Commentary

Off The Top Of My Head

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | Commentary

Love a good bargain as much as Jean Teasdale? Betcha you don't! For example, I don't call the third day of the week Tuesday anymore—I call it Doublecouponday! more»

I'm More Of A Breast Man And Completely Worthless Human Being, Myself

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | Commentary

In this world, there are all kinds of chicks—tall ones, short ones, fat ones, skinny ones, even some real ugly ones that my buddy Jeff calls "double baggers"—ha! more»

You'll Never Love Our Amazing Deals On Household Appliances Unless You First Love Yourself

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.17.12 | Commentary

Good afternoon, there! Let me direct you to our housewares section, where we've slashed prices on kitchen appliances and home furnishings to the bone! more»

I Thought We'd Have Flying Slaves By Now

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.10.12 | Commentary

When I pictured the future back in the 18th century, I have to admit this isn't quite what I had in mind. more»

My Kids Are Learning How To Drive…Me Up The Wall!

ISSUE 48•01 | 01.03.12 | Commentary

Honk! Honk! Pull over, loyal readers. Pull way over. Keep going. More. To tell you the truth, you better clear the road completely. more»

Hi, hello there, sorry. I apologize if I'm interrupting, but did someone over here just say bison? I swear I wasn't eavesdropping or anything, but I was just standing over there and I couldn't help but notice that somebody mentioned something about bison,... more»

Even Annoying Twentysomething Shits Like Me Deserve To Have A Future

ISSUE 47•48 | 11.29.11 | Commentary

While the Declaration of Independence guarantees each of us the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, today's economic uncertainty has kept those sacred rights out of reach for many of our newest college graduates. more»

I've Never Prayed Before In My Life, But I'm Absolutely Desperate

ISSUE 47•46 | 11.17.11 | Commentary

Uh…hello? Anybody there? Man, this is so awkward. But I honestly don't know what else to do. more»

I Got A Beat Down From A Crazy Cat Dude

ISSUE 47•45 | 11.08.11 | Commentary

Hola, amigos. How's your pecker? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things have been pretty rough for your pal Jim. more»

If Humans Evolved To Be Social Creatures, Then Why Didn't Anyone Come To My Party?

ISSUE 47•44 | 11.01.11 | Commentary

It was Aristotle himself who first described humans as "social animals," and indeed his observation from 350 B.C. more»

This Sure Is A Spooky Time For The Economy

ISSUE 47•43 | 10.25.11 | Commentary

Greetings…it's your favorite dead-itorial writer, Paul "Bearer" Krugman, here to talk to you again about some rather, shall we say, chilling developments in the national economy. more»

Mom, I Want You To Meet The Girl Who Will One Day Make Me Put You In A Nursing Home

ISSUE 47•42 | 10.18.11 | Commentary

I've got some exciting news, Mom. You know how you're always telling me to stop fooling around and settle down with a nice girl? more»

I'm Moving This Miserable Periodical To The Yukon

ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•41 | 10.11.11 | Commentary

Disturbing reports have been reaching my bronze ear-horn over the past few weeks concerning the goings-on at the many Eastern sea-board offices of The Onion news-paper. Evidently, if accounts from my disgustingly subservient dogsbodies in management are to be believed, the constant rustle of news-print and scratch of fountain-pen nibs has been punctuated by the murmur of pleasant conversation and, in many cases, outright laughter among staffers. more»

No Matter How Much You Protect Your Kids, Sooner Or Later One Of Them's Going To Drown In A Swimming Pool

ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•40 | 10.04.11 | Commentary

The truth is, there's only so much even the best mommies and daddies can do for their kids. Like it or not, it's only a matter of time before one of your children drowns in a swimming pool. more»

Ask The Concept Of Phenomenology In Architecture As Developed By The Norwegian Theorist Christian Norberg-Schulz

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.27.11 | Commentary

Many may find themselves curious as to why we "need" a comprehensive theory of architecture as a phenomenological concept. Of course, the intellectual abstractions of theory cannot—nor should they—ever replace the direct sense-experience of architecture in our daily lives. more»

They're Canceling My Favorite Soap!

ISSUE 47•38 | 09.20.11 | Commentary

Once in a while, something happens that is so out of nowhere and so inexplicable it leaves you gasping for words. And that something happened last month, when it was announced my very favorite soap opera Brink Of Destiny would be going off the air in September! more»

Well, I Guess I'll Just Take My Business To Another Soulless Multinational Corporation

ISSUE 47•37 | 09.13.11 | Commentary

The nerve of you people. Treating a longtime patron with so little respect, like I'm just another walking dollar sign. If that's what passes for customer service around here, you sadly leave me with no choice but to have the exact same experience at another giant soulless multinational corporation somewhere else. more»

We Need To Do More When It Comes To Having Brief, Panicked Thoughts About Climate Change

ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•36 | 09.06.11 | Commentary

The 20 hottest years on record have all taken place in the past quarter century. The resulting floods, wildfires, and heat waves have all had deadly consequences, and if we don't reduce carbon emissions immediately, humanity faces bleak prospects. We can no longer ignore this issue. Beginning today, we must all do more when it comes to our brief and panicked thoughts about climate change. more»

If I Go Extinct I Swear I Will Take As Many Humans With Me As I Can

ISSUE 47•35 | 08.30.11 | Commentary

I think people always expected that when the time came for us to go extinct, we'd go down all quietlike—that just because we're small blue butterflies with a wingspan of an inch, we wouldn't put up a fight. more»

Somebody's Got to Save This Country From Certain Doom, And Let's Face It, That Person Is Me

ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•33 | 08.15.11 | Commentary

Our country faces a moment of extreme crisis. We stand at the verge of an utter breakdown of our economy, our government, and our way of life. more»

Pardon Me, Madame, Do You Have A Moment For Fancy Man Rights?

ISSUE 47•32 | 08.10.11 | Commentary

Excuse me, my dear lady, could you perhaps spare but a moment of your precious time for Fancy Man Rights? more»

I Wish Someone At This Wedding Would Dance With That Girl In A Wheelchair Already

ISSUE 47•31 | 08.02.11 | Commentary

Just look at her. She's been sitting all by herself at the edge of the dance floor for five songs now, but no one seems to care. more»

Mom And Dad, I'm Gay And Also Stronger Than Both Of You, So Don't Try Any Shit

ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•30 | 07.26.11 | Commentary

Mom, Dad, there's something we have to talk about. I've been wanting to tell you this for some time, and I want you to know that while I'm fully aware this might be difficult for you to hear, remember, I am still your son, and I love you very much: Mom, D... more»

These Summer Movies Are Blockbusting My Wallet!

ISSUE 47•29 | 07.19.11 | Commentary

In a world… Where dollars have no meaning… And retirement funds are running out… One man and his bank account must fight to survive. This summer, it's Roger "The Rock-ger" Dudek in… The $10 Movie: 3-D(ollars for a ... more»

Yeah, Take It Off

ISSUE 47•28 | 07.12.11 | Commentary

Well, hello there. It's been a while, hasn't it? Now, now, don't be shy. Come a little closer. You remember me, right? Of course you do. I come around this time every year. I must say, you're looking pretty hot. I mean, how could you not be, underneath al... more»

If The Onion Is Not Awarded A Pulitzer Prize Within The Next Year, I Will Murder 50 People

ISSUE 47•25 | 06.24.11 | Commentary

Yes, readers, you have read the above headline correctly. This is no hoax. For too long, The Onion has been cruelly deprived of the Pulitzer Prize it so richly deserves, and now the thought of such an injustice being committed yet again fills me with a de... more»

I Shall Now Exact My Final Revenge Upon That Jack-Ass Joseph Pulitzer

ISSUE 47•25 | 06.19.11 | Commentary

I was roused from an unusually restful sleep yesterday for reasons utterly alien to a news-paper publisher: a meeting with the normally biddable and pliant Onion Board of Directors and, more unusual even than that, with the burgeoning horde of misc... more»