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Archive Feature

Sports

Olympic mascot Izzy is at it again! When he's not appearing in corporate product placements, he's teaching kids worldwide that America has no cultural identity!

Sports

Royals pitcher Bob Reed hurled a no-hitter Monday, greatly increasing his chances of obtaining sexual favors this week in the Kansas City metropolitan area.

Dog People, Cat People

An Onion Play In Two Acts

CASTSTEVE, a lean, handsome man in his early 30s who works as a loan officer.MELANIE, a petite, cute woman in her late 20s who works as a bank teller.PETER, the president of Consolidated ...

Drunk Of The Week

MITCH MELUM

Alcohol is EVIL! Congratulations to The Onion’sDRUNK of the WEEKMITCH MELUMMitch earned his place among Madison’s most honored drunks by head-butting an innocent Onion Operative.

Cultural Idiocy Quiz

Magazine Mania

DIRECTIONS: Name the magazine in which these features appear:1. “Picks & Pans”2. “Humor In Uniform”3.

Sonic Booms

Out of Sight, Out of MindMDID(Scat)First, MDID is a one-man band that’s been recording since 1985.
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Pet Eligibles

Critters Who Need Good Homes

Maggie, a six-year old Australian Shepherd mix, has an unbelievable tongue that's eager to lick gravy off anything; maybe even you! Loves kids. Max, a three-year-old tabby, was given up recently by his owner. Perfect for medical experiments requiring animals with iron constitutions and high pain thresholds.

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