Iraq War

Hillary Clinton

"I would never have voted for the war had we known it would become unpopular."

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Barack Obama

Will have American soldiers tell the Iraqi soldiers that they're just going out for some smokes, and then sneak back home to America.

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John McCain

"The United States should no longer act as the world's police but instead as the world's stripper, dressed as the police."

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Ron Paul

Opposes it for some complicated libertarian reason best explained in a rambling, discursive way by your office I.T. guy.

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Christopher Dodd

Opposes it. Original vote for the war was just Dodd goofing around.

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Joe Biden

Would partition country into three sectarian regions, wait 28 years, then tear down partitions in triumph for democracy.

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Bill Richardson

Known for his fiscal responsibility, would immediately offset the cost of the Iraq war with a 53,000% increase in the cost of postage stamps.

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John Edwards

Opposed latest troop surge and would seek to withdraw troops within 18 months of President Hillary Clinton's first term.

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Dennis Kucinich

Supports unconditional surrender.

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Mike Huckabee

Supports God's decision to tell Bush to invade.

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Mitt Romney

Would unite warring religious factions by deploying over 100,000 Books of Mormon to the nation's most fractious regions.

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Rudy Giuliani

Plans to stick it out until he finds a prettier, younger country to invade.

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Fred Thompson

Can do a pretty good Cheney.

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