War For The White House Blog
About This Blogger
Kendra has poured coffee for every major presidential candidate of the last 16 years, except Barack Obama and John McCain, who apparently couldn't be bothered. Read her posts from the beginning, or return to the main blog.
Subscribe to the election blog or all election coverage
A Message From FBI Agent Lucas Emerson
POSTED BY: Kendra Davidson, Owner of The Davidson Family Restaurant in Cedar Rapids, IA
Nov 05, 2008, 9:09 am
To Whom It May Concern:
This political blog, normally authored by one Kendra Davidson, will immediately cease publication effective this post. As many of you may know, Ms. Davidson has been detained at Guantanamo Bay Naval Base following a series of coordinated attacks on Senators John McCain and Barack Obama, the most recent of which involved attempting to jettison a food product she referred to as "Swing State Fish 'N' Chips" into their respective campaign headquarters using a crude homemade cannon constructed of PVC piping and a butane triggering system. The payloads from these two attacks are currently being analyzed for any possible chemical or biological agents.
Anyone with any information pertaining to this investigation is urged to come forward.
Thank you,
FBI Agent Lucas Emerson
Send comments to politics@theonion.com.
POSTED BY: Kendra Davidson, Owner of The Davidson Family Restaurant in Cedar Rapids, IA
Oct 27, 2008, 3:45 pm
After all that unpleasantness with Barack Obama in Muscatine a couple of weeks ago, I decided to focus my efforts on getting some good buzz going about Davidson's Family Restaurant within the McCain campaign. But with my arm in this big cast and the Davidson's catering truck left a smoldering, twisted pile of steel and rubber by that goshdarn bomb-defusing robot, how was I supposed to get my delicious McCain Hotcakes—add an order of Homey Palin Homefries for only a dollar extra—into their namesake's mouth while he does damage control in New Hampshire?
Ingenuity, that's how. I got the address of the venue in Manchester, NH where McCain would attempt to stave off a GOP loss of the Granite State, and packed up one of those heat-retaining insulated mailers with McCain Hotcakes, a fresh Thermos of Davidson's coffee, and a cute little note that said "These hotcakes are to die for, Mr. McCain!" Then I mailed it off same-day with FedEx, and waited for word-of-mouth to do its thing.
Well, apparently the fucking coffee spilled all over everything inside the package, and the note emerged reading "Die Mr. McCain!" And how do I know this? The goddamn motherfucking Feds that came by today to freeze my assets because I'm a "potential terror suspect" told me, that's how I fucking know.
Fuck you, McCain, it was innocent mistake. And fuck you, Agents Emerson and Logsdon. I've just about given up on this whole goddamned country. How does "Davidson's French Riviera Bistro" sound to everyone? Starting to sound pretty goddamned good to me.
Send comments to politics@theonion.com.
POSTED BY: Kendra Davidson, Owner of The Davidson Family Restaurant in Cedar Rapids, IA
Oct 09, 2008, 10:37 am
Well, things have been heating up again in the Hawkeye State where Barack Obama has at least a nine-point lead in the polls, due in equal parts to hard campaigning and an understaffed McCain campaign. So I figured hey, if Obama's the man of the hour, I should probably gas up the trusty Davidson's catering truck and make the trip to Muscatine where the Democratic candidate had stopped to make his pitch. If he won't come to Davidson's family restaurant, I thought, then why not bring Davidson's down home cooking right to him? And with all that local media there, it seemed like it would have been a regular P.R. coup for me, right?
Wrong. What an ungrateful bastard Obama turned out to be. No sooner had I approached the senator with a steaming hot serving of Davidson's new Change Gravy Fries—only $3.99—than I was tackled by about eight Secret Service agents who broke my arm in the process. When I tried to explain about how the fries were a goddamned taste explosion, they brought in one of those bomb defusing robots and FUCKING BLEW UP THE DAVIDSON'S CATERING TRUCK. I still owe 18 grand on that stupid rig! And to top it all off, I spent a good 10 hours in a fucking detention cell being questioned.
Go fuck yourself, Obama. You may have 40 field offices and a commanding lead in Iowa polls, but John McCain's currently the frontrunner at Davidson's.
Send comments to politics@theonion.com.
POSTED BY: Kendra Davidson, Owner of The Davidson Family Restaurant in Cedar Rapids, IA
Sep 25, 2008, 5:11 pm
Oh my God! McCain, Obama and Bush all in the same room talking about the bailout! Why did no one tell me this was going to happen? I would've driven the Davidson's catering truck through the night to Washington! They would have loved my roast beef sandwich on kaiser roll with au jus dip! I would have called it "the Bailout Special!" Seriously, why the fuck didn't anyone tell me this was going on!?
God-Fucking-Dammit.
Send comments to politics@theonion.com.
I'll Have A Big Slice Of Humble Pie, Please!
POSTED BY: Kendra Davidson, Owner of The Davidson Family Restaurant in Cedar Rapids, IA
Sep 25, 2008, 11:55 am
Oops. I got a little carried away there. Don't know how to remove posts or else I would. I'm sorry. It's just that I get so emotional about politics. What this election is really about is getting this country back on track. And both John McCain and Barack Obama understand that they need Iowa to win the White House and implement their respective visions for change. I know McCain's got a plan to cut the pay of CEOs from those bailed-out investment firms, for instance. Cutting those bloated salaries and fighting corporate greed is really the sort of thing that appeals to the hardworking people of Cedar Rapids!
Cedar Rapids residents like Tip-Top Diner owner Lauretta Kimble. I'm sure McCain's and Obama's platforms really appealed to her. And she's just a super lady to canvass, by the way, considering she's familiar with pretty much every cock in the fine city of Cedar Rapids. Great pick Mr. Obama and Mr. McCain, going with Lauretta and the Tip-Top. Way to get your message out to the vital two-bit-fucking-whores-who-serve-Bisquick-pancakes-and-three-day-old-potato-soup voting bloc instead of the nice families who come to Davidson's to enjoy a hot meal with no frills.
You know what McCain and Obama? Fuck the both of you. Maybe Ralph Nader knows the right place to go for a nice loose-meat sandwich when he's in fucking Cedar Rapids. You both should fucking die.
Send comments to politics@theonion.com.
Obama & McCain Have A "Tip-Top" Time In Cedar Rapids
POSTED BY: Kendra Davidson, Owner of The Davidson Family Restaurant in Cedar Rapids, IA
Sep 25, 2008, 11:50 am
After Bush's proposal for the $700 billion financial bailout, our two candidates have been weighing in on the future of our economy. And because Iowa is once again an important swing state, both candidates have recently been through Cedar Rapids, stopping in at local businesses to try and get the perspective of common citizens on America's financial crisis.
And both of them, God only knows why, stopped at the Tip-Top Diner to glad-hand voters instead of Davidson's Family Restaurant.
Not that where they stopped for lunch matters. Not at all. No, what really matters the most are the issues, and what the two candidates can do for the great state of Iowa and its people. Not to say that I wouldn't have loved to chat with Barack Obama about his universal healthcare plan over some nice corned beef hash, or pick John McCain's brain about his energy policy while he sipped some freshly brewed famous Davidson's coffee—bottomless cups from 7 till noon, by the way.
I understand they were busy getting their message out about rules for the investment firms following the bailout—especially Obama with his 4-point plan to regulate the industry. Still, it would have been nice to sit down and ask them about the issues that are important to us Iowans right here in Iowa.
Or maybe ask them what in blue blazes I'm supposed to do with 250 specially made "McCainwiches," or who in hell is going to buy the 32-ounce Obama-Rama Root Beer Slammer when neither of those assholes ever even set foot in the place. Those are a couple of fucking issues I'd personally like to hear their stances on, because I look like a goddamn fool with this giant goddamn "Welcome Mr. President!!!" banner hanging here.
Fucking pricks. I hope you both fucking die.
Send comments to politics@theonion.com.
