Health Care

Health Care
With the price of health insurance on the rise and over 40 million Americans without coverage, health care is one of the top issues on the minds of voters in this election cycle. Below, we provide a summary or direct quote of each candidate's position.

Democrats

Republicans

  • Barack Obama

    Barack Obama

    Promises to reduce cost of health care by demanding private insurance companies stop liking astronomical profits.

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  • Joe Biden

    Joe Biden

    Proposes health care punch card system that would make your fifth visit to the emergency room free.

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  • John McCain

    John McCain

    Supports universal health care for all current and former POWs.

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  • Sarah Palin

    Sarah Palin

    Whatever Mr. McCain thinks is best.

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Third Party Candidates
  • Crebeckler

    Joad Cressbeckler

    Believes consumption is caused by the devil, polio is caused by impure thoughts.

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  • Ralph Nader

    Ralph Nader

    Advocates a plan where everyone is covered under a single payer, then mumbles how this is possible.

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  • Bob Barr

    Bob Barr

    Pro–medical marijuana stance guarantees him solid support among those not registered to vote.

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  • Cynthia McKinney

    Cynthia McKinney

    "You should try something with aloe in it."

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Former Candidates
  • Christopher Dodd

    Christopher Dodd

    "The health care crisis in this country requires an immediate resolution, which is why I strongly reaffirm my support for establishing camps in remote areas of the Dakotas where organs are harvested from the still-living."

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  • BILL richardson

    Bill Richardson

    Would lead a group of Merry Men to Walgreens across the nation, stealing medication from the rich and giving to the poor

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  • Hillary Clinton

    Hillary Clinton

    "I am the only candidate who can claim experience on the issue of health care: an experience of glaring, humiliating failure dating back more than a decade."

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  • John Edwards

    John Edwards

    "So here's what I believe - I believe every American has the right to not be sick because nobody - not your mother, not your neighbor, not your pastor - nobody likes to be sick. So that's the plan. No more sick. And that'll cost about 110 billion dollars a year."

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  • Dennis Kucinich

    Dennis Kucinich

    Believes that every American should be covered by a single payer health care plan that will be administered by magic elves who spread joy and happiness through the world.

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  • Mike Huckabee

    Mike Huckabee

    "I believe that life begins at conception, but doesn't end at birth. It ends on March 27, 2012."

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  • Mitt Romney

    Mitt Romney

    Would take burden of health care out of the hands of the federal government and give states greater power to regulate coverage. Would then run for governor of each state, win, and give everyone health care.

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  • Rudy

    Rudy Giuliani

    Supports universal health care for everyone except his bitch ex-wives.

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  • Fred Thompson

    Fred Thompson

    "Every American should have access to the best health care or at least be told about it by their rich friends."

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  • Ron Paul

    Ron Paul

    As a physician himself, and a fervent believer in individual self-determination, advocates just toughing it out with a rag in your mouth.

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Nov 20, 2009