Troubled Teen Chooses Drugs Over Hug

ISSUE 29•03 | 01.29.96 | Archive

Vietnam Vets Admit War Wasn't That Bad

ISSUE 29•03 | 01.29.96 | Archive

After more than two decades of describing the Vietnam War as a “living hell,” and an “endless, indescribable horror beyond all words,” America’s Vietnam veterans finally admitted yesterday that the war was, in fact, “not that bad.”“Contrary to what we hav... more»

Inner-City High School Installs Ticking Time Bomb As Living Metaphor

ISSUE 29•03 | 01.29.96 | Archive

CHICAGO—An armed bomb carrying enough C-4 plastic explosive to create a crater the size of one city block has been installed somewhere in George Washington Carver High School on the south side of Chicago. more»

Middle-Class Suburbanites Fail to See Irony in Their Lives

ISSUE 29•02 | 01.22.96 | Archive

Princeton University’s renowned Institute for Advanced Studies revealed yesterday that the middle class, known to French social theorists as the “petit-bourgeoisie,” failed in over 98 percent of measured cases to notice the inherent irony in their lives. more»

NASA Nears Completion of $80 Trillion Earth Sock

ISSUE 29•02 | 01.22.96 | Archive

Amid much fanfare, NASA officials unveiled the first satellite photos of the nearly completed Earth Sock yesterday at Cape Canaveral. more»

Enraged Gorilla Beats, Maims Luggage Manufacturer

ISSUE 29•02 | 01.22.96 | Archive

Still furious over his inability to inflict damage upon numerous pieces of high-quality Samsonite luggage many years ago, Bobo the Gorilla severely pummeled Samsonite CEO Frank Jurgens into a life-threatening coma yesterday. more»

Billionaires Demand More Federal Scrutiny

ISSUE 29•01 | 01.15.96 | Archive

WASHINGTON, DC—In impassioned testimony before the U.S. Congress yesterday, a delegation of 30 billionaires demanded more federal scrutiny over their high-powered business dealings and vast capital assets.“As the nation’s ultra-elite overclass, we billion... more»

Nine Drawn and Quartered at Renaissance Fair

ISSUE 28•18 | 12.18.95 | Archive

RICHMOND, VA—Nine people were torn limb-from-limb and skewered through the anus with wooden stakes this weekend at the city’s annual Renaissance Fair. more»

Bosnian Child Makes Fun Art Project with Mother's Skull

ISSUE 28•18 | 12.18.95 | Archive

TUZLA—It’s no fun being stuck inside the house all weekend because your town is getting shelled. Especially when you’re an energetic young girl who loves to play soccer and run relay races. more»

Congress Hires Drummer

ISSUE 28•17 | 12.11.95 | Archive

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a decisive 376-45 vote last Friday, the United States Congress hired drummer Joey Lombardo, a professional percussionist with years of studio and touring experience. more»

New Study: Books Don't Take You Anywhere

ISSUE 28•17 | 12.11.95 | Archive

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Despite the insistence of librarians and elementary school teachers that books give readers a chance to “travel to exciting new places” and “journey to distant exotic lands,” a study re-leased by the Department of Education yesterday reve... more»

Hobo Clown Slaughters Pig Sidekick

ISSUE 28•16 | 12.04.95 | Archive

Hobo clown Moocher the Tramp led a life similar to that of any hobo clown: riding the rails, begging for hand-outs of food and clothing, scavenging for over-sized novelty shoes in trash heaps and entertaining young and old alike.What made Moocher differen... more»

University Purchased by Menacing Baron

ISSUE 28•16 | 12.04.95 | Archive

ITHACA, NY (AP)—This is a translation of just one of the verses which will replace Cornell University’s current fight song when Baron Kurt Von Gottsblüdiner takes over possession of the college on January 1, 1996. more»

Crazy Rat Will Do Anything To Survive

ISSUE 28•14 | 11.13.95 | Archive

As the saying goes, you can’t keep a good man down. Or, in this case, a good rat! Despite pesticides, traps, flooding, a constant lack of food and the universal hatred of almost all other life forms, Tootho the Rat just refuses to die! more»

Hip New Alternative Band Has One-Word, One-Syllable Name

ISSUE 28•14 | 11.13.95 | Archive

SEATTLE (UPI)—A hot recording by what listeners describe as a hip new alternative band was discovered yesterday by the staff of a local radio station, exciting numerous area music listeners. more»

Police to Pillage, Terrify Community

ISSUE 28•13 | 11.06.95 | Archive

LOS ANGELES (AP)—Citing revenge for what they bill a consistently deteriorating support base and general lack of appreciation, area police are gearing up to get even with the community this evening. more»

Drunken Man Makes Interesting Point About Society

ISSUE 28•13 | 11.06.95 | Archive

A local drunken man made an interesting point about society late last night, incisively commenting on the U.S. more»

Chess Prodigy Gives Up Game After Getting Laid

ISSUE 28•13 | 11.06.95 | Archive

To 14-year-old Milton Hervishbolt, the thrill of an efficient checkmate used to be the most rousing bodily sensation imaginable.A pawn promotion for a last-second Queen assault used to stoke the fire of life’s passion. more»