Sam Holtzman

War For The White House Blog

Sam works for the Davis, California Department of Transportation. He lives with his dog, Hunter. Click here to read his posts in order.

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Sam Holtzman

Please, Someone Do Something About Prison Sodomy

POSTED BY: Sam Holtzman, Single Issue Voter

Oct 29, 2008, 4:10 pm

If a candidate doesn't talk about this soon, I may take my own life.

Send comments to politics@theonion.com.

Sam Holtzman

Who's Going To Do Something About Prison Sodomy?

POSTED BY: Sam Holtzman, Single Issue Voter

Oct 29, 2008, 4:00 pm

My fellow Americans, I don't have to tell you that one of the most overlooked crises facing our nation today is the proliferation of prison sexual abuse.

For example: did you know that, according to Human Rights Watch, almost 1 in 20 inmates are sexually abused at the hands of a fellow prisoner? That's 70,000 people. Even assuming those numbers are artificially low due to underreporting, it still means I'm unluckier than 95% of America's federal prisoners.

Obama, McCain: please think of me.

It's just not fair. Those two can't say enough about reforming prisons when it comes to Abu Ghraib or Gitmo. But ask them about the state of prisoners in America, and it's Lock Them Up And Throw Away The Key. When are they going to answer the tough questions?

The main one I have for them is: how to give someone who is already in jail for life a reason to stop attacking you.

We have people here from the Aryan Brotherhood, and even a couple from that crazy group, MS-13. I saw a show on these guys about a year ago, and remember thinking to myself how terrible it is when people are violated against their will. Never in my wildest nightmares did I ever think my thoughts would come back to haunt me like this.

Go on, Obama, talk all you want about our prisoner abuse, and how we are violating the Geneva conventions and Blah, Blah, Blah.

Old Sam Holtzman knows the truth: the real prisoner abuse is right here in America, and it's happening practically every single day now.

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Sam Holtzman

Lawyers Charge Too Much

POSTED BY: Sam Holtzman, Single Issue Voter

Oct 21, 2008, 7:10 pm

Well, folks, things have gotten considerably worse.

Since we last spoke, I have been put in solitary confinement for talking back to one of the guards on the lunch line, and am currently allowed outside only for visits with my lawyer. He keeps telling me that he’s working on my case, but there never seems to be any progress, and meanwhile I’m stuck here rotting in this man-made hell. That is why I’m writing to you today: I think that guy is charging me way too much.

Surely many of my fellow voters have had this experience.

You know the story. Get thrown in jail on some trumped up thing, and when your lawyer finally arrives, he talks to you for two seconds through some humiliating glass window (by his own request, I bet), then leaves for a month and won’t return your phone calls. Not to mention that all the while you can tell he’s embarrassed to be working with you, what with his constant suggestions that you should just get a public defender -- and really, for all you know, he secretly thinks you’re guilty anyway and is probably conspiring against you as you type this.

And we have to pay good money for this?

America’s lawyers have been getting away with this nonsense for too long. Sure, McCain talks tough on tort reform, but what about defense-attorney-responsibility reform? My last bill was five thousand dollars. When is America finally going to help out the little guy? Well, John?

Something must be done about this horrible, horrible mess.

Send comments to politics@theonion.com.

Sam Holtzman

Our Nation's Prisons Are A Shambles

POSTED BY: Sam Holtzman, Single Issue Voter

Oct 07, 2008, 3:21 pm

Life is funny sometimes. One day, you're outside enjoying your freedom at the local courts, taking in a nice game of J.V. ladies' basketball, and then – just like that – you get hauled off to court, convicted of some ridiculous crime* and tossed into some rat trap like a common criminal.

Worst of all is that the two candidates still won't give me the time of day.

What of it, Obama and McCain? Too busy going on about bailouts and Russia and God Knows What to talk about the real issues? When are you going to finally speak out against this injustice?

Believe me, this issue is too important to ignore any longer.

It's true: the conditions here are terrible. I currently live in a 7 x 10 windowless tank with poured concrete furniture. The weight rooms are overcrowded, the food is terrible, cable t.v. is only available if you're 'affiliated,' and for some reason there seems to be a horrific act of violence committed on or around 4 p.m. every day.

Where is the outrage?

The last time I saw someone, I told him I didn't do anything wrong, and he just laughed at me and said, "oh, me too, brother." This place reminds me of Shawshank, except that I don't have skills I can turn into favors from my warden, and also there's no hope of escape.

Why don't Barry and Johnny have the courage to talk about our nation's prisoners? We are 7.2 million strong! We have families and hopes and needs – deep-seated, unquenchable needs – just like the rest of you.

Doesn't anyone care about what happens to me?

I haven't lost my right to vote just yet, gentlemen.

*Statutory rape.

Send comments to politics@theonion.com.

Sam Holtzman

We Must Lower Age-Of-Consent Laws

POSTED BY: Sam Holtzman, Single Issue Voter

Oct 03, 2008, 1:12 pm

Ladies and Gentlemen, I come before you today to write about an issue that is very close to my heart: the reform of age-of-consent legislation.

I know what you're thinking. Sam, this is a third rail issue. You can't touch it. Give up now. Well, I'm here to say† "no."† These adolescents are the most important thing there is. Have you forgotten?

For starters, these laws are based on the crazy idea that the moment you turn 18, you gain the ability to make better decisions than you were making five minutes or seven months or whatever before that. It doesn't add up, to me, and it's insulting to the intelligence of 17-year-olds across this country.

Furthermore, a lot of regular, well-intentioned people get snared up in these laws. Lot of good people. Some states don't even have provisions to mitigate your sentence in case you happen to cough at the exact moment someone was saying their birthday. And just like that, it's 10 years in the slammer. Ten years.

Hear that, McCain? Are you going to acknowledge us now? If not, there are two words you might want to consider: Bristol Palin.

Listen, I have a daughter myself, and though she's not 17 yet, I like to think she has the sense of her older friend, Tiffany, who is 17 and who can make up her own decisions, and there's no two ways about it!

Just think of all the all the responsibility you handled at 17. I myself was doing AP Calculus, regularly shooting a licensed gun, and oh yeah, driving a car. Ask yourself: why does society entrust its so-called children with a two-ton crashing machine, but not their own bodies?

If you have a good answer to this, I will quit my job.

I would like to add that I truly hope Senator Obama was serious about his sex-ed for youths proposal, because if it gets passed, there will be no remaining rationale for these draconian laws. Good luck to you, sir – and shame on you, McCain, for criticizing it.

Until then, let's call these laws what they are: an arbitrary and possibly unconstitutional encroachment by a moralistic, nanny government.

We can do better, America.

Send comments to politics@theonion.com.

Sam Holtzman

Children Are Our Most Precious Natural Resource (Updated)

POSTED BY: Sam Holtzman, Single Issue Voter

Oct 02, 2008, 1:01 pm

With the candidates locked in endless wrangling over the economy, you'd think we'd all forgotten what truly matters: America's children. Specifically, our 16- and 17-year-olds, the most precious and beautiful of them all. I want to know what Obama and McCain plan to do about this issue.

For example, did you know that if you take one of America's most precious resources back to your house for some ice cream even only once, you can get charged with something as serious as kidnapping? Or that, if you do it again, you get put on a registry of people that happen to like having ice cream with friends, and have to tell all of your neighbors about it every time you move?

When are the candidates going to start talking about this?

I understand if Obama and McCain don't think about our nation's children as much as I do. Probably no one does. But for me, it's a passion—some might even call it an obsession. This is why the time for change is now.

All I'm saying is, maybe once, one of the candidates should ask the children what they want. It's a sad state of affairs when I, an unemployed HVAC repairman, am out there almost every day asking our children what they want at my local skate park, mall, and movie theater, and the major candidates for president haven't even done so once.

Children are America's future, and when we spoil their prospects by growing the debt, or destroying the environment, or allowing our children to dress and act however they want to the point that they look like full-grown adults capable of making their own decisions when they're actually only 16 and a half, we are writing a death certificate for our country.

Barack Obama and John McCain: You need to take a long, hard, torturous look at our children right now, or you won't get my vote.

Update at 6:05pm

A friend forwarded me an email just now about an "Invest In Kids" rally to be held just outside of the VP debates tonight. It's going on right now!

A rally to encourage the vice presidential candidates to focus on children's issues during Thursday's debate will be held here Thursday (October 2nd) just before the vice presidential debate.

The rally will take place at the designated vice presidential debate public viewing area, located on the intramural field at the southeast corner of Big Bend Boulevard and Forsyth Boulevard, in the Washington University area. This area is within sight of the Athletic Complex where the debate will take place.

What a wonderful idea, and the name of the group is Every Child Matters. I really wish I could be there to support the children.

Send comments to politics@theonion.com.


Nov 21, 2009