Blog

Download K'Ronikka's Single 'Booty Wave' Now

ISSUE 47•49 | 12.12.11 | Blog

Click here to download Booty Wave. more»
Man In Coma Enters GOP Race, Already Polling Ahead Of Romney

ISSUE 47•42 | 10.17.11 | Blog

New York, NY—In a dramatic turn for the 2012 presidential race, comatose former congressman John Clarkson threw his hat into the ring for the Republican nomination today... more»
Obama Seeks Approval Of 'Occupy Wall Street' Protestors By Punching Banker In The Face

ISSUE 47•43 | 10.12.11 | Blog

Early Polls Indicate 44% of Respondents Saying "It's about damn time" and 32% Wishing For A Kick Instead of Punch NEW YORK, NY (October 12, 2011) - Apparently seeking to ride the wave of popular anger being expressed by the growing ... more»
Asteroid To Destroy Earth

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.29.11 | Blog

Onion News Network To Broadcast Planet's Final Moments NEW YORK, NY (September 29, 2011) - With a giant asteroid expected to hit Earth on October 4th, the Onion News Network has announced it will continue broadcasting until the moment the planet is... more»
ONION NEWS NETWORK POLL FINDS MAJORITY OF AMERICANS WILL VOTE FOR ASHTON KUTCHER IN 2012

ISSUE 47•38 | 09.22.11 | Blog

NEW YORK, NY – September 22, 2012 – Following record-breaking ratings for Ashton Kutcher's premiere on CBS's Two And A Half Men this week, a s... more»
ONION NEWS NETWORK LAUNCHES NEW TV CHANNEL FOR THE POOR

ISSUE 47•37 | 09.15.11 | Blog

"Onion Destitute Channel" Will Cater To Growing Demographic Of Americans Living In Poverty NEW YORK, NY (September 15, 2011) - Following this week's report from the U.S. Census Bureau that more Americans than ever are living below the pov... more»
ONION NEWS NETWORK TO AIR GOV. RICK PERRY'S FIRST PUBLIC EXECUTION

ISSUE 47•36 | 09.08.11 | Blog

Perry To Make Executing Prisoners Central Campaign Theme NEW YORK, NY (SEPTEMBER 8, 2011) - In response to the raucous applause he received for proudly defending his record of executing 234 inmates during his time as Governor of Texas at last nig... more»
ONION NEWS NETWORK LANDS FIRST INTERVIEW WITH BEYONCE'S BABY

ISSUE 47•36 | 08.31.11 | Blog

Network To Air Exclusive Pre-Natal Interview With Singer's Fetus New York, NY (August 31, 2011) - Just days after the announcement of pop megastar Beyonce Knowles' pregnancy took tabloids and celebrity gossip websites by storm, the Onion News Netwo... more»
THE ONION NEWS NETWORK CLAIMS RESPONSIBILITY FOR EAST COAST EARTHQUAKE AND HURRICANE

ISSUE 47•36 | 08.26.11 | Blog

New York, NY (August 25, 2011) - Natural disasters are sweeping the East Coast of our great nation: An Earthquake struck Tuesday afternoon in Virginia, and a hurricane is currently making its way north from Florida. more»
Introducing The Onion News Network's 'Motorcycle! Motorcycle! Motorcycle!'

ISSUE 47•12 | 03.25.11 | Blog

Motorcycle! Motorcycle! Motorcycle! is a fast-paced news and current affairs program devoted to bringing you the latest need-to-know information about awesome motorcycles. more»
Anti-Gay Protesters Turn Out In Florida

ISSUE 47•12 | 03.25.11 | Blog

Protesters in Florida waved signs decrying gay adoption for subjecting the children of same-sex parents to horrible, bigoted protesters like themselves. more»
The TuckScreen: Historical Documents Show Dream's Decline

ISSUE 47•12 | 03.25.11 | Blog

People began to give up on the American Dream almost from the time it was created. Below, a letter from a riverboat porter written in 1901 shows some of the earliest written documentation of an American saying, "Fuck it, what's the point?" The ... more»
Message From The Mayor

ISSUE 47•12 | 03.25.11 | Blog

A special message from Mayor Sue Hallinan: "Just wanted to let folks know that there's going to be a whole bunch of commotion down at Tuffy's this evening as several members of the national press will be in town. In case you haven't heard, our boy T... more»
A Closer Look At Biden's New Bodyguards

ISSUE 47•12 | 03.25.11 | Blog

Earlier this week Vice President Joe Biden replaced his traditional Secret Service detail with a team of sexy female bodyguards. more»
Help Jeff Gordon Learn To Read

ISSUE 47•12 | 03.25.11 | Blog

Race car driver, Jeff Gordon's new charity organization, Zoom Through Reading, aims to teach Jeff Gordon to read. more»
Damaged Women's Coalition Releases Statement

ISSUE 47•12 | 03.25.11 | Blog

The Damaged Women's Coalition released this statement denying that they marched on the Capitol Friday at 2 a.m. more»
The Daily Bump: The Heigl Film Deluge

ISSUE 47•12 | 03.25.11 | Blog

Following this week's freak release of 34 Heigl films, Sony executives were quick to remind the public that the widespread hospitalizations were a result of the sheer amount of Heigl to which the public was exposed. more»
Join The Campaign Against Laura Miller, Spanish Teacher, Traitor

ISSUE 47•11 | 03.18.11 | Blog

With the help of viewers like you, the Onion News Network was able to join the fight of patriot Kyle Johnson and get his Spanish teacher Laura Miller fired. more»
FEMA Releases BBQ-Related Safety Advisory For Midwest

ISSUE 47•11 | 03.18.11 | Blog

FEMA has just released the following advisory for residents in ord near the deadly BBQ cloud: more»
U-Say: Washington Meets With Real America

ISSUE 47•11 | 03.18.11 | Blog

After years of rising tensions, representatives of Washington and Real America have finally entered diplomatic talks. Here’s what some of our viewers had to say about the summit: "These talks are only between low-level diplomats. If these gro... more»
The Daily Bump: America Loves Zeljko!

ISSUE 47•11 | 03.18.11 | Blog

As soon as OBC announced that "Former Warlord" star Zeljko Goran had successfully avoided being extradited to the Hague to stand trial for war crimes, the emails started flooding in. more»
How To Prevent Shaken Manchild Syndrome

ISSUE 47•11 | 03.18.11 | Blog

Shaken Manchild Syndrome (SMS) is a dangerous form of injury inflicted by violent shaking on idle, out-of-shape, adult male children who still live at home. more»
Athlete-Stalker Bill Ansler Retires At The Top Of The Stalking Game

ISSUE 47•11 | 03.15.11 | Blog

His face has been part of the landscape of all the major female sporting events of the past 25 years: peeking into the locker room at Wimbledon, sneering from the back row at UConn Lady Huskies games, even masturbating right on the ice while Nancy Kerrig... more»
Basketball's Humble Origin As A Diversion For Hated Giants

ISSUE 47•11 | 03.15.11 | Blog

Today, genetic freaks are celebrated as sports heroes. But giants used to be shunned and feared. All that changed with the invention of basketball by Dr. more»
Official Proclamation Of Cleveland's Ban On Professional Sports

ISSUE 47•11 | 03.15.11 | Blog

After years of wrenching disappointment, the city of Cleveland has finally cast professional sports aside, to be replaced with anything and everything that doesn't emotionally cripple every last citizen. Various other sports cities across the country have... more»
Former Nun Responds To Release Of Pau Gasol Sex Tape

ISSUE 47•11 | 03.15.11 | Blog

The Lakers are dealing with another distraction as they make their playoff push: the leak of a surreal, expressionistic sex tape starring power forward Pau Gasol. more»
The Top Moments In OSNY History

ISSUE 47•10 | 03.15.11 | Blog

Since their inception, the OSNY awards have been built on moments: bone-crushing, animal-killing, athlete-humiliating moments. more»
Peyton Manning Impersonator Captured After Years Of Endorsing Products

ISSUE 47•11 | 03.15.11 | Blog

Police apprehended Jerry Borgman this week, a 49-year-old contractor who allegedly appeared in dozens of commercials pretending to be Colts quarterback Peyton Manning. Though Borgman is shorter than Manning and would always refuse to take off his reflec... more»
I Am Glad I'm Only Allowed To Watch The OSNY Awards On Television

ISSUE 47•11 | 03.15.11 | Blog

On Tuesday night, SportsDome is going to go to the OSNY Awards to have a pre-show on the red carpet there. more»
Tonight In The Dome: OSN Celebrates The OSNY Awards, The Most Glamorous And Award-Filled Night In All Of Sports

ISSUE 47•11 | 03.15.11 | Blog

Iron your tux and take your elegant gowns out of storage! SportsDome's breaking out the arena-sized formalwear to celebrate the 2011 OSNY Awards -- the awards show that makes for the most important, most star-stuffed night in sports! more»

Blog

Download K'Ronikka's Single 'Booty Wave' Now

Man In Coma Enters GOP Race, Already Polling Ahead Of Romney

Obama Seeks Approval Of 'Occupy Wall Street' Protestors By Punching Banker In The Face

Asteroid To Destroy Earth

ONION NEWS NETWORK POLL FINDS MAJORITY OF AMERICANS WILL VOTE FOR ASHTON KUTCHER IN 2012

ONION NEWS NETWORK LAUNCHES NEW TV CHANNEL FOR THE POOR

ONION NEWS NETWORK TO AIR GOV. RICK PERRY'S FIRST PUBLIC EXECUTION

ONION NEWS NETWORK LANDS FIRST INTERVIEW WITH BEYONCE'S BABY

THE ONION NEWS NETWORK CLAIMS RESPONSIBILITY FOR EAST COAST EARTHQUAKE AND HURRICANE

Introducing The Onion News Network's 'Motorcycle! Motorcycle! Motorcycle!'

Anti-Gay Protesters Turn Out In Florida

The TuckScreen: Historical Documents Show Dream's Decline

Message From The Mayor

A Closer Look At Biden's New Bodyguards

Help Jeff Gordon Learn To Read

Damaged Women's Coalition Releases Statement

The Daily Bump: The Heigl Film Deluge

Join The Campaign Against Laura Miller, Spanish Teacher, Traitor

FEMA Releases BBQ-Related Safety Advisory For Midwest

U-Say: Washington Meets With Real America

The Daily Bump: America Loves Zeljko!

How To Prevent Shaken Manchild Syndrome

Athlete-Stalker Bill Ansler Retires At The Top Of The Stalking Game

Basketball's Humble Origin As A Diversion For Hated Giants

Official Proclamation Of Cleveland's Ban On Professional Sports

Former Nun Responds To Release Of Pau Gasol Sex Tape

The Top Moments In OSNY History

Peyton Manning Impersonator Captured After Years Of Endorsing Products

I Am Glad I'm Only Allowed To Watch The OSNY Awards On Television

Tonight In The Dome: OSN Celebrates The OSNY Awards, The Most Glamorous And Award-Filled Night In All Of Sports

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan