The Election: How It Works
As Abraham Lincoln once said, "This precious thing, this dream, this democratic process is a total clusterfuck." The Onion's War For the White House team explains the history, context, and facts behind the American electoral system.
Understanding The Election Map
Nov 05, 2008, 11:18 am
A state-by-state breakdown of how the nation cast its ballots this Election Day
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Nov 04, 2008, 1:54 pm
Here's a look at how Americans who abstained from the democratic process spent their Election Day.
 Cecilly Savapolous of Detroit, MI pulls a lever all damn day for work, and isn't gonna take time off just to do it at the community center. |
 Tom Hauser of Bend, OR compensated for not participating in the election by catching the last half of Primary Colors on TNT. |
 Harrison Lladre wishes they had told him that an illegal immigrant with a long criminal record isn't allowed to vote before he waited in that long ass line. |
 Sheila Henderson decided it wasn't worth bothering with the nation's future after some goddamn kids ripped off her car antenna. |
 Obama campaign worker Alex Nathans spent 52 minutes in a McDonald's bathroom to cover up for the fact that he never registered to vote. |
 Pvt. Travis Boyer of Tulsa, OK was too busy decomposing on the floor of an abandoned Iraqi safe-house to vote on Tuesday. |
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Nov 04, 2008, 11:48 am
- 8:01am Rufus Watkins of Mobile, Alabama was turned away from the polls after failing to recall the middle names of all 43 U.S. presidents
- 10:17am Dr. Monopoly Pumpernickel of Boise, ID was not allowed to vote after it was revealed that he was nothing more than three small children in a large overcoat
- 11:54am Tired of all these fancy suppression tricks, Republican poll worker Bob Lukin took a box of Obama ballots out back and set them on fire
- 1:45am Jim Sadberry, 36, was barred from the polling station in the Dutchess County Elementary School gymnasium after loudly attempting to get a game of pickup basketball going
- 3:20am Helen Meyer's vote was suppressed Tuesday when her husband gave her a stern look moments before she entered the voting booth
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Nov 04, 2008, 9:38 am
- 7:10am Christopher Nathans, 18, cast an informed vote for president and half-a-dozen ignorant votes for mayor, governor, county sheriff, and some ballot initiative about term limits or banks or something
- 8:53am Steven Spring of Charlotte, NC voted for Obama due to the fact he could never support a candidate whose last name rhymes with "Hussein"
- 10:30am Mary Lynn Hauser of Poughkeepsie, NY quickly voted for John McCain and then ran her ballot to the ballot box before she had a chance to change her mind
- 12:17pm Simon Phillon of Short Hills, NJ broke a decades-old promise never to return to "that hellhole Hartshorn Elementary" when he voted today
- 12:57pm In order to extend her lunch break an extra half hour, Maria Gomez of San Bernardino, CA pretended to feel conflicted for a while before ultimately pulling the lever for Barack Obama
- 2:27pm Tom Goodman of Gresham, OR voted for John McCain, but only to spite his friends and family
- 4:13pm Undecided voter Allison Blackmore has been in that damn booth since 8 a.m.
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Republican Convention Official Partners
Sep 03, 2008, 9:00 am
The following is a selection of official sponsors and vendors to the Republican National Convention:
- Vlasic Pickles: This official provider of pickles ensures that if a Republican wants a pickle at anytime during the convention, he or she can get a pickle.
- Halliburton: Just handing out pens. That's all. Just providing some nice pens to some nice people.
- Chili's Restaurant: Proud sponsor of good times, great friends, and bill H.R. 2358, which affords law enforcement agencies the right to detain terror suspects without access to an attorney for up to three months.
- Smith & Wesson: Supplying handguns to each delegate upon entering the Xcel Energy Center.
- Prodigy: Official Internet Service Provider.
- Earl "Soupy" McGill: Official homeless penis-exposer outside the RNC venue.
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Memorable Moments From Past Republican Conventions:
Sep 02, 2008, 3:13 pm
- 1864: Unable to think of anything to say, Abraham Lincoln goes ahead and delivers the Gettysburg address again.
- 1904: Theodore Roosevelt saves the lives of hundreds of delegates by expertly shooting a pair of enraged white rhinos that had burst through the doors of the Chicago Coliseum.
- 1912: William Howard Taft easily secures the Republican nomination, forcing organizers to rethink the pie-eating-contest nominating paradigm.
- 1928: Herbert Hoover wows the crowd of supporters by waving to each and every one of them.
- 1940: The Republican National Convention is broadcast live on television for the first time, interrupting a Milton Berle sketch about two donkeys.
- 1992: The Republican National Convention in Houston somehow grosses $2.9 million for each attendee.
- 1996: Confetti enters the inner workings of Bob Dole's antiquated gear shafts, clogging the system, and causing the nominee to permanently lose control of his left hand
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Republican Convention Safety Measures
Sep 01, 2008, 7:00 am
The Republican convention has been deemed a "national special security event." Minneapolis-St. Paul will receive $50 million in federal funds to cover security expenditures. How does the city plan to spend it?
- Heightened secrecy surrounding the exact times and locations of confetti drops.
- Prohibition against large crowds gathered inside arenas.
- A new crowd-control microwave ray designed not to instantly disintegrate hundreds of innocent bystanders into a quivering mass of liquefied flesh.
- Minneapolis hotels will install locks on room doors for the first time ever.
- Training of specialized, dissent-sniffing police dogs.
- Super-duper racial profiling.
- 37-year-old Stanley Warwick of Minneapolis will not be permitted to attend because that wack-job is just the type to shoot up a convention hall.
- Delegates are not be allowed to bring in anything larger caliber than a 9mm.
- Giving defense contractors all $50 million to do whatever they feel like to protect the convention.
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Minneapolis: Recommended Sights And Activities
Aug 29, 2008, 2:45 pm
With thousands expected to descend on Minneapolis-St. Paul, The Onion has selected several local attractions and activities for visiting delegates and press.
- Walker Art Center: Highly regarded as the upper Midwest's finest parking venue.
- Bandana Square: A shopping center that features the beautiful Twin City Model.
- Railroad Club Museum, currently the single most popular spot in America to wish for death.
- Engraved with the saying, "He's gonna make it after all," this statue of John McCain on Seventh Street depicts the smiling Vietnam veteran struggling in his attempt to toss his cap in the air.
- Minnesota Central Library: Filled with a million books worthy of banning, censoring, and burning.
- There's probably a historic carousel or something?
- Why not take a day trip from Minneapolis to St. Paul, or vice versa?
- Xcel Energy Center: Discover what the fuck the NLL is by snooping around the Minnesota Swarm's locker room.
- The Twin Cities region boasts the brownest stretch of the Mississippi River.
- The Whittier neighborhood of Minneapolis is home to the site of the house where Linus Van Pelt of the beloved "Peanuts" comic strip died of congenital heart failure in 1997.
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Democratic Convention Official Partners
Aug 27, 2008, 11:29 am
The following is a selection of official sponsors and vendors to the Democratic National Convention.
- Pepsi Fountain Drinks: Official provider of Barack Obama's favorite beverage: a 32 ounce Big Gulp combining Pepsi, Mountain Dew, root beer, Cherry Pepsi, cream soda, and Sierra Mist.
- denver.craigslist.org: Official black metal futon frame provider to anyone who can come pick it up this weekend.
- Microsoft: Bringing some Verizon XV6900s on the off chance that thousands of iPhones suddenly malfunction during the height of the convention.
- HillaryEdwards2008.com: Bought this ad space for DNC in mid-2007; non-refundable.
- Pop Secret: Official microwaveable popcorn provider.
- Jiffy Pop: Official stovetop popcorn provider.
- Mancuso's Body Shop: Official provider of fliers on windshields of every car in convention venue parking lot.
- Volkswagen, Birkenstock and Starbucks: Official providers of the effete liberal caricature's cars, footwear, and lattes.
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Memorable Moments From Past Democratic Conventions:
Aug 26, 2008, 12:48 pm
- 1832: Andrew Jackson secures the Democratic nomination at the first-ever convention by tearing out the heart of a Choctaw warrior right on stage.
- 1864: The Democrats nominate Horatio Seymour as the party's candidate, which turns out to be a real bonehead move considering that he didn't wind up winning the presidency.
- 1944: Franklin D. Roosevelt doesn't even bother to show up this time.
- 1964: Robert Kennedy receives a 22-minute standing ovation while introducing a short film in honor of his late brother. The film is cut due to time constraints.
- 1968: The DNC ignites several clashes between Chicago police and Vietnam War protesters such as the Yippies, as well as several lesser-known anti-war groups including the Piffles, the Zip-Zops, the Fizzlers, and the Students for a Democratic Society.
- 1972: The DNC is held in Miami Beach over three days, two nights, six nightclubs, and four beaches before ending up in the basement of some Cuban restaurant at 5 a.m.
- 1992: Bill Clinton joins Fleetwood Mac onstage while they play his campaign theme song, "Don't Stop." Clinton appears comfortable despite his tumultuous affair with Stevie Nicks in the 1970s and his creative differences with Lindsey Buckingham during the Rumours sessions that nearly forced Clinton to quit the band.
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