Joad Cressbeckler

Joad Cressbeckler
Crebeckler
Experience:
Shot at least seven men for giving him the stink eye

Reason For Running:
Wants to Rid Washington of flimflam men, hornswogglers, jakes, jukers, and no-good four-flushers

Signature Issue:
Yelling at people

Proudest Accomplishment:
Once punched Teddy Roosevelt square in the mouth

See Full Video Report About Cressbeckler's Campaign:
Watch Now

Key Issues

  • Health Care
    Believes consumption is caused by the devil, polio is caused by impure thoughts.
  • Iraq War
    Would be over there fighting himself if not for his wooden leg, glass eye, and trick back.
  • Abortion
    Hasn't been told this exists for fear of riling him up.
  • Immigration
    One word: Out!
  • Economy
    Advocates dual approach of "quitting your bellyaching" and "finding your own damn gold."
  • Climate
    Believes God has been controlling the weather all along, no need to mess things up.
  • Pakistaniran
    Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!


Jul 03, 2009