Commentary

If I Go Extinct I Swear I Will Take As Many Humans With Me As I Can

ISSUE 47•35 | 08.30.11 | Commentary

I think people always expected that when the time came for us to go extinct, we'd go down all quietlike—that just because we're small blue butterflies with a wingspan of an inch, we wouldn't put up a fight. more»

Somebody's Got to Save This Country From Certain Doom, And Let's Face It, That Person Is Me

ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•33 | 08.15.11 | Commentary

Our country faces a moment of extreme crisis. We stand at the verge of an utter breakdown of our economy, our government, and our way of life. more»

Pardon Me, Madame, Do You Have A Moment For Fancy Man Rights?

ISSUE 47•32 | 08.10.11 | Commentary

Excuse me, my dear lady, could you perhaps spare but a moment of your precious time for Fancy Man Rights? more»

I Wish Someone At This Wedding Would Dance With That Girl In A Wheelchair Already

ISSUE 47•31 | 08.02.11 | Commentary

Just look at her. She's been sitting all by herself at the edge of the dance floor for five songs now, but no one seems to care. more»

Mom And Dad, I'm Gay And Also Stronger Than Both Of You, So Don't Try Any Shit

ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•30 | 07.26.11 | Commentary

Mom, Dad, there's something we have to talk about. I've been wanting to tell you this for some time, and I want you to know that while I'm fully aware this might be difficult for you to hear, remember, I am still your son, and I love you very much: Mom, D... more»

These Summer Movies Are Blockbusting My Wallet!

ISSUE 47•29 | 07.19.11 | Commentary

In a world… Where dollars have no meaning… And retirement funds are running out… One man and his bank account must fight to survive. This summer, it's Roger "The Rock-ger" Dudek in… The $10 Movie: 3-D(ollars for a ... more»

Yeah, Take It Off

ISSUE 47•28 | 07.12.11 | Commentary

Well, hello there. It's been a while, hasn't it? Now, now, don't be shy. Come a little closer. You remember me, right? Of course you do. I come around this time every year. I must say, you're looking pretty hot. I mean, how could you not be, underneath al... more»

If The Onion Is Not Awarded A Pulitzer Prize Within The Next Year, I Will Murder 50 People

ISSUE 47•25 | 06.24.11 | Commentary

Yes, readers, you have read the above headline correctly. This is no hoax. For too long, The Onion has been cruelly deprived of the Pulitzer Prize it so richly deserves, and now the thought of such an injustice being committed yet again fills me with a de... more»

I Shall Now Exact My Final Revenge Upon That Jack-Ass Joseph Pulitzer

ISSUE 47•25 | 06.19.11 | Commentary

I was roused from an unusually restful sleep yesterday for reasons utterly alien to a news-paper publisher: a meeting with the normally biddable and pliant Onion Board of Directors and, more unusual even than that, with the burgeoning horde of misc... more»

I Had Bedbugs, But They're All Cleared Up Now

ISSUE 47•24 | 06.14.11 | Commentary

Hola, amigos. Whuddup? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been knee-deep in the hoopla. more»

I Just Want To Say That I Hated Every Moment Of That Piece-Of-Shit Show

ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•23 | 06.07.11 | Commentary

Wow, I guess that's it. It's hard to believe that after pouring my heart and soul into that show for 25 years, I'll never tape another episode, sit down with another guest, or connect with another fan again. more»

Let's Just Go Ahead And Assume We've Learned The Lessons Of The Gabrielle Giffords Shooting

ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•21 | 05.24.11 | Commentary

On Jan. 8, 2011, we as a society were shocked and dismayed when 19 people, including Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, a Democratic congresswoman from Arizona's 8th District, were shot during a public meeting outside a local supermarket. more»

Fiscally I'm A Right-Wing Nutjob, But On Social Issues I'm Fucking Insanely Liberal

ISSUE 47•20 | 05.19.11 | Commentary

The world is a complicated place, and in this day and age, you just can't expect a person to fall on the same political side of every issue he is confronted with. more»

It Pleases Me To Announce The Elevation And Coronation Of Hammond Morris, The Onion's New Advertising Czar

ISSUE 47•19 | 05.12.11 | Commentary

When the Onion's groveling, sniveling Board of Directors approached me with the idea of hiring someone to act as supreme imperator of all advertising-related matters, I was so shocked and enraged by their presumption that a fulminating cascade of bilious ... more»

The White Nation Will Never Resume Its Rightful Place Until One Of Us Learns How To Make A Decent Website

ISSUE 47•18 | 05.03.11 | Commentary

My Aryan brethren, White America is under siege. Every day, millions of Mexicans are using our schools and hospitals tax-free; blacks are receiving affirmative-action jobs and scholarships that are rightly ours; and by 2025, our great race will be a minor... more»

If I Could Have Any Superpower, It'd Definitely Be Invisibility

ISSUE 47•17 | 04.26.11 | Commentary

It's kind of a nerdy question, but it always seems to come up. You'll be hanging out with a few friends and someone will ask, "If you could have any superpower you wanted, what would it be?" Most people can't answer right away because there's so... more»

The House Of B Must Continue

ISSUE 47•16 | 04.19.11 | Commentary

Lately, Smoove has had much on his mind. I have been contemplating the future of Smoove. It is time to admit that the first playa among equals is no longer the young man he once was. The clothes may be as fresh, the skills may be as sharp, and the hair ma... more»

Well, Folks, It Appears Some Shithead Down There Is Shining A Laser Pointer Into The Cockpit And We're About To Crash

ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•15 | 04.12.11 | Commentary

From the flight deck, this is your captain. Just want to give you a quick update as we make our final preparations for landing. more»

Goddamn It, The Neighbors Are Silently Going At It Again, I Imagine

ISSUE 47•14 | 04.05.11 | Commentary

Christ almighty, here we go again. Just when I think I can finally get in a good night's sleep, those upstairs neighbors of mine start silently going to town on each other again like a couple of goddamn cats in heat, I imagine. It's like, take a day off, ... more»

At My Age, I Just Can't Compete With The Younger, Competent Guys I Work With

ISSUE 47•12 | 03.22.11 | Commentary

I'm 51 years old, but I might as well be 100 when it comes to my workplace. These days, in a culture that values youth and the ability to competently do your job above all else, it's tougher than ever for an unqualified person my age to get by. more»

Your Obsessive Love Or Hatred Of Me Means Nothing In The Grand Scheme Of Geological Time

ISSUE 47•11 | 03.15.11 | Commentary

As the undisputed No. 1 teen pop sensation in the world, I have become something of a fulcrum upon which the extremes of human emotion pivot. more»

Hey, Man, I Totally Get It; I'd Watch A 2-Hour 'Biggest Loser' Special, Too

ISSUE 47•10 | 03.10.11 | Commentary

So, remember how you said earlier that you wanted to devote at least an hour to reading me tonight? Listen, I know you're really tired and everything, and I just want to say, don't worry about it. more»

Governor Walker Should Be Flogged For His Inability To Control His Underlings

ISSUE 47•08 | 02.24.11 | Commentary

By any civilized measure, this should be a golden age for America. My editors inform me that the gap between rich and poor is the greatest in history, which is a comfort, as I wish the coal-smudged wretches as far from me as possible. more»

Who's Ready For Some Oscars!

ISSUE 47•08 | 02.24.11 | Commentary

Item! Well, it's that time of year again! Once again, Americans will unplug their phones, plop down in front of their TVs, and watch the greatest human drama on Earth unfold live in front of them! more»

And To Think, No One Believed A Website That Puts People In Dangerous Physical And Sexual Situations Could Succeed

ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•07 | 02.17.11 | Commentary

I remember the '90s like they were yesterday. Websites such as Amazon and eBay were well on their way to transforming commerce as we know it, and even flash-in-the-pan startups were making their founders into overnight millionaires. But while the money piled up for other people, I quietly nurtured a vision of my own: Craigslist, a revolutionary online classifieds site that allows people who wish to buy or sell goods and services online to be raped or murdered by total strangers. more»

If I Go Extinct I Swear I Will Take As Many Humans With Me As I Can

Somebody's Got to Save This Country From Certain Doom, And Let's Face It, That Person Is Me

Pardon Me, Madame, Do You Have A Moment For Fancy Man Rights?

I Wish Someone At This Wedding Would Dance With That Girl In A Wheelchair Already

Mom And Dad, I'm Gay And Also Stronger Than Both Of You, So Don't Try Any Shit

These Summer Movies Are Blockbusting My Wallet!

Yeah, Take It Off

If The Onion Is Not Awarded A Pulitzer Prize Within The Next Year, I Will Murder 50 People

I Shall Now Exact My Final Revenge Upon That Jack-Ass Joseph Pulitzer

I Had Bedbugs, But They're All Cleared Up Now

I Just Want To Say That I Hated Every Moment Of That Piece-Of-Shit Show

Let's Just Go Ahead And Assume We've Learned The Lessons Of The Gabrielle Giffords Shooting

Fiscally I'm A Right-Wing Nutjob, But On Social Issues I'm Fucking Insanely Liberal

It Pleases Me To Announce The Elevation And Coronation Of Hammond Morris, The Onion's New Advertising Czar

The White Nation Will Never Resume Its Rightful Place Until One Of Us Learns How To Make A Decent Website

If I Could Have Any Superpower, It'd Definitely Be Invisibility

The House Of B Must Continue

Well, Folks, It Appears Some Shithead Down There Is Shining A Laser Pointer Into The Cockpit And We're About To Crash

Goddamn It, The Neighbors Are Silently Going At It Again, I Imagine

At My Age, I Just Can't Compete With The Younger, Competent Guys I Work With

Your Obsessive Love Or Hatred Of Me Means Nothing In The Grand Scheme Of Geological Time

Hey, Man, I Totally Get It; I'd Watch A 2-Hour 'Biggest Loser' Special, Too

Governor Walker Should Be Flogged For His Inability To Control His Underlings

Who's Ready For Some Oscars!

And To Think, No One Believed A Website That Puts People In Dangerous Physical And Sexual Situations Could Succeed

What's This Nonsense About Being Able To Laugh At One's Self?

I've Got You Dumb Motherfuckers Eating Right Out Of My Hand

Honey, I'm Not Going To Stand Here And Debate The Merits Of The First Two B-52's LPs In Front Of The Whole Supermarket

It Seems The Hunter Has Become Arrested For Not Having A Gun License

In My Professional Medical Opinion, Pick At It

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U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan