The Election: How It Works
As Abraham Lincoln once said, "This precious thing, this dream, this democratic process is a total clusterfuck." The Onion's War For the White House team explains the history, context, and facts behind the American electoral system.
Democratic Convention Safety Measures
Aug 25, 2008, 12:00 pm
The Democratic convention has been deemed a "national special security event." Denver will receive $50 million in federal funds to cover security expenditures. How does the city plan to spend it?
- Heightened secrecy surrounding the exact times and locations of confetti drops.
- Hillary given $11 and told to go see any movie she wants.
- Undercover cops pose as regular citizens and casually ask bystanders, "So, you wouldn't happen to be planning Obama's assassination would you?"
- Prohibition against large crowds gathered inside arenas.
- Super-duper racial profiling.
- Denver Broncos only allowed to practice running plays while Barack Obama gives his acceptance speech at Invesco Field at Mile High.
- Training of specialized, dissent-sniffing police dogs.
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DNC: Recommended Sights And Activities
Aug 22, 2008, 2:00 pm
With thousands expected to descend on Denver, The Onion has selected some local attractions and activities we think visiting delegates and press will enjoy.
- Larimer Sq: In downtown Denver, Larimer Square is known for its local boutiques, trendy restaurants, and for almost—almost—being kind of like San Francisco.
- The Denver Cheesecake Factory: Though it has the same menu as the nation's other Cheesecake factories, Denver's was actually the 14th one to open.
- Colfax Ave: Here, visitors can find a number of accommodating ladies who, for a reasonable fee, will pretend to be turned on by an environmentally conscious voting record.
- The American Flag & Crucifix Museum: For those DNC attendees who need to be reminded of good old-fashioned American values, look no further than this Colorado Springs museum, which includes hundreds of American flags and figures of Christ nailed to the crucifix, and a few of Christ nailed to the flag.
- Rocky Mountains: Do mountain stuff like looking around and horseback fishing.
- Barack Obama: Whether you're thinking about Barack Obama, standing outside Barack Obama's hotel, or pretending to have a conversation with Barack Obama, Barack Obama will be all you want to do in Denver!
- Red Rocks Amphitheatre: This natural structure was formed over the course of 250 million years by the slow collision of the great plains with the Rocky Mountains. Now you can see Carlos Mencia here.
- Denver Union Stockyards: Each guest on this popular tour gets to try his or her hand at slaughtering a variety of hoofed mammals.
- Also, pretty much all the same shit that was there back in 1908 during Denver's last Democratic National Convention.
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Apr 11, 2008, 11:52 am
The State
- Pennsylvania and Ohio are usually compared to one another because they are both key hellhole states.
- While the area's steel industry has struggled financially in recent years, it still wields a certain amount of influence over delegates who are suspended above vats of molten lead.
- Pennsylvania has 188 Democratic delegates up for grabs, down from 211 following a tragic mine collapse in 2005.
- Philadelphia, the state's largest city, is famous for its delicious, disgusting, delicious food.
- Pennsylvania's late-April primary has traditionally been symbolic of the goddamn primary season almost being over.
The Candidates
- Hillary Clinton has surged ahead in the polls in Fayette County, PA, after admitting to residents that it has been her dream since she was a little girl to win more votes than her competitor in Fayette County.
- After talking with unemployed voters in Allentown, Hillary Clinton vowed to go home and listen to the Billy Joel song a lot more closely.
- Hillary Clinton solidified her lead among blue-collar workers when she defeated a steam-powered machine in a steel-drivin' contest.
- Although Clinton was recently called out for lying about dodging sniper fire in Bosnia, the people of the Appalachia backwoods will likely be more than willing to provide her with this valuable experience.
- Barack Obama slipped in the polls when he traveled to Harrisburg and gave his now-infamous 30-minute "What is that God-awful smell?" speech.
- Obama has spent the past two weeks paving and repairing a 20-mile stretch of I-80 so he can get to his next campaign stop.
- Polls show that Obama has done well with undecided voters in Pennsylvania, though he continues to struggle with voters who have made up their minds.
- Obama has attempted to appeal to Pennsylvania's working class by donning a specially made, all-denim, Brooks Brother's power suit.
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Election Process: March 4 Primary
Mar 02, 2008, 11:50 am
- Since the 1960s, Texas has been responsible for executing more presidents than any other state.
- Now that John McCain has almost certainly sewn up the Republican nomination, he will spend the next four months of primaries sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber filled with antioxidant-fortified pomegranate juice.
- Texas is just darn proud to be a part of this here election, even with a little lady and a negra.
- Known for its antiquated primary-selection process, Texas still holds a scavenger hunt for delegates hidden all over the state.
- Following the Ohio primary, all candidates will be airlifted the hell out of Ohio.
- Hillary Clinton drummed up support in Vermont when she visited the state and bathed nude in the rain with the locals.
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Election Process: Super Tuesday
Jan 31, 2008, 11:56 am
The History
- Historically, Super Tuesday falls on a Friday.
- As always, Super Tuesday will fall the day after Overhyped Build-Up Monday and the day before Giant Letdown Wednesday, which precedes Remember All That Stuff Last Tuesday? Thursday.
- Super Tuesday was upgraded to Super-Duper Tuesday in 2008 when a number of state governments decided to pay only 39 cents more.
- While originally only eight states were scheduled to hold their primaries on Super Tuesday, everyone agreed that didn't seem quite super enough, so they threw in an extra few shitty states.
- New Hampshire came under fire in 2004 for trying to sneak in a second primary amidst the Super Tuesday hoopla.
The Size
- This Super Tuesday is supposed to be the largest to date, with an astounding 57 states holding primaries and an additional 39 holding caucuses.
- Some critics see the primacy of the Super Tuesday primaries as a negative influence on the electoral process, saying that as Super Tuesday has grown, it has drawn disproportionate influence away from the only two relevant states in the nation, New Hampshire and Iowa.
- Because of the Writers Guild Strike, instead of the raucous ceremony that usually accompanies Super Tuesday, representatives from each state will calmly walk up to the podium, announce their state's victor, and then quietly sit back down.
- In Alaska Super Tuesday coincides with Hey, What About Alaska? Day.
- Hillary Clinton shocked the political world by calling first dibs and no backsies on all 24 Super Tuesday states, the first time this has been attempted since William Howard Taft tried it in 1912.
- The consolidating effect of Super Tuesday allows everyone to get the whole presidential election process over and done with in time for Valentine's Day.
The Impact
- Depending on the outcome of Super Tuesday, New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg will either announce that he's running for president as a third-party candidate or that he's passing a law requiring all New Yorkers to get mandatory monthly cholesterol checks.
- Gives disproportionate advantage to candidates able to canvass 28 states simultaneously.
- On this Super Tuesday, it is conceivable that a lady might win.
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Election Process: South Carolina
Jan 21, 2008, 2:16 pm
Throughout its history, South Carolina has been a critical state during elections, with at least one candidate involved in its primaries going on to win the presidency. This year, three Democratic candidates will fiercely compete for the state’s 54 delegates, while Joe Biden stands around and watches. Race will likely play a key role in this primary: Over 50% of South Carolina voters are African-American, giving a considerable advantage to Hillary Clinton and the black half of Barack Obama. On the other hand, 0.0% of the voters are Native Hawaiian/Pacific Islanders, slightly worsening Dennis Kucinich’s chances. Although Hillary and Obama remain the favorites, experts point out that nearly 75% of South Carolina citizens are cousins of John Edwards.
While South Carolina is known for its racist legacy of slavery and segregation, history indicates that wrapping one’s naked body in an oversize Confederate flag during all public appearances does not necessarily ensure victory, as John Kerry finished second with just 30% of the vote in 2004.
More About South Carolina
- For a short time after the Civil War, African-Americans residing in South Carolina were allowed only 3/5ths of a vote in general elections, 3/10ths of a vote in primaries, and 3/20ths of a campaign button
- Historically, most South Carolina citizens remain undecided until the day of the primary, at which point they vote for candidate with the least-foreign sounding name
- Look for John Edwards to use his intimate knowledge of the state’s best swimmin’ holes, hollers, and fried-catfish shacks to his advantage
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