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Asteroid To Destroy Earth

Onion News Network To Broadcast Planet's Final Moments NEW YORK, NY (September 29, 2011) - With a giant asteroid expected to hit Earth on October 4th, the Onion News Network has announced it will continue broadcasting until the moment the planet is...

ONION NEWS NETWORK LAUNCHES NEW TV CHANNEL FOR THE POOR

"Onion Destitute Channel" Will Cater To Growing Demographic Of Americans Living In Poverty NEW YORK, NY (September 15, 2011) - Following this week's report from the U.S. Census Bureau that more Americans than ever are living below the pov...

Message From The Mayor

A special message from Mayor Sue Hallinan: "Just wanted to let folks know that there's going to be a whole bunch of commotion down at Tuffy's this evening as several members of the national press will be in town. In case you haven't heard, our boy T...

The TuckScreen: Historical Documents Show Dream's Decline

People began to give up on the American Dream almost from the time it was created. Below, a letter from a riverboat porter written in 1901 shows some of the earliest written documentation of an American saying, "Fuck it, what's the point?" The ...

The Daily Bump: The Heigl Film Deluge

Following this week's freak release of 34 Heigl films, Sony executives were quick to remind the public that the widespread hospitalizations were a result of the sheer amount of Heigl to which the public was exposed.

U-Say: Washington Meets With Real America

After years of rising tensions, representatives of Washington and Real America have finally entered diplomatic talks. Here’s what some of our viewers had to say about the summit: "These talks are only between low-level diplomats. If these gro...

The Daily Bump: America Loves Zeljko!

As soon as OBC announced that "Former Warlord" star Zeljko Goran had successfully avoided being extradited to the Hague to stand trial for war crimes, the emails started flooding in.

What Do U-Say About Mike Brant?

Messages of support for GOP candidate Mike Brant have been flooding our inbox. Here's a small sampling: "We don't need leaders who went to good schools or have experience in government or can name their own state's capitol. We need leaders like Mik...

Take The Comic Sans Test

Researchers at the Princeton University Center for Brain, Mind, and Comic Sans have made major breakthroughs in discovering why the Comic Cans font is so funny.

OSN's March Madness Dump Your Girlfriend Contest!

Want to party with OSN at the Final Four? Feeling ambivalent about your ladyfriend? Well get ready to humiliate two birds with one stone! Grab your camcorder, Flip, camera phone or other video recording device, train it on your girlfriend and dump the chi...

Fish Murder Is Disgusting And Wrong

Hey folks, real grim Inside the Bench this week on a horrifying subculture of athletes that dare to lure fish in with sharpened hooks designed to look like worms or flies.

Cindy Halcombe And The The Cindy E-Zone

As part of the continuing agreement between the Onion Sports Network and ex-intern Cindy Halcombe, here is a court-mandated guest post written by Halcombe. Hi everyone! Cindy Halcombe here with my quarterly blogpost. Really should have had my lawyers figh...

Pennington Gay Pride Day - Schedule Of Events

8:00 AM: The Gay Pride Planning Committee (Mayor Sue Hallinan, Nurse Jill, Megan, Ashley Pottsdale, and the Trapper Twins) invites you to the Kroger parking lot to help decorate the gay floats and assemble balloon rainbows. 11:00 ...

Quiz: Is Your Weight Keeping You From Getting Drunk?

This blog entry is reprinted with permission from the Department of Health and Human Services. Studies show an individual with a BMI of more than 30 needs six shots of premium grade vodka to feel even mildly buzzed, whereas someone with a BMI betwe...

Obama's Life In Captivity

A document leaked to the internet earlier today, supposedly containing the results of Obama's first interview with FBI agents, contains numerous new details about the president's life of solitude.

The New VP Uniform

The Office of the Vice President released these photos of the new uniform designed for and by Joe Biden:
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Message From The Mayor

A special message from Mayor Sue Hallinan: "Just wanted to let folks know that there's going to be a whole bunch of commotion down at Tuffy's this evening as several members of the national press will be in town. In case you haven't heard, our boy T...

The TuckScreen: Historical Documents Show Dream's Decline

People began to give up on the American Dream almost from the time it was created. Below, a letter from a riverboat porter written in 1901 shows some of the earliest written documentation of an American saying, "Fuck it, what's the point?" The ...

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