Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.

Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.
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What Are You Guys, In Love With Glaciers?

Oh my god, what is it with you people? It’s like you’re obsessed. It’s all you ever talk about: Wah, wah, wah, the glaciers are melting! We just can’t live without our precious glaciers! I hear it so often I’m seriously starting to wonder if maybe there isn’t something else going on here. So tell me, are you guys totally in love with glaciers, or what?

That’s it, isn’t it? You’re always going on and on about how they’re soooo beautiful and how much you would miss them if they were gone. Yeah, I think you like them. And I mean like-like them. Hey, if you care about glaciers that much, maybe you should marry them.

I bet you think about receding polar ice caps all the time, huh? Like, constantly. You can’t help yourself.

Don’t try to hide it. It’s so obvious. I’m actually kind of surprised you haven’t come out and said you love glaciers yet. Just admit it. You want to make out with them, don’t you? Yeah, you do. No one would write so many articles, make so many documentaries, and hold so many protests unless the thought of glaciers made them totally horny.

Look, if you need to look at before-and-after shots of shrinking glaciers, that’s really gross, but I’m not going to stop you. You can fly up to Greenland and start French-kissing them, for all I care. You know you want to. You probably want to have lots of babies with them, too.

You’re such freaks!

Maybe once you do it with a glacier you’ll finally be able relax. It’d certainly save me the headache of having to listen to you get all upset and cry about another Antarctic ice sheet collapsing. “No, Scott, no!!! Glaciers need to stay! We can’t live without them! We’re going to miss them so much!!!!” Here’s an idea: what if instead of being a cranky little bitch, you put your energy into getting what everyone knows you really want?

It’s not only glaciers you love, is it? You pervs also have the hots for rivers, rainforests, the atmosphere, permafrost, and who knows what else. I just hope the glaciers don’t get jealous. I mean, they never would, of course. You do realize that glaciers have no idea you exist, right? You think they’d ever be into you? They so would not.

Anyway, if you ever get done being a weirdo, let me know if you ever wanna meet some normal oil and gas executives. I gotta admit, I’m such a slut sometimes!

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