was over, I couldn't sleep as I kept replaying the thrilling chase scenes in that dirty, smelly South American place when all of a sudden it hit me: years later, the Michael Douglas character would go on to become president in the aptly titled "An American President!"

 

What an inspirational story, when you think about it: adventuring roughneck in the jungle marries the girl and goes on to become president! How's that for "Hopeful Audacity," Mr. Barracks Obama! I think you could learn a thing or two from "Romancing the Stone!"

The only thing is Kathleen Turner wasn't in "An American President" … what was Michael Douglas thinking?? I have to confess it's been years since I've seen that one and I've forgotten some of the details. Maybe she died tragically? Or did she turn out to be a robot? I think I'll have to purchase that film on VHS for my library – perhaps I can even find it here in Denver! Come on, Denver: Here's your chance to prove you're a world-class city deserving to host this Democratic Presidential Convention. Don't let me down.

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DNC Coverage: Cover Up

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Aug 27, 2008, 2:44 pm

You get a lot of griping from journalists who say "Nothing Happens" at these political conventions. There is a lot going on - but you just have to look for it.

Last night I spent some time at the Con snooping around the beautiful Pepsi Cola Center. I started to get "the Hungries" and was pleased as punch when I saw the friendly logo of the Arby's Roast Beef Restaurant. But when I approached, I found that it had been shut down.

 

Why? Why do the Democrats HATE Arby's Roast Beef Restaurant?? Right there is a story waiting to be told. I may not have time to track down the answer on this but perhaps someone out there reading in the "Information Superhighway" can do some "Blogg" work and get to the bottom of it. This could be a moment for the "New Media" that people keep talking about to really shine.

One thing's for sure: something's rotten in Denver. I know the Democrats hate business, but my instincts tell me it's something more than that. Could it be that the secret skeleton in Barracks Obama's closet is that he is really a meat-hating vegetarian??

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DNC Coverage: Shoulder To Shoulder With Greatness

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Aug 27, 2008, 11:00 am

Enlarge Image

In the center of the photo to your right, I believe, is a famous man.

I have to confess I don't know who he is, but there was a great deal of excitement around him. Perhaps some of you more "in-the-know" readers can identify him. At first I thought he was an actor I'd once admired for his work on "Murder She Wrote" (the actor in question had a mustache back then) but in giving it some thought I realized said actor would be much older now.

Even though I did not know who this man was, the amount of attention he was receiving was impressive. We might all do well to keep an eye him. I expect we'll be hearing a lot more about him and what we hear may be very good indeed. Yes, the attention he was receiving was just that striking.

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DNC Coverage: Choice Of A New Generation

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Aug 27, 2008, 10:55 am

One thing Denver HAS gotten right is the beautiful Pepsi Cola Center. I always hate when people tell me, "you had to be there," but — sorry folks — this is a place that mere words can’t describe. To fully take it in, you have to be here. But I'll try to bring a little Pepsi Cola Center home to you — starting with this photo:

 

I don't know where they found blue rocks, but I guess it's no surprise that if they're out there, the Pepsi Cola people are just the ones to find them! It is a breathtaking rock garden. And if you think it looks good here, it's even better in person — my camera can't begin to do it justice. It's right at the "Con" entrance and it really sets the tone well.

Many of you readers may be too young to remember this, but we used to have a saying, "Better Dead Than Red" — "red" meaning the commie menace. That's why I never drank Coca-Cola. That red can just stuck in my craw. Pepsi Cola had it's priorities straight from day one: Red, White and Blue! I appreciate that can design and I reward them with my business — to this day. And it warms my heart to see the new generation of young people in the advertisements also embracing the patriotic soda that is truly American — with a capital "A"!

But the rock garden's just the beginning. Feast your eyes on this:

 

I don't know if you can tell from the photo, but what this is is a majestic sculpture made from rock and (I believe) some metallic alloy. When you look at the sphere up top just right you see that it is a 3-D reimagining of the Pepsi Cola logo! I spent a good 20 minutes just taking it in. It looks stunning but it also makes you think. Pepsi Cola, rising from the rocks (symbolizing our Mother Earth) — natural and refreshing and shiny. Makes me thirsty just looking at it.

Take note, Denver City Council: Art this good isn't built on public funds! This came from the private sector as God intended. So take the "Pepsi Challenge" and think about this the next time you get the whim to dump a giant dustbin in the public square!

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DNC Coverage: Media Bias?

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Aug 26, 2008, 8:37 pm

Got to the Con and I decided I should bury the hatchet and end my feud with CNN and go and check out their Fancy Grill. I can't hold a grudge forever and besides I could use a bite.

 

Now get this: when I tried to enter I was told the Grill was for CNN employees ONLY. So much for the time-honored brotherhood of the Press! Chet Huntley must be rolling in his grave. Just look at this photo — I've never seen ANY of these people on CNN. There must be a secret code to get in. I'm going to do a little legwork and see what I can dig up about this. I bet that CNN ice cream is delicious.

LATE UPDATE: August 26, 2008 6:27PM

I THINK I'VE SPOTTED PAULA ZAHN ON THE CNN FANCY GRILL PATIO! I could only see her from behind:

 

I yelled "Paula!" a number of times but she didn't turn around. Maybe some friendly readers out there with keener eyes than mine can tell me if they think that's her or not. Her hair looks longer, but a lot of time has passed since Ted Turner and his thugs canned poor Paula and so perhaps she is growing it out. I think it works for her--she always had good grooming sense. Let's hope negotiations are under way to bring back "Paula Zahn Now."

No word yet on the secret Grill password. I hope they don't run out of ice cream.

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