Archive
Vietnam Vets Admit War Wasn't That Bad
After more than two decades of describing the Vietnam War as a “living hell,” and an “endless, indescribable horror beyond all words,” America’s Vietnam ...
Inner-City High School Installs Ticking Time Bomb As Living Metaphor
CHICAGO—An armed bomb carrying enough C-4 plastic explosive to create a crater the size of one city block has been installed somewhere in George ...
Middle-Class Suburbanites Fail to See Irony in Their Lives
Princeton University’s renowned Institute for Advanced Studies revealed yesterday that the middle class, known to French social theorists as the “petit-bourgeoisie,” failed in over ...
NASA Nears Completion of $80 Trillion Earth Sock
Amid much fanfare, NASA officials unveiled the first satellite photos of the nearly completed Earth Sock yesterday at Cape Canaveral.
Enraged Gorilla Beats, Maims Luggage Manufacturer
Still furious over his inability to inflict damage upon numerous pieces of high-quality Samsonite luggage many years ago, Bobo the Gorilla severely pummeled Samsonite CEO ...
Billionaires Demand More Federal Scrutiny
WASHINGTON, DC—In impassioned testimony before the U.S. Congress yesterday, a delegation of 30 billionaires demanded more federal scrutiny over their high-powered business dealings ...
Nine Drawn and Quartered at Renaissance Fair
RICHMOND, VA—Nine people were torn limb-from-limb and skewered through the anus with wooden stakes this weekend at the city’s annual Renaissance Fair.
Bosnian Child Makes Fun Art Project with Mother's Skull
TUZLA—It’s no fun being stuck inside the house all weekend because your town is getting shelled. Especially when you’re an energetic young ...
Congress Hires Drummer
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a decisive 376-45 vote last Friday, the United States Congress hired drummer Joey Lombardo, a professional percussionist with years of studio ...
New Study: Books Don't Take You Anywhere
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Despite the insistence of librarians and elementary school teachers that books give readers a chance to “travel to exciting new places” and ...
Hobo Clown Slaughters Pig Sidekick
Hobo clown Moocher the Tramp led a life similar to that of any hobo clown: riding the rails, begging for hand-outs of food and clothing ...
University Purchased by Menacing Baron
ITHACA, NY (AP)—This is a translation of just one of the verses which will replace Cornell University’s current fight song when Baron Kurt ...
Crazy Rat Will Do Anything To Survive
As the saying goes, you can’t keep a good man down. Or, in this case, a good rat! Despite pesticides, traps, flooding, a constant ...
Hip New Alternative Band Has One-Word, One-Syllable Name
SEATTLE (UPI)—A hot recording by what listeners describe as a hip new alternative band was discovered yesterday by the staff of a local radio ...
Police to Pillage, Terrify Community
‘Operation Psycho Pig Rampage’ to Begin Tonight
LOS ANGELES (AP)—Citing revenge for what they bill a consistently deteriorating support base and general lack of appreciation, area police are gearing up to ...
Drunken Man Makes Interesting Point About Society
A local drunken man made an interesting point about society late last night, incisively commenting on the U.S.
Chess Prodigy Gives Up Game After Getting Laid
To 14-year-old Milton Hervishbolt, the thrill of an efficient checkmate used to be the most rousing bodily sensation imaginable.A pawn promotion for a last-second ...
